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Troy, NY - Ron and Julie Statler were shocked Thursday
when they learned for the first time that six month old baby
Owen was not the "amazing friggin' genius" they
had repeatedly described to family and friends. Nor is he
even "exceptional" or "gifted" or even
mildly above average.
Doctors and researchers at Harvard University came to the
conclusion after studying the so-called "miracle baby,"
who's abilities were discovered by, coincidentally, the baby's
own parents.
"Yes, it was us who wrote to Harvard asking about their
early admissions program," Ron Statler said."When
a 2 month old baby seems to really understand a sophisticated
joke and then do some kind of advanced mathematics with his
rattle toy, I was hysterically happy that he didn't take after
my in-laws. I just wanted the rest of the world to learn from
his gifts."
According to the Statlers, baby Owen also played with blocks
in such a way that would indicate a strong aptitude in both
modern engineering and architecture, while showing off creative
skills as well.
"His paintings were so evocative, they almost brought
me to tears," Julie Statler said. "I've never seen
such expressionism before or since. And he didn't even use
a brush!"
According to grandparents Nana and Walter Statler, little
baby Owen had also demonstrated a strong understanding of
medicine during an emergency room visit after Owen swallowed
a jug of finger paint.
"He looked just like a very small doctor and seemed
to know exactly how to use the stethoscope once he realized
it didn't taste good," said grandfather Walter. "We're
very proud of our genius grandson."
When the Statlers were informed of the research findings,
they reacted as any parent might after hearing disappointing
news about their child.
"We love our son no matter what kind of ignorant dirty
lies Harvard researchers say," the Statlers said in a
written statement. "They're all just jealous because
Owen is the smartest, most attractive baby in the whole wide
world."
Ironically, the Statler's have a 3 year old son as well,
and while "Copernicus" tested at only the 50th percentile
among toddlers his age, they took the news of his mediocre
intelligence in stride.
"We're not so concerned about Copernicus," Ron
Statler said. "I mean look at the size of him. He's going
to be a football player anyway. Either that or a beer-swilling
drunk like my father-in-law. But I'm betting on football player."
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