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Chicago, IL — Jennifer Konkle admitted for the
first time Monday that due to the recession and economic fallout
created by the fiscally-negligent, war mongering Bush administration,
she might have to be "somewhat less whore-ish" in
the weeks and months ahead.
Konkle, 23, a favorite of O'Canter's Country Tavern in nearby
Schaumberg, explained to several angry patrons why she could
no longer make out with Timmy, the part-time dishwasher and
Down Syndrome-suffering son of owner Jim O'Canter.
"I've got rent to pay and doctor visits and I just can't
rationalize kissing retarded kids for a dollar. I'm sorry
but it just doesn't make good financial sense at this time."
According to accountant Jeff Muranaka, Konkle's modest portfolio
has slipped and her extra income just doesn't go as far anymore.
"Even whorish bar tricks like picking up bottlecaps with
her ass are still taxable," Konkle said."I've advised
her to simply raise her prices or possibly charge a dollar
for each breast she exposes. Right now she's considering
several additional services."
Konkle first got the idea to do anything for a buck three
years ago after someone dared her to urinate in O'Canter's
parking lot during a particularly long line at the women's
restroom. According to Konkle, she was about to urinate for
free when she looked up and saw the sign for the 99 Cents
Store.
"The idea came just like a lightning bolt. I charged
that guy 99 cents but when he couldn't make change for a dollar,
I just rounded up. He didn't seem to mind at all."
But as several of the discount stores chains were forced
to raise pricees, Konkle knew she would have to eventually
charge more as well.
"Showing my vagina at parties use to cover my entire
grocery bill -- now it barely covers tampons and Altoids.
I think most people will understand that these are tough times
and people are going to have to reach deeper."
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