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TRENTON, NJ — A disaster was narrowly averted
Monday when Islamic terrorist Achmed Mounness failed to locate
several vital bomb-making supplies at the Home Depot on Hartford
Drive in suburban Trenton.
According to police reports, Mounness, an Egyptian national
and member of the Local 134 Al Qaeda cell, spent more than
two hours looking for boxes of galvanized 10d penny nails
to be placed inside pipe casings for use in a future martyrdom
operation.
"Boy, I'm really glad I didn't help him," said
16-year-old hardware clerk Trent Abrams. "I mean, I was
right about to go on my break and he was asking me all these
tough questions so I just pretended I was rushing off to help
another customer like we normally do when it's breaktime."
According to Trenton Police Chief Tom Anderson, the terrorist
approached at least 6 different customer service personnel
and thankfully, none of them could tell the man where he could
find the nails.
"Apparently he just got lost in the store," Anderson
said. "Some of the store clerks remember him walking
around with an armful of steel pipe casings and two fifty-pound
bags of fertilizer but they just didn't put two and two together."
After a fruitless search, Mounness eventually fell asleep
under a ficus tree in the gardening section, where he remained
throughout the night. The next morning while heading to the
breakroom, Abrams tripped over the terrorist and suddenly
recognized him from the day before. He alerted the police
immediately after he finished his break.
Only afterwards, during a routine background check did the
police noticed he was wanted for stealing plutonium from a
nearby laboratory where he worked as a top clearance government
scientist.
The Mayor's office will award a citation to the 16-year-old
clerk during a ceremony next week, and Home Depot has already
awarded the hero with a brand new caulking gun and a five
gallon tub of patching compound.
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