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Irvine, CA — Timothy Munson had been looking
forward to Labor Day weekend for more than a month. After
tirelessly laboring for six straight days helping his father
clean the garage, Munson was finally looking forward to a
little "get to know ya time" before classes started
the following week at the College of Auto Detailing in nearby
Chino.
Though a group of his close friends were planning an end-of-the-summer
bonfire blowout at the beach, Munson declined, saying instead
that he needed to stay home and work on his poetry. He said
the same thing to his on and off girlfriend, Suzy Bender,
who insisted they spend the weekend spooning on her parent's
couch. But Munson wasn't about to let this opportunity slip
through his hands.
"I didn't leave anything to chance," Munson said.
"I had like 30 different magazines, a couple of videos
and even a plastic vagina I found in my neighbor's backyard
-- all ready for action. Nothing was going to stop me...that
is until Grandma called my mom and told her about the picnic
with Aunt Shirley and all the cousins and -- I wanna kill
myself."
Instead of a relaxing day working the wood, Munson was forced
to endure countless hours discussing his career goals with
prying family members, followed by a marathon viewing of the
Jerry Lewis MDA telethon. Even his promiscuous cousin Cindy
had ruined his all-time favorite masturbation fantasy when
she showed up fifty pounds heavier, recovering from a bad
case of the shingles.
"I can't tell you how much Labor Day sucked, Munson
says. "How can anyone even possibly masturbate to the
Jerry Lewis telethon. I mean, Jerry's kids weren't even cute.
Plus there were lots of other people in the room "
Munson admits there will be plenty of other opportunities,
Lincoln's birthday for example or perhaps at the end of this
interview, but still he insists, it won't be the same.
"Can't a guy just have like one 12 hour period of uninterrupted
pleasure after a busy summer of cleaning my parent's garage?
Is that too much to ask?"
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