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WHO THE HELL IS
BOB FROM ACCOUNTING?
A LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
LoserWire was established in 2001 as
an obvious attempt by the editor to get the attention of his
agent, who never calls anymore.
Dear Minions:
Thank you for checking out our ezine—an
homage to the everyday working man in 21st century America.
(that's politetalk for big fat loser)
Beginning this month, all of our columns,
journals and other "features" will be updated weekly,
with an entirely new issue being published every two weeks.
For those of you who are wondering, Bob
from Accounting IS AN ACTUAL PERSON who has graciously accepted
this website’s permission to tell his story and those
of his co-workers at Septicorp International Enterprises,
a leading manufacturer and distributor of commercial septic
systems somewhere in the remote Midwest.
Though I can’t divulge the exact location
of the office complex for purposes of privacy, I will tell
you that it’s not unlike many corporations around the
country. There are office politics and spiteful bosses and
unhappy workers and we are here to tell their stories. Names
may change to protect the innocent, but we will make every
attempt to provide you with accurate information.
By the way, we're not doing this website
for money or fame or to meet women. We're doing it because
God asked us to. Just thought you might like to know that.
Warmest Regards,
Scooter.
Editor in Chief
P.S. Bob from Accounting orginally came
to us through a letter, and due to the timely launching of
our website, we would like to reprint both the now-famous
letter and our response.
* * * * *
Dear LoserWire Editors,
My name is Bob. I’m an
accountant for a large corporation in the Midwest.
Back in December of 1999 I
was invited to a party by Phil from the collections department
here at Septicorp. Phil and some of his "cult buddies"
said the world was coming to an end as a result of a doomsday
comet combined with some stupid Y2K computer glitch. He said
Nostradamus predicted the entire thing and they were gonna
live in some kind of underground bunker until it was safe
to come out. He insisted I do the same.
I did and spent the last two
years eating canned spam and masterbating in a basement supply
closet near my office complex waiting for the day the radioactive
waves from the nuclear fallout would dissipate to human-safe
levels.
When I was recently discovered,
I found out there was no Y2K glitch, no comet, no bomb. Nothing.
I was elated to get back to my life and continue where I left
off, but I found out while I was away, Phil from collections
was banging my girfriend and they both spent all my money.
Worst of all, Phil from collections is now my boss and is
making my life hell. I want to kill him and then eat his children.
I feel like a big fat loser
for being so stupid and I don’t know what to do. I tried
to write the producers of the Jerry Springer Show, but they
keep ignoring me so I thought of you guys.
Please help,
Bob (from Accounting)
* * * * *
Dear Bob (from Accounting),
You obviously are a big fat
loser. However, we at LoserWire are intrigued by big fat losers.
We would be happy to exploit you on our website. We'll first
need two forms of I.D. and your bank routing number. We'll
be in touch.
Best Wishes,
The LoserWire Editors
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