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St. Louis, MO - The winner of this year's individual Mathletes
Championship told reporters after the competition that although
he is thrilled with with the victory, he is somewhat fearful
of the consequences for him and his teammates when they return
to school on Monday.
"Most likely it will be very, very painful," said
14-year-old winner Abraham Thampy, who was homeschooled for
most of his education, until returning to public school last
year. "Usually, they will begin by a string of repeated
charley horses and then one of the bigger kids will probably
hold me to the ground while someone else crams dirty gym socks
in my mouth. But who knows, they could get creative this year."
Thampy, along with the Mathletes team from Smedberg High
School in suburban Kansas City, came in second place in last
year's regional conference, but still received a brutal thrashing
from peers.
"After winning second place in the team event last year,
a couple of guys from school told me that Wendy Miller wanted
to ask me to the Spring Dance," recalls sophmore Brent
Gilcrest. "I've had a crush on her for like 4 years,
so you can imagine my surprise when I was suddenly tied to
a tree and my hairless genitals were displayed for Wendy and
all of her friends to see. Needless to say, I'm still waiting
for Wendy to call me back."
Thampy, however, take his championship victory and his inevitable
beating in stride.
"Sometimes, I think that winning a trophy and a new
calculator watch just isn't worth all the suffering, but when
I think about all those exponential and logarithmic functions
and their derivives, not to mention the exciting world of
fractal geomentry, I say fuck those bullies!"
Added Thampy, "You're not going to print that are you?
Please for the love of God don't print that!"
Here is one of the winning questions that
won Thampy both a calculator watch and severe trauma to his
testicles. See if you can solve it.
CLICK HERE FOR THE
SOLUTION
1999-2002 MATHLETES SONG
to the music of "Smedburg High School's Alma Mater"
Lyrics by: Barry "The Cheese" Whopsnell
HAIL! Mathletes we praise you!
Free soda and pretzels too!
HAIL! Mathletes we praise you
With our pencils number 2!
Good math students we'll always be
Till our score approaches infinity!
HAIL! Mathletes Forever Smart!
HAIL! Oh HAIL!!!
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Above:
A bully and a mathlete just minutes before the infamous "hot
dog in the rectum" incident of last year.
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