 FROM
THE DESK OF SCOTT BAIO
Dear Satan,
Hey Satan, it's me, Scott Baio. I know it's
been awhile since we talked, but I thought I would drop you a note.
First of all, I just wanted to thank you for that part in "Zapped"
a few years back. You said it would really launch my movie career
and though it hasn't happened yet, I know once those movie executives
get off their asses and release the 20 year anniversary DVD, i'll
start getting new parts right away. I'm thinking it might help Willie
Aame's career as well, so could you try put a fire under those guy's
butts? Get it? Fire?
I also wanted to thank you for the whole Heather
Locklear period. That was fantastic. We were the talk of Hollywood
there for awhile. Before she came along, I was still sleeping with
a quality of girl on the level of Erin Moran. Okay, I was sleeping
with Erin Moran. But then, after you and I finalized our deal, bingo-bango,
the next thing I know I'm showing my Chachi to girls like Pamela
Anderson, Nicolette Sheridan and of course the beautiful and talented
Heather Locklear. Boy she was hot. Thanks so much.
Then, of course, there was the Charles in
Charge era which included Nicole Eggert (we just held hands-- she
was 15), Willie Aame's sister Julie, Ellen Travolta and the woman
who played the mother on the show-- can't seem to recall her name.
I was still with Heather Locklear during this time. Thank you for
that. Seriously. You rock.
Then a little more Nicole Eggert (when she
turned 18), Denise Richards and even the beautiful, but slightly
older Beverly D'Angelo. At this time, Heather Locklear stopped talking
to me. Totally my fault. Then I bought her flowers and we were back
together, but not before Playboy playmates, Paula Thomas, Anna Clark,
Caty Cantrell, Pricilla Taylor, Rhonda Adams, and Karen Taylor.
I really want to thank you allowing Heather
Locklear to forgive me for my indescretions but not before I got
to sleep with Denise Richards and Nicole Eggert one more time(during
Charles in Charge reunion).
Here's the problem. The last female flesh
I've encountered since I left Diagnosis Murder was when I accidentally
brushed Bo Derek's boobs at that Halloween party, and she's not
exactly at the top of her game anymore. Even then, I had to tell
her I was Ron Howard. I'm not sure what's going on but I could use
some help if you don't mind. Could you maybe work out something
with Heather Locklear again, because that was really awesome as
I've said before.
Also, could you maybe get me back on TV. Or
how about sending that hot Jessica Alba my way just to kick things
off. Please?! If I spend one more weekend playing video games with
Anson Williams, I'm gonna kill myself.
Thanks in advance,
Scott Baio
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