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Boston, MA - Financial Analyst Mark Sanderstrom surprised
his bosses and coworkers Tuesday with the admission he was
feeling slightly gay lately.
The 12 year veteran of Merrill Lynch says he first noticed
these feelings last Friday and wasn't sure what to make of
it. He remembers arriving at the office at 8 a.m. as he usually
does. He poured his morning coffee and studied the stock indexes
when he noticed his secretary's blouse was open past the first
two buttons.
"Normally, that would have kept me going until at least
2 o'clock," Sanderstrom said. "But something was
different. Instead of staring at her glorious breasts and
then suddenly looking away when she noticed, and then making
an offhand comment about how my marriage was falling apart
to possibly encourage future flirtations, I found myself uninterested
and maybe even repulsed."
Sanderstrom at first ignored the lack of heterosexual impulses
and agreed to attend Happy Hour at Bennigan's with coworkers
where he planned to drink heartily until 7 when he had to
meet his wife at his children's soccer practice.
"Instead of ordering a Dewar's on the rocks like normal
and watching ESPN on the TV set, I saw someone drinking one
of those cute green apple martini's and thought 'boy, I'd
really like to have one of those-- and also the Mexican busboy
behind the counter.' It was startling."
During the next few days Sanderstrom's thoughts were filled
with fantasies of busboy Paco, as well as all the cabana boys
at his country club. He started calling in sick to work.
"I found myself driving and driving just to get away
and think. No matter which way I drove, I always seemed to
end up at the highway rest stop. And then I would always spend
an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom stall, reading
the messages scrawled on the walls and waiting for something.
But I didn't know what."
Finally, Sanderstrom agreed to see a therapist who showed
him a series of inkblots to gauge his reaction.
"To me, all the inkblots clearly resembled the contours
of a man's testicles, which I was shocked to find both miraculous
and beautiful."
Despite the lack of productivity at his job, Sanderstrom
and his associates are confident the day will come when he
will no longer "size up his clients" as they walk
in his office or set up any more business meetings at a Chinatown
bathhouse.
Merrill Lynch reports four other senior executives have fallen
ill with the same symptoms. They, too, are on paid leave.
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