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Keegan, W. VA - "You can never go home again,"
author Thomas Wolfe once wrote, and according to Jesse-Joe
Roogle of nearby Rickets Park, this is mostly true.
Roogle, 38, a former lawnmower repairman who now runs his
own rural church, lamented the fact that while he's never
actually read a Wolfe novel, he is quite certain that he can
never return to his mother's womb, which he was adamant was
much, much smaller than how he remembered it.
"It was really small," Roogle said. "Not roomy
at all like before. I was disappointed and I think mama was
as well."
Roogle first visited his mother's womb at his birth 38 years
ago and says he really missed it. He admitted---
Oh God, I'm sorry. This article
seemed like a great idea when I thought of it. It had all
the proper elements of satire and humor and it even had a
catchy headline to boot. Surely my article would be clicked
on more times than all the others and the editors would thank
me for all the traffic and use my stuff more often. I can't
believe I resorted to this. My parents read EVERYTHING I write.
They actually send the articles to their friends. They are
proud of me and say it often. How can I look at my mother
in the face after writing about some guy basically banging
his own mother?
There's no subtext here. No bigger
picture. No morality tale. It's just fucking sick. My mom
will surely think I've got some kind of latent Oedipal complex
-- only much, much worse. And then she will say something
about Grandma and Grandpa reading my work and how they might
not get the joke and think it's perverse and horrifying. Only
she will really be talking about herself. She might even cry.
But that's not half as bad as THE SHAME. Was this all worth
it? Just to get some stupid website to print my stuff?
I have a degree from one of the
most prestigious journalism schools in the country. I have
applications at the top newspapers and magazines in the country.
I won a national student award for a report I did on fraudulent
business practices. I wrote about the elderly. I wrote about
local politics. What the fuck happened to me? What kind of
twisted, unbalanced person comes up with shit like this?
And I didn't even finish the article.
If I did, it would have become even more demented, I assure
you. The first rule of newswriting are the "five W's"
-- who, what, where, when and why. That means I would have
not only quoted Roogle's mother to get her point of view,
but then I would have have uncovered just how exactly he happened
upon his mother's womb 38 years after his birth. There would
have been detail. I would have reached deep into my vast Ivy
League vocabulary. I would have used words like "ill-fitting,
dank, gelatinous, iniquitous, odoriferous. It would have been
beyond repugnant and disgusting. I am ashamed.
And you should be too. After all, you clicked on it.
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Above:
This picture is meant to be funny. Instead it illustrates
the kind of ignorance and lack of conscience or good taste
of the writer who submitted this article.
SEND THIS ARTICLE TO A FRIEND!
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