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According to the latest findings of the Youth Risk Behavior
Surveillance System, teen sex is on the decline, with only
54% of high school students engaging in sex, down almost 8%
from just a decade ago.
Officials were quick to point out that if it weren't for
16-year-old Suzy Fleming of Akron, Ohio, who has continued
to throw off the national average with wildly promiscuous
sexual behavior, the results would most certainly be much
lower.
"In doing this kind of study, a particularly trampy
young woman like Suzy Fleming can really throw off the scale,"
says LeAnna Benn, director of the Teen Aid abstinence program
who cosponsored the research. "The freakishly high numbers
of sexual partners she's had since leaving parochial school
in the 6th grade has forced us to take a hard look at our
numbers."
Despite the fact that Fleming, known affectionately as "Tuna
Town," has bedded more than 67% the male population of
her high school and 39% of the female population, the researchers
noted when they ignored those numbers they actually found
a significant increase in teen abstinence throughout the country.
"Let's not let that slut underscore what's really happened
in America," said Peter Brandt of the Not Me, Not Now"
program which began promoting virginity pledges more than
5 years ago. Teens are less interested in sex and more interested
in politics and sports...that is for everyone but that walking
yeast infection Suzy Fleming."
Brandt argues that "virginity pledges" work, noting
a study in the American Journal of Sociology which showed
taking the pledge reduces the probability a teen will initiate
sex by one-third. Among students who took the virginity pledge
and whose parents disapproved strongly of premarital sex,
the likelihood that teens would be sexually active dropped
by three-quarters, except of course in the case of Suzy Fleming,
who took the virginity pledge and then was discovered a day
later on her knees in the supply closet with Freshman Timmy
Owens.
According to the American Journal of Sociology, "Suzy
Fleming is a lying whore and needs to have her knees fused
together." Otherwise, it goes on to say, "The rest
of America may learn from her example."
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Above:
According to the American Journal of Sociology, "Suzy
is a lying whore and needs to have her knees fused together."
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