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Gentofte, Denmark – Panicked residents of this
quaint Danish town lined up for hours Tuesday to stock up
on foodstuffs and first aid kits. Local schools reported a
39% spike in truancy this week alone. Retail stores and restaurants
began shuttering their doors just after sundown reflecting
the genuine fears of a peaceful people.
Lars has officially arrived.
In what was initially dismissed as wild speculation and rumor,
Lars Petrow, 32 ,took up residence this weekend at a motel
on the outskirts of the Gentofte city limits. The lanky, pale
German émigré was seen shortly thereafter strolling
through the town square playing his music and wearing only
a mesh Kraftwerk tank top and a pair of leather chaps.
Most patrons tried doggedly to avoid eye contact with Lars,
but bookstore cashier Becky Strohmakt tried to be brave.
“I said to him, ‘I think you must wear pants or
leave.’ He snorted at me, screamed about the evils of
the World Bank, and that’s when he pulled out his giant
'skitpackare' and waved it at me,” the horrified cashier
recalled. "We thought we were prepared for Lars, but
I had no idea it would be like this."
Danish Health Minister Erik Johannsen acknowledged the Lars
outbreak in Gentofte was much more severe than he first acknowledged
three weeks ago, when Lars was spotted playing his traditional
folk instrument at a political rally in nearby Rövskägg.
"Lars is the same or possibly worse than he was when
he was first discovered five years ago making fetish videos
and annoying people with his his liberal politics and anti-Euro
doctrine. "I'm afraid it's going to get worse before
it gets better."
According to 73 year-old retired machinist Per Christiansen
who bumped into Lars at the local tavern, "he wouldn't
shut up about how America and Britain were using Nazi policies
to rape and pillage the Arab world and we should boycott all
products produced in those countries --with the exception
of leather harnesses, bull whips and nipple shockers."
Added Christiansen, "there's nothing we can do but pray
he gets bored and moves on to the next town."
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Above:
Lars has arrived.
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