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Frontera, CA —Charles Manson was denied parole
for the 12th time last week despite assurances that his odd,
twitchy manner shouldn't impede his chances for release from
prison after 32 years of incarceration.
In addition, guards were instructed to take away coffee privileges
to the convicted murderer, despite a new Starbucks logo tattoo
hiding the swastika carved into his forehead.
Manson, who trembled and rambled incomprehensibly for more
than an hour, claimed he is rehabilitated and ready to be
a "productive and non-murdering member of society."
After a brief conversation with his coffee cup, Manson explained
to the parole board that Helter Skelter and references to
a race war was really about coffee, not killing people.
"Sure, it's funny now, but apparently those hippies
misunderstood what I was sayin' back then," Manson said.
"Don't ya get it? I was talking about how I like my coffee,
man. I love blackie, but whitey is also cool. Whitey and blackey
should live together in peace, man. It wasn't a race war I
was starting, but preparation for delicious coffee products
to be served on every corner by a calculating corporate entity."
Manson claims that his coffee cup has instructed him to live
a better life and in turn, Starbucks would provide him with
a steady job working the cash register as well as a lifetime
supply of heavily-caffeinated beverages after his release.
Added Manson, "if you just give me one more refill I
promise I won't have your children killed. How about it? Do
we have a deal?"
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Photo:
Manson proclaims Starbucks executives are speaking
to him through funny clouds in his coffee.
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