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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former Vice President Al Gore
reassured nervous Democratic leaders Tuesday that his daughters
Karenna, Kristen and Sarah were aging nicely and would look
"just as sweet as ever" when he officially throws
his hat into the 2004 Presidential race.
The announcement came as a relief to key Democratic Senators
as they search frantically for a way to divert the public's
attention away from the Republican administration's war on
terrorism and back to the issues voters really care about.
"My daughters might not be the budding, enticingly wholesome
girls they were a few years ago," admitted the defeated
2000 Democratic presidential nominee after a scathing critique
of the Bush twin's recent drinking and acne problems. "But
now they are fully-blossomed women, who do the same kind of
things other healthy, fully-blossomed women do when they go
on dates with average Americans who promise to vote for me."
Gore's eldest daughter Karenna, 29, often mentioned as her
father's top advisor, remains married to Dr. Andrew Schiff,
but that hasn't stopped her from working out five days a week
with a personal trainer.
"Working on a campaign is a tough, exhausting process
and being in shape has nothing to do with pandering to voters,"
Karenna said. "Besides, why would anybody care if my
thighs are firm and tight as they appear under these French-cut
silk stockings? It's totally irrelevant."
Gore's middle daughter Kristen agrees. "My father should
win in 2004 whether or not my 500 calorie a day diet and fat-reducing
hypnotherapy works to lose those unwanted inches," Kristin
said. "Even if I accidentally slip every once in awhile
and eat all the cookies Mom made for the women's Auxilliary
Club, it shouldn't matter and people shouldn't get angry at
me. I'm sorry mommy. So sorry."
According to Democratic National Convention Chairman Russ
Waters, when the American public watched the Vice President
engage in a lingering deep throat kiss with his wife Tipper
at the 2000 Convention, his approval rating with women went
up by more than 20 points.
"We're in talks to get two of the Gore sisters to kiss
each other at the 2004 Demoncratic Convention so we can finally
reach those male voters," Waters said. "If that
doesn't secure a Presidential victory, I don't know what will."
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