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South Lebanon—Representatives of the Hezbollah
terrorist organization announced summer dates for the upcoming
Hezbollahpalooza music festival Wednesday. The Shiite militant
concert series is slated to begin and end in Southern Lebanon,
but not before rocking and rolling across the Middle East
in an effort to promote peace, love and rampant Jew-baiting.
The traveling music fest, patterned after the highly successful
Lollapalooza and Lilith Fair, promises to be "lesbian-free
family entertainment for the whole America-hating public."
According to Hezbollah leader Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah, spreading
the word of Allah, demanding Jihad and expanding the hatred
of all things American are the main goals of the tour.
“So far we’ve inked [Cat] Stevens, but we’re
very optimistic about signing some other big names devoted
to rocking western imperialism out of Lebanon," Nasrallah
said. “Hall and Oates are a definite 'maybe' and U2 is
waiting for the results of a listener's poll before they make
a decision."
The lack of signed artists is only one potential hurdle affecting
the festival. “Even the name has caused us problems,”
Nasrallah explained. “It was originally called 'The Jihad
Jamboree,' but some people thought it was too country. Personally,
I was fighting for TerrorFest 2005.”
Hezbollahpalooza has already committed to concerts in Iran,
Syria, Beqa’a Valley, Beirut, Egypt, Palestine and Lebanon,
but hopes to pick up some new fans in Israel, before they
are shot dead. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, has stated
that Hezbollapalooza will not be allowed to cross Israel’s
giant fence and if they're too loud, the whole thing will
be shut down.
“Hezbollah, as you know means 'Party of God,' and this
will be a party that even the Godless Israelies won’t
want to miss,” concert promoter Salam Fadlallah said.
“We are going to have a show this summer that will make
everyone forget about the thousands of victims we've attacked.
Except for the families of the dead. They always hold grudges.”
“It’s silly for Sharon to be so against this idea”
Nasrallah said. “I mean, will we be tempted to load up
a few catering trucks with explosives? Sure, but that’s
not what Hezbollahpaloozah is supposed to be about. See, read
the brochure.”
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