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Los Angeles, CA - Television network executives were
stunned Thursday after research confirmed what had been a
suspicion for years -- that American males were much more
inclined to have sexual fantasies about the smarter, funnier,
slightly less attractive sitcom ensemble players than the
overtly gorgeous breakout stars.
While the Hollywood establishment may have been shocked by
the recent findings by AC Nielson, millions of male viewers
around the country just nodded their heads in agreement.
"I think it all started with 'Three's Company,' admitted
longtime television junkie Brian Whittle. "I remember
being home one night all ready to unwind to some jiggle from
Suzanne Somers, but it turned out to be one of those episodes
where she was gone, so instead I was forced to make Janet
the object of my affection. It was either her or Firley."
Whittle soon realized his tastes had begun to mature. Instead
of fantasizing about Farrah Fawcett during her run on "Charlie's
Angels," he noticed he was pleasuring himself to Kate
Jackson, a fact which he says still shocks him all these years
later.
"That was a real hard thing to come to grips with --
no pun intended -- because she was kind of dyky too. I lost
a lot of friends but fortunately it forced me to reevaluate
my priorities and my life."
Bradley Shumer had a similar experience during 11 seasons
of "Beverly Hills 90210." Shumer frequently masturbated
to most of the cast, including early favorites Jennie Garth
and Shannon Doherty. When he got bored of them, he suddenly
noticed Andrea Zuckerman, played by actress Gabriella Carteris.
"One day I was just like, wow, Andrea is not entirely
unattractive behind those glasses. She is smart and sensitive
and because she has such low standards due to her insecurity
for being an outcast among her friends, she is an easy lay.
To be honest, we men really don't want to work that hard."
Financial Analyst Zach Lambert agrees. "Andrea was this
brainy girl who wanted to get drilled just as hard as everyone
else but nobody noticed her. Except me. I noticed you, Andrea.
I would never not return your phone call."
The popular current ABC sitcom "8 Simple Rules,"
starring former "Three's Company" star John Ritter,
is a show centered around two teenaged daughters -- one, the
obviously beautiful former model Kaley Cuoco, who plays boy-crazy-slut-in-a-babydoll
daughter Bridget Hennessy. The other, somewhat overlooked
daughter played by Amy Davidson is smart, intelligent and
sensitive and Nielson predicts by season three, she will have
surpassed her TV sister in nationwide masturbation sessions
in the important male 18-34 demographic.
"It's a no brainer, Nielson rep Joe Tyson said. "By
the third season, they will have grown tired of ice cream
every night and will go for the steak and potatoes. Same thing
happened on 'Buffy' and 'Dawson's Creek.' And yet, I still
can't explain the Kate Jackson thing. That's just plain wrong."
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