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LONDON -
Insiders have uncovered proof of a shocking plan hatched by
"Oscar-snubbed" actor Russell Crowe to corner the
world's French soft cheese market and use the funds to launch
the recording career of his band, 30 Odd Foot of Grunts.
Crowe's megalomaniacal plan developed from an amazing discovery
he made while conducting experiments in static electricity
in his trailer during breaks on the set of "A Beautiful
Mind." He discovered that by dressing singer/actress
Jennifer Lopez in gold lamé jogging pants, strapping
her to his exercise bicycle and forcing her to peddle at 300rpm,
the static build up between her thighs opened up a portal
to the Place de Monmarte, Paris in the Autumn of 1893.
For three weeks of filming, he often slipped through the
time warp to pose as a nineteenth century cheese distributor
and use that fame to seduce 19th century French whores. He
quickly made dozens of long term business relationships with
most of the main cheese manufacturers, effectively securing
all USA rights for Brie, Camembert and Roquefort. This would
give him an enormous commission on all future exports to the
USA and the potential to take over the world's soft cheese
market and therefore finance his band's recording career.
Thankfully, his evil plan was undone before he could sign
the final paperwork, when the Best Boy on the set discovered
the portal and decided he wanted to take over the French soft
cheese market himself. With the help of several jilted French
whores, they undid his plans and averted disaster.
Police have not confirmed whether charges will be pressed
against the writer of this article.
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Above: Russell Crowe Really Likes Soft Cheese
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