A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO SODOMY

Sodomizing your partner can be one of the most special, intimate moments of your life. You can now do it legally in the privacy of your own home without fear of being dragged out of bed, thrown in jail and listed the following week under the police blotter of your local paper. Despite the recent Supreme Court ruling, we urge restraint and caution when experiencing the beautiful, mysterious world of sodomy for the first time. Here are a few guidelines:

1. It's a Novelty. Keep in mind that sodomy may be a novelty in your bedroom and like most novelties, the thrill can wear off if you overdo it. Too much of anything is not a good thing. Sodomy should be saved for special occasions, such as an anniversary or as a reward for finally cleaning the rain gutters. Use it sparingly.

2. Go Slow, Warn Her First. We cannot overemphasize the need to warn your spouse or loved one BEFORE you begin. The most common mistake novices make is the "distraction method" followed immediately by the "blind jab." This almost always leads to anger, confusion and breakups. Discuss your strategy beforehand. Get permission.

3. Explain that it's not a Punishment (unless of course it actually is punishment). Due to more than 150 years of anti-sodomy laws, many of us are conditioned to think that sodomy is a brutal, animalistic act only to be experienced in the prison system. Nervous beginners may feel this is some kind of punishment and may resist it at first. It is vital to explain that this is not a punishment despite the excruciating pain they are sure to experience. Apologize for any pain you are causing and continue anyway. It is important to refrain from making comments like "this is hurting me a lot more than it's hurting you." That sounds like punishment and your partner won't believe you.

4. 'Tis Better to Give Then Receive. This universal truth isn't just for holiday gift-giving, it goes for sodomy as well. You might want to keep this fact from your partner, as they may eventually tire of always playing catcher.

5. It Can Lead to Awkward Moments. Always experience sodomy as the last thing you do before you go to bed. When you wake up it will all seem like a crazy dream. Never, ever engage in sodomy and then attempt to have a romantic dinner afterwards, as you will be faced with the awkwardness of looking into her eyes and realizing what you've just done. There is nothing that ruins a romantic dinner more than an anal appetizer.

6. The Morning After. It is important that after a night of sodomizing, you get up and act like it didn't happen. Have breakfast, discuss the news or who's going to take the kids to soccer practice. Don't dwell on the fact you've practically raped the mother of your children.

7. Icepacks, Muscle Relaxants. Considerate sodomizers will have plenty of medical aids available, such as icepacks, oversized hot water bottles, donut shaped pillows and plenty of prescription strength muscle relaxants. Show that you really care by preparing these items beforehand.

8. Do NOT Picture Others Doing This. This is absolutely critical. We cannot stress this enough. If you remember one thing about sodomy, you must never, ever picture anyone else doing this. Picturing an elderly family member or coworker engaged in this act can cause nightmares and even seizures. It will destroy your relationship with these people and you will never be able to sleep again.

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