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NEW YORK — Breathing on his own and somewhat
more alert, former President Bill Clinton took one look at
the woman sitting half asleep on the cot next to his bed and
thought he must have died and gone to heaven.
Turns out it was just his wife of more than 30 years, New
York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.
"She just looked unbelievable," Clinton said. "I
can't really figure out what's different. It could be the
fact that all the nurses are overweight Filipino women or
that I'm a helpless heart patient who needs to be pampered
back to health, but my God, has my wife always been that sexy?"
Doctor's were puzzled at first by Clinton's reaction but
were quick to point out that occasionally patients going through
life-changing medical procedures experience "phantom
beauty" -- where otherwise mediocre-looking spouses take
on unreal, angelic appearances.
"I'm sure it will pass," whispered Dr. Allan Schwartz,
Columbia-Presbyterian's chief of cardiology. "It could
be the pain medication or it could be his brain is still adjusting
to the oxygen levels. But I assure you, it will definitely
pass."
"Nope, I'm pretty sure she's just hot and I never realized
it before" Clinton shot back. "No question, I'm
one lucky guy to get to sleep with her every night for the
rest of my natural life."
Friends and staffers admonished the still groggy President
from using sexual innuendo aimed at his wife while the media
was present.
"I can already tell my blood is flowing a lot better,"
Clinton said. "I mean A LOT better, if you know what
I mean. I feel a filibuster coming on."
Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's office said she has canceled
her public schedule for the next few days as the former president
recovers, but friends think she just wants to take advantage
of all the extra attention she's getting.
"My job is clear," Hillary said in a brief statement.
"I will continue to care for my husband and administer
his enormous amounts of pain medication until he is feeling
better."
Added Hillary, "By force if necessary."
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