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  WASHINGTON,
D.C. — Former Vice President Al Gore reassured nervous Democratic
leaders Tuesday that his daughters Karenna, Kristen and Sarah were
aging nicely and would look "just as hot as ever" when he
officially throws his hat into the 2004 Presidential race. The announcement
came as a relief to key Democrats as they search frantically for a
way to divert the public's attention away from the Bush administration's
war on terrorism and back to the issues voters really care about.
Read
Story»
IT'S OFFICIAL: COREY FELDMAN NAMED
BOB'S NEW BEST FRIEND!
 Reprinted
from Bob's private journal
Dear
Journal,
You're
never going to guess what happened to me! My wish finally came true
—not the one about having a hot Asian girlfriend— the
other one about having an affable TV star as my best friend.
Now you might think that Corey Feldman doesn't count as a TV personality,
but it's common knowledge that he starred in the much ballyhooed
television version of the Bad News Bears, which was canceled after
one lousy season. Those network bastards! See
photos
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 EDITOR'S
RANT
10.2.02 —
Just a half update this week as we're still on our summer
schedules like our chubby friends on the Pacific island nation
of Samoa. I would, however, like to take this opportunity
to thank our readers for the hundreds of submissions to our
crappy poetry corner and announce our
first ever crappy poetry theme contest! This week's
theme: Former child actor Wil
Wheaton. You'll remember him from his performances in
"Stand by Me" and "Star Trek The Next Generation"
and most recently...umm...I dunno. Send
us a poem having anything to do with Wil Wheaton and the
best, crappiest entry will win an autographed copy of Corey
Feldman's latest CD, "Former Child Actor."
9.25.02
— Sorry about the lapse last week but we've got a great
new issue with all new columns below...plus
the huge news that Bob and Corey Feldman are becoming fast
friends. Last I heard, they were like peas and carrots —
except without the sexual overtones. You'll hear more about
it in upcoming issues.
As
for Corey, here is the official position of our website: Corey
Feldman is cool. Not cool like his wimpy "Stand By Me"
costar buddy Wil Wheaton, who went on to wreck the Star Trek
franchise before he began his boo-hoo
blog where he sits in front of the computer pitching a
tent in his much-too-snug Wesley Crusher tights (Not unlike
myself on occasion). Unlike Corey, I'd like to see Wil grabbing
splinters of soap off the Klingon prison bathroom floor (that
is also the official position of this website).
See,
Corey is
a survivor and despite some wretched movie appearances
(see Meatballs 4) and some questionable industry friends (see
Bubbles the Chimp) he's got a tight band and his girlfriend
has a tight body. Plus, we're whores. Corey promised if we
said nice things about him he'd get us into the the VIP grotto
at the Playboy Mansion. And since I just bought a new bathing
suit, I'm not bein' mean to the guy.
We
do promise our readers we won't hold back when we discuss
Corey, just as we don't hold back when we discuss the plight
of The Olsen
Twins, Tony
Danza, Scott
Baio, Meg
Ryan, Britney
Spears, Rosie
O'Donnell, Gary
Coleman, Rob
Lowe, Keanu
Reeves, Lance
Bass, Richard
Simmons, Halle
Berry, Christina
Aguilera, David
Blaine, Martha
Stewart, Will
Smith, Angelina
Jolie AND THE
REST.
See,
wasn't that tricky how I got you to spend a little time reading
our articles? I'm goin' grotto...I'm goin' grotto.
Scooter
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 Cruel,
Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell
SHIZZY'S
MAILBAG
New entries 9.25.02
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|
 1970's
Chinese action star, Yu Weng Po offers advice for losers,
substance abusers and flabby, out-of-shape Americans. Weekly.
ASK
YU 9.25.02
|
|
 Get
dating and relationship advice from Debby, the somewhat
bitter, mediocre-looking friend of several really hot chicks.
Weekly.
Read
Debby's Column New
Entries 9.25.02
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BFA RANKS TOP 20 PEOPLE IN NEED OF ETHNIC CLEANSING
Bob from Accounting is proud to present our list of the worst
and most annoying of 2002. If we left people out, we apologize.
The rankings were compiled from a strict scientific sample
based on 300 phone surveys from our satellite office in Bosnia-Herzegovina.
READ RESULTS» |
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Join Our Mailing List
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U.S. Officials Demand Iraqis Stop Waving at Secret Spy
Satellite
Read Article»
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Man Chooses Death Over Seeing "The Banger Sisters"
with Wife, Mother-in-Law
Read Article»
|
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Despite Improvement, Christopher Reeve Still Picked
Last for Touch Football
Read Article»
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Recession
Finally Hits Girl Who Will Do Anything for a Buck
Read
Article»
|
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Rob Lowe Takes Vow of Abject Poverty
Read Article»
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Prince Harry Turns 18: A Benny Hill Tribute
Read Article»
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VIN
DIESEL
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Vital
Stats
Real
Name: Leonard B. Dieselwitz
Nickname:
Asscandy
Pros:
Expert at spying, preventing bomb/biohazard/disaster or
breaking up terrorist group. Steely gaze known to melt fudge
even on relatively chilly days.
Cons:
Frequent estrogen injections interfere with film schedule,
lovemaking.
Biggest
regret: "I didn't have my giant harpoon gun nearby
when those guys were crashing airplanes into the World Trade
Center."
I
wish: "I could expand my acting roles to include
adventure AND action films. Also, that people would focus
less on my muscles and acting ability and more on my new barbershop
quartet, "The Aca-fellas."
Recent
Quote: "Making Saving Private Ryan was like my own
personal Viet Nam."
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POETRY CONTEST: Create a crappy poem about former child actor Wil
Wheaton and win an autographed copy of Corey Feldman's new CD.
Send it here
"Oops the Poops"
I got the poops,
It ain't pleasant,
I got the poops,
The squawking rectal pheasant
I got the poops,
It ain't nice,
I got the poops,
Launching barking anal mice
Submitted by Brendan & Mike
"The Optic Nerve of You"
You took my gifts
You took my rings
Tickets to ballgames
And other things
The Optic Nerve of You
Accepted rides upon my yacht
A set of blues is what I got, baby
The Optic Nerve of You
How I remember
Those sweet nights on the Atlantic
I euphemised my lust
By acting so ro-man- tic
The Optic Nerve of You
But came the dawn
I found you gone
Ripped off my Thermos
And my stuffed fawn, baby now
The Optic, not the myopic nerve of you
Poo Poo Pee Do
Submitted by John Corsello, Pennsylvania
Are you a crappy poet? Send
it in
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