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WASHINGTON, D.C.—The already unstable "axis of
evil" is even more tense today due to reports Iraq has
field-tested several dozen batches of atomic wings, proving
they are dangerously close to joining the world’s exclusive
"nuclear club."
President Bush made the announcement to Congress Friday,
adding yet another excuse to widen the war on terrorism and
topple rogue leader Saddam Hussein.
"Unless Saddam lets the weapon inspectors back in the
country to find this new atomic energy source, we must take
action immediately," Bush said. "But first we should
probably sit around and talk about it for awhile and tell
everyone it's going to happen and feel out our allies' attitudes
about it and then will go right ahead and jump right in there
immediately."
According to Attorney General John Ashcroft, the atomic buffalo
wing recipe was apparently stolen from Pizza Hut delivery
boy Scott Crumley, who divulged the secret ingredients to
a group of Iraqi spies posed as college students on a marijuana-induced,
late night eating binge.
With the U.S. Justice Department set to charge the 16-year-old
with treason, the recently defrocked Pizza Hut "Employee
of the Month" seemed genuinely repentant during his five
consecutive days of interrogation.
"I didn't know I was doing anything wrong," cried
the still-shackled and blindfolded teenager. "Everyone
knows our atomic wings suck."
Meanwhile, Saddam Hussein has flatly denied his country's
involvement in the entire affair, taunting, "everybody
knows buffalos don't have wings. Crazy stupid Americans. Go
ahead and attack us. I dare you."
Experts urged the U.S. and Israel to coat its borders in
blue cheese dressing and get plenty of napkins.
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