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KANSAS CITY, MO – Sources are now reporting as
fact what has been rumored for months. Doug Slaven, 33-year
old Comix Cavern employee and longtime Doctor Who aficionado,
is indeed "moving on up" from his parent’s
basement to the slightly larger, and more upscale confines
of their attic.
According to Slaven, it was finally time to prove to his
parents that he is an adult and as an adult, he could no longer
share the dank, dimly lit basement along with the dog, the
washer/dryer and a half dozen Motorhead and Christie Brinkley
posters.
"From my point of view, it’s time to move on to
greener pastures, and those pastures just happen to lie two
floors above me," said Slaven.
"Last Tuesday he told me he needed to have a talk"
said Jerry Slaven, Doug's father. "He said that he was
becoming a man and that he wanted more responsibilities and
possibility a larger allowance. I told him to screw himself
because I've heard these kinds of promises before and then
it always ends up that him and his friends spill bong juice
all over my wife's clean laundry or do something else that
tells me he's not ready."
The elder Slaven, remembering a similar incident on a classic
Brady Bunch episode, finally agreed to let him move from the
basement into the attic, but he would have to begin charging
his son rent to "give him a little taste of the real
world."
His mother Judy protested when she first heard the news since
she keeps important family heirlooms and other keepsake's
stored in the attic, but after some prodding from her husband
and a promise from her son that he would refrain from masturbating,
she finally agreed to the move on a probationary basis.
"He’s a good boy and we’re glad to have him
around, whichever floor he’s on," added Judy through
tears. "Our little boy is finally growing up."
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