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ATLANTA - Top officials at the Center for Disease
Control (CDC) along with their Chinese counterparts released
a stunning report Wednesday naming "monkey sex"
as the most likely cause of SARS and most, if not all, other
known infectious diseases throughout the world.
"We are not here to cast blame," said Julie Gerberding,
director of the CDC after she read off a lengthy list of diseases
traced back to man-beast love. "But the evidence is clear
that it all starts with either a curious monkey, a curious
human or a combination of both."
According to the report, most, if not all of the world's
communicable diseases, including acute respiratory syndrome
(SARS), have been traced back to the world's remote jungles,
mountain retreats and popular zoo exhibitions, where men and
women could engage in extra-human relationships without the
prying eyes of judgmental family and friends.
Experts say SARS is caused by an unknown member of the corona
family of viruses, which also causes the common cold. If true,
unprotected monkey sex could be to blame for every single
sneeze or sniffle that occur throughout the world.
"Tracing monkey sex was difficult as you can imagine,"
Professor Yuen Kwok-yung, Department of Microbiology head
at the University of Hong Kong told reporters. "It took
nearly five years before one guy finally admitted he got lost
from his travel group and met a friendly Orangutan in full
estrus (sexual receptivity)
African scientists have felt for years that it all started
with some experimental vacationers, but they had difficulty
proving it. That is, until safari guide Marco Lisanti admitted
it was one of the most popular activities that his travel
group sponsors.
"We've got nothing to hide," Lisanti said. "The
CDC has seen our brochures for years. Why are they suddenly
talking about it now? This is obviously some kind of coverup
for their own incompetence."
Human mating with members of the animal kingdom is strictly
forbidden by most cultures and is frowned upon by nearly 50%
of church leaders and animal activists. Politicians, who prefer
to focus on treatment and prevention rather than pointing
fingers, have been accused of turning a blind eye.
"The problem is that we need to know whether this is
consensual or nonconsensual monkey sex before we can attempt
to prosecute individuals," said Democratic leader Tom
Daschle (D-SD) after hearing the report. "I propose that
we put together some kind of subcommittee and then spend some
taxpayer money looking into this."
Daschle explained that since we now know the cause, we can
take steps to prevent new outbreaks by educating youngsters
from an early age not to attempt to mate outside their species
or by promoting the use of condoms.
In Geneva, World Health Organization (WHO) officials warned
it was too early to jump to firm conclusions, although they
welcomed the finding as "an eye opener" and said
it "makes perfect sense."
"At this point of time, we cannot definitely conclude
that these or any other animals are the cause of SARS and
other diseases," said WHO chief scientist Klaus Stohr.
"But we do know that If you place your naked penis anywhere
near the skin of an infected monkey, there is a high chance
you will be either infected or lose all ability to sustain
any healthy future adult relationships.
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