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BERLIN -- Just two weeks after Brazil beat Germany to win
their record fifth World Cup Championship, several members
of the winning club have allegedly tested positive for a Jesus-enhanced
performance.
In the streets of Berlin, thousands of soccer fans demonstrated
after hearing the news, demanding an immediate inquiry followed
by either a rematch or forfeiture to the runner-up German
national team.
"They get help from Jesus and that not fair," screamed
Deitrich Mayer, a German soccer fan, admitted nihilist and
star of several underground fetish videos. "Ich bin ein
athiest und ich trage unterwäsche der frauen!"
Doubt was first cast moments after victory when after an
interview in which superstar Brazilian striker Ronaldo made
numerous mentions of Jesus and thanked him for allowing him
to kick the only two goals of the game. Several tests later
confirmed the performance was indeed Jesus-enhanced.
In an exclusive video provided by the German Ministry, Ronaldo
is clearly heard saying "oh Jesus, praise Jesus, help
me Jesus, that's right Jesus, yes Jesus, please let me score
a goal Jesus." Ronaldo also referred to the Germans as
"Satan's little helpers" and begged God to strike
them dead before the end of the game.
The World Soccer Federation promised to investigate the incident
after Germany threatened to boycott future games.
"It is imperative that athletes be provided a level
playing field," said German coach Rudi Voeller after
hearing the news of the test results. "Since World War
II, everyone knows that Jesus doesn't really like us anymore
and that's just not good sportsmanship."
Ronaldo could not be reached for comment but admitted through
a spokesman he is getting help and advice by Chicago Cubs
slugger Sammy Sosa and would try to be completely Jesus-free
by early September at the latest.
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