Your girlfriend/boyfriend has just accused you of cheating. What do you do?

1. Burst into tears. Explain to him/her there's only one girl/guy in the world you want to be with. Then walk out of the room quickly. Repeat as necessary.

2. Blame partner. Say things like, "honey, every time you accuse me of cheating, it makes me want to bang your best friend." Afterwards, call up your partner's best friend and tell her to keep her big fat trap shut.

3. Accuse him/her of paranoia. Say things like, "I bet you also think I'm going kill you for your life insurance so I live happily ever after with my new girlfriend/boyfriend." When distracted by your fits of laughter, get him/her to sign new life insurance policy.

4. Admit guilt but blame it on something out of your control, i.e., "heavy winds from the hurricane caused my penis to accidentally wind up in the wrong bed" (Florida and Alabama residents only).

5. Become angry and defensive. Say things like, "you got proof, bitch?" Then, if she hesitates, say "I didn't think so." Apologize for your strong reaction but explain to her that unless she has pictures, she should shut her fucking mouth. Apologize the next day and offer her "make-up sex."

6. While in bed, go "downtown". After a few minutes, say something to the effect of, "now would a cheater do that?"

You suspect your teenage son or daughter is experimenting with drugs. What do you do?

1. Accuse son of being a homosexual. While he is distracted by the allegation, casually admit to him you'd rather he'd be a drug addict than a queer. Gauge reaction and share non-gay hug.

2. Sit teen down and force him/her to swallow all the ecstasy pills from your private stash. Keep saying things like "how do you like those drugs now?" If this backfires, use glowsticks and giant hat from rave party to convince teen you're Satan.

3. Use drug suspicions as an excuse to sift through your child's possessions. Sell teen's collection of beanie babies and snow globes on ebay. Repeat with neighbor's kids. Use earnings to purchase sailboat and Cancun vacation.

4. Explain to your child that no matter what, you will always love him as long as they're honest with you. When they admit to drug use, say "just kidding," and move out of house with wife and favorite children.

FROM VOL. 3:

You want to break up with your girlfriend (or boyfriend) but you are a coward. What do you do?

1. Explain to your girlfriend that on your salary you can't afford to spend $200 on dinner and dancing. Then compromise and offer $50 for a hummer instead.

2. Before Valentine's Day, hint you have a fantastic gift you're working on but it's a big secret. When she's snooping around, make sure she stumbles upon the stack of letters you've written to the producers of "Extreme Makeover," begging them to do something with the wretched, stank-ho you've been dating.

3. Say things like "I would never hurt you," then hurt her immediately afterwards. Repeat.

4. Tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you love them "too much." Then flee before they can figure out what that means.

5. Accuse your boyfriend/girlfriend of being "emotionally unavailable" and/or selfish, bitchy, mean, self-absorbed, dishonest, overweight and lousy in the sack. If this doesn't work, bring up the idea of doing a "three-way." If, for some reason that doesn't work, bring up the idea of doing a "four-way." If that doesn't work, STAY WITH HER FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHE WANTS TO DO A FOUR WAY!!!!

 

 

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