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Washington —Following a flurry of international
criticism regarding a preemptive strike against Iraq, George
Bush surprised pundits Tuesday with the announcement he was
immediately launching "Operation Shut Your Piehole"
against nearly a dozen whiny world leaders and United Nations
officials.
According to sources, the military action will first target
Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, whom Bush vowed to
"make my bitch" after repeated comments from the
close ally that he was firmly against any unilateral action
taken by America to remove Saddam Hussein from power.
Bush also plans to target France, Germany and Italy —
or as Bush refers to them, "those good skiing countries."
If required, additional resources will be spent shutting up
Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, Louis Farrakhan and "that
ungrateful little bastard Nelson Mandela."
"Make no mistake, I'm no longer going to tolerate the
constant nagging and late night phone calls concerning our
position on Iraq," Bush said. "Operation Shut Your
Piehole will be launched immediately and without mercy until
we hear nothing but 'yes sir, whatever you say sir."'
Bush explained the action became necessary when he was continually
forced to screen his phone calls and turn off the ringer past
11 p.m.
"I had to disguise my voice every time Kofi Annan or
that Crown Prince what's-his-name called. Can't those people
just mind their own business?"
In one last ditch phone call interrupting the final episode
of "American Idol," United Nations Secretary General
Kofi Annan begged and pleaded with Bush to turn off his Caller
ID and reconsider his tough stance on Iraq.
Bush reportedly shouted into the phone, "If you love
Saddam Hussein so much, then why don't you marry him!"
Kelly Clarkson, 20, was crowned the winner of "American
Idol." Bush admits he preferred "the guy with the
funny hair."
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