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CLEVELAND, Ohio -- A splinter group tied to Osama
bin Laden and al-Qaeda told Arab journalists Wednesday that
that their organization was not only responsible for the blackout
that brought much of the U.S. east coast and parts of Canada
to a halt, but they were behind ABC's recent decision to bring
back the "TGIF" comedy lineup in the fall.
"The American infidels would have you believe it was
a coincidence or human error that had New Yorkers screaming
in the dark like little girls," Pakistani Cleric Ammad
Shami el-Assan. "But there is no human error great enough
to bring back poorly written Friday night television aimed
at children and dateless women."
US investigators brushed off the statements as absurd, explaining
that the outage was due to unexpected voltage swings that
rippled across the power grid. Or it began when a tree branch
shorted a high-voltage line in Ohio. Or possibly the failures
of a coal-fired generator and an automated warning system
might have played a part.
"It is way too early to engage in speculation about
the role any incident might have had in the overall problem,"
US Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham told reporters at a news
conference in Washington. "As for TGIF, I have no comment."
ABC Entertainment President Susan Lyne told reporters that
the allegations are untrue and they had been planning on bringing
back TGIF for years, "but we just couldn't find a good
script for Urkel. Now that's changed."
Shami el-Assan insists his group has had "an associate"
on the ABC payroll for years, first starting in the mailroom
and working his way up to fry cook and then finally programming
executive.
"It's happening just as we planned," Shami el-Assan
said. "First Urkel and then we hit them where it really
hurts-- a double dose of Cousin Larry and Balkie -- and we
hope-- followed up by something with those beloved Olsen Twins.
We're still working out the contracts."
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