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Reno, NV — God was the last thing on John Gamble's
mind when he hosted his best friend's bachelor party at Goldfinger's
Strip Club in suburban Reno, but after an image of Virgin
Mary was spotted repeatedly by several patrons, it all but
shut down the festivities.
"One of the strippers was grinding backwards into my
crotch when I suddenly noticed a stain on the carpeting looked
exactly like the Virgin Mary," Gamble said. "I thought
my mind was playing tricks on me because of all the ecstasy
I ingested, but then the stripper saw it as well and immediately
dropped to her knees— to pray."
Several attendees agreed it looked remarkably like the Mother
Mary, and according to some witnesses, she didn't look happy
at all.
"I have to admit, it sorta ruined the atmosphere of
the whole event," said Barry Bryant, who was experiencing
his final guy's night out on the town before his nuptials
the following evening. "We went from stuffing dollar
bills down g-strings, to engaging in group prayer. Why did
this have to happen? What is God trying to tell me? Should
I not get married tomorrow? I obviously have to reevaluate
everything after this."
Others in the club pointed out that one of the strippers,
wearing a nun's costume, looked remarkably like the Virgin
Mary, except without underwear. The similarities were enough
even to spook even the Jewish and Muslim attendees.
"I'm not even Christian, but I when I squinted a certain
way at her, she looked like she was floating," said groomsman
Brian Zimmerman. "And then when I peeked at her privates,
my eyes started to sting. If that's not a sign, I don't know
what one is."
Another patron noticed the neon Michelob sign seemed to
blink every single time they did something sinful with one
of the girls. Nobody could offer another explanation other
than this was some sort of message from God.
"This is obviously a holy place and we're just going
to have to stick around until we find some meaning in our
life," Bryant said. "The marriage is just going
to have to wait."
Goldfinger's, located off Highway 40, now hosts a combination
happy hour/prayer session between 4pm and 9pm Wednesdays and
Sundays. Cover is $20 and includes communion.
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