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Riverside, California— With barely three weeks left
until Poly High School's Class of 2003 head back to school,
a pact made by best friends Josh Winter, Toby Ackerman and
Barry Spickler to lose their virginity by the end of summer
seems to be in serious jeopardy.
"Unfortunately, at this time, I'm afraid we may have
to move the date back a bit," said Winter, who has spent
the last two weeks trying to dispel the rumor he contracted
genital warts at Boy Scout camp. "My doctor has informed
me that my completely normal rash should be gone by homecoming.
Mark your calendar girls!"
The competitive 17-year-olds first got the idea to create
a pact to lose their virginity after repeated viewings of
the popular teen gross-out film "American Pie,"
and boldly bragged that they would not only best the movie
characters by one full year, but avoid all the pitfalls of
a typical virginity pact, including fits of jealousy, the
unwitting creation of meaningful relationships, or drinking
each other's semen from a beer bottle.
A key factor of the daring pledge made in front of all 20
members of the Poly High debate squad was when Toby Ackerman's
parents extended a 6-week vacation to South America saying
merely "we trust you" and then laughing hysterically
when Ackerman asked if he could have friends over.
Repeated attempts to lure girls to the empty Ackerman home
finally paid off in late July when a handful of cool kids
agreed to stop by when they heard pop star Ricky Martin was
going to show up for an impromptu concert. What appeared to
be the launch pad for the teen's voyage to manhood quickly
turned into a nightmare when Martin failed to show.
"Our rave party sort of died down about 9:30...at night,"
Ackerman said, still visibly gutted by the painful memories.
"They drank all my Dad's booze, cleaned out the fridge,
and then headed down to Troy Hauser's place for what they
called 'the real party'. And worst of all, I ended up drinking
a beer bottle full of Spickler's love juice!"
Like an approaching new school year, hope still springs eternal
with the three lifelong friends. Bolstered by Spickler's parent's
decision to take in a foreign exchange student this year,
the group has moved their pact date to sometime in late autumn.
"Please Lord, just let it be a hot chick and preferably
from the Czech-Republic or some other Eastern Bloc country
where the sex flows as freely as the vodka."
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