Reprinted
from Bob's [private] journal
June 12, 2005
Dear
Journal,
You
wanna know what my office is? It's a gulag! That's
right, a gulag. GULAG. GULAG. GULAG. I hope my boss
is reading this right now, even though that would
be a total invasion of my private journal. But that's
to be expected at a GULAG. I'm not exaggerating when
I say that if Amnesty International were here right
now and not interested in that Guantanamo Bay prison,
they would learn how 1) my Lean Pockets are stolen
from the fridge almost daily and I have low blood
sugar, which makes me cranky and work less hard, 2)
I was demoted to collection agent for no reason whatsoever
just because some secretary who hates me told everyone
I always smell like a combination of Peppermint Schnapps
and cat piss (an exaggeration!) and 3) I am no longer
allowed to leave the building without first clocking
out and having my pockets searched for office supplies.
This place is a friggin' GULAG!
OPINION: AMERICA DESPERATELY
NEEDS TODDLER TO FALL DOWN WELL, UNITE COUNTRY
by Bitter Phil, Guest Columnist
This
country is going down the shithole— fast. Democrats
hate Republicans. Republicans hate Democrats and everyone
hates that vagina-clenching Hillary Clinton. Whether it's
the Michael Jackson trial, Terri Schiavo's feeding tube
or the dipshittery of the runaway bride, people in this
country are starting to act like those crazy ass A-rabs.
Those crazy, dumb-as-dirt, camel fuckers. We're Americans.
We need to stop fighting amongst ourselves. We need to focus
our energy on love and acceptance and killing people overseas
(when appropriate). Anyway, we don't need to listen to those
crazy Europeans or anyone else for that matter. Fucking
French. Especially actors like that dirtbag Sean Penn telling
us how much we suck. YOU suck! More»
BFA
PHOTO OF THE WEEK
Our final word about Star Wars isn't a word at all, it's
more of a statement. We have no idea what kind of statement
it is, but consider it our last.
I am a hamster.
Life is fuzzy
Life is sleepy
I’m a hamster
I have four walls of plastic glare
And a wheel that takes me nowhere
If you pick me up, I may pee on your hands
It really sort of depends
I’m a hamster
Sometimes I poop in my food bowl
Fall asleep, and wake up confused
So I eat some cardboard instead
I’m a hamster
If I knew what suicide was
And if there was any way for me
To fire a gun
I’d do it in a heartbeat, most likely
I’m a hamster
If I knew of concepts like love and rock ‘n’ roll,
I’d play a bitchin’ sweet tune on my tiny guitar
And be stared at by the other hamsters
Then probably kill myself like Kurt Cobain
I’m a hamster
I once found true love in my cage
We humped a lot, and for no good reason
She ate our children
She died and was flushed down the toilet
I don’t really know the details of that last part
I am a hamster
Reprinted
from Bob's [private] journal
This
country is going down the shithole— fast. Democrats
hate Republicans. Republicans hate Democrats and everyone
hates that vagina-clenching Hillary Clinton. Whether it's
the Michael Jackson trial, Terri Schiavo's feeding tube
or the dipshittery of the runaway bride, people in this
country are starting to act like those crazy ass A-rabs.
Those crazy, dumb-as-dirt, camel fuckers. We're Americans.
We need to stop fighting amongst ourselves. We need to focus
our energy on love and acceptance and killing people overseas
(when appropriate). Anyway, we don't need to listen to those
crazy Europeans or anyone else for that matter. Fucking
French. Especially actors like that dirtbag Sean Penn telling
us how much we suck. YOU suck! 
Our final word about Star Wars isn't a word at all, it's
more of a statement. We have no idea what kind of statement
it is, but consider it our last. 
The
Craptastic Movie Reviewer
