Dear Debby's Advice Column

Debby is the somewhat bitter, mediocre-looking friend of several really hot chicks. Debby is convinced that by helping others she will be able to work through her own "issues" and begin to trust men again. Debby has a minor in psychology from Clairmont Community College and a fair amount of dating experience.

Please email Debby with your questions

Dear Debby,

I'm thinking about placing an online personal ad, but I'm curious about how much info should I include about myself. I want to be honest but don't want to scare anyone away.

Please help!

Betsy with Some Baggage
Roanoke, VA

Dear Betsy,

That's a very good question. Thankfully, I consider myself an expert in online dating, which is one of the BEST ways to meet people in today's busy modern world, despite what my mom says about how it's really just a desperate last ditch effort to sell yourself to the lowest dreck of society like a cheap whore. But keep in mind, my mother is TOTALLY IGNORANT about this kind of stuff and has all but ruined every single one of my online dating experiences by secretly logging into my email account and sending the guys long quotes from my diary. Unfortunately, she never sends the beautiful poetry and songs I write, just stuff about my meaty nose, cellulite issue and mild OCD.

Which brings me to my next point, when you're writing to a stranger online, don't mention your meaty nose, cellulite or mild OCD (unless he admits he has the same issues and then you have something in common!)

If you're going to take the plunge, you need to make a list of all the things you like about yourself and include it in your personal ad. "Accentuate the positive!" as the song goes. Even though you may have low self esteem because you've already been fixed up by everyone that knows you and you've failed again and again and now you're willing to meet anyone within 30 miles of your house, you still have SOME good qualities and deserve to meet someone great.

If your physical appearance isn't so good, try to find a "Glamour Shots" at your local mall. They do amazing stuff with lighting and makeup and feathered boas. Keep in mind it's NOT YOUR FAULT if you are unattractive-- unless you are fat and eat cookies and fried chicken all day long -- then it's probably your fault a little bit. Either way, it's important to show off your GOOD qualities no matter how gross you look in the shower.

I'm sure if you try really hard you can turn any "baggage" or negative qualities into something positive. Previous bad relationships could be referred to as "really good learning experiences" in your ad and if you're a skank whore with bastard children, just write that you are "very, very affectionate with everyone" and promise that your bastard kids will not interfere with the attention you will give him if things go well.

There are lots and lots of really great guys out there who use the internet to meet women. They are not like typical guys you might meet in a bar or club who shy away from longterm relationships. In fact, most guys online seem to be very eager to jump right into an intimate relationship. If I had a dollar for everytime a guy said I was the most beautiful, wonderful girl he'd ever met in a darkened parking lot, I would be rich! Unfortunately, sometimes after I insist we take things slowly and have them meet my family first, they get frustrated and occasionally, in their anger, pull out Mr. Dinglenuts in the middle of a conversation about my rug-hooking class and other interests. This is not only inappropriate and disrespectful, but it tends to make meaningful conversation very difficult when you agree to meet him again the following week.

So, to recap: Be honest but highlight the positive (unless you have VD and then you're screwed) Hide your email password from your family members. When you do eventually meet, make sure it's in a well-lit parking lot and keep an organized file with pictures, background information and wiener photos so you don't get them all mixed up.

You Asked,

Debby

******

Dear Debby,

How long do I have to be dating someone before I'm allowed to poop in their bathroom?

Holly
Oklahoma City

Dear Holly,

Hmm. Good question. While it's kind of a gross question, I will try to address it professionally and without giggling. Poop is a part of life and everyone poops no matter how attractive or popular you are. The answer to your question really depends on how comfortable you are with your boyfriend. I think that the perfect man will allow you to poop in his bathroom and not say mean things afterwards. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is when guys would say things to me like "wow, what the hell did you eat?" or "can you please NOT poop in my bathroom" in the middle of it. Calling attention to the poop is really the worst part. And the other problem is that sometimes the toilet doesn't work so well and there's always some trick to make it flush and I'm not very technically inclined like the guys are. I have a bit of a phobia of pooping anywhere other than my own personal toilet because nobody says mean things about it except my mother who likes to bang on the door and laugh at me afterwards. Some people are totally comfortable pooping all the time and even leave the door open. That's gross. You should keep the door closed and have a can of Glade in your purse. And stay away from Chinese food on a first date. If you really need a time frame, I would say it's okay to poop in his bathroom after he meets your parents and you have decided to be exclusive. But whatever you do, don't make the mistake of pooping immediately after he tells you he loves you for the first time. This can really ruin the romance unless he goes first. Then maybe it's okay.

You Asked,

Debby

Dear Debby,

My boyfriend likes big boobs and I was thinking about getting breast implants. How do you feel about them?

Janie
Upper Darby, PA

Dear Janie,

I think breast implants are usually a big mistake because of the health risks. You should not do things to your body just because a boyfriend wants you to have bigger breasts. Of course, nose jobs and liposuction are slightly better because it's MUCH harder to cover up a meaty nose or large thighs than your boobs. Anyway, it's important that you focus on having good self esteem first, and better boobs/nose/thighs second. Now, I must admit, I once considered having breast work done but mostly because my mother pointed out that I'm lopsided and that no man would ever want to see me naked. I partially blame her because she didn't take me bra shopping until I was 20. I told her that if a man really loved me, he wouldn't care about all those superficial things. But then like a week later, the guy I was dating said the same thing. He kept pointing to other girl's breasts and saying things like "wow, look at THOSE breasts." and "I wish you had breasts like hers." I know this seems like a mean thing to say but he never said a word about my cellulite, so I figure it was a good trade. Bottom line: boobs are only as important as how you feel about yourself. So unless you get freebies on a reality TV show, you should stand tall and be proud of your tiny, lopsided boobs. The rest of the world will follow.

******

Dear Debbie,

Hi, I am dating a new guy and am wondering if I should ask how many other women he has previously slept with. He does not seem to want to be forthcoming with the info.

Whachathink?

Susan
Tampa, Florida

Dear Susan,

For starters my name is not "Debbie". It's Debby. D-E-B-B-Y. Otherwise Deborah. Or Deb. Never "Debbie". And to answer your question, it's nearly impossible to find out how many partners your boyfriend has had without doing some serious detective work and the password to his palm pilot. When someone won't tell you the number or constantly changes the subject whenever you ask, then it's usually not good news. My mother always says "don't ask the question if you don't really want the answer." This is really good advice because my mom can be really honest and/or cruel whenever I ask her stuff. Keep in mind that it doesn't really matter how many partners your boyfriend has had previously -- what matters is that he now wants to have sex with YOU. And try not to obsess about how much better the others look in bed without any clothes. Apparently, it ruins the mood for guys when you bring up the subject. We are all individuals and should be judged not against others but based on our own unique and special characteristics, no matter how fat and ethnic looking you are.

As for the subject of sexual partners, I personally use a math formula that was constructed by my friend Pete if my other detective work fails. If the guy gives you any figure, multiply that number by 1.75. So if he says he's had 7 partners, then the actual number would be 12.25. If he doesn't give you a number, then the figure is always more than 10 and, after the age of 22, you need to add 5 for each additional year.

But remember, you are NOT a number. You ARE a piece of meat.

You Asked,

Debby

Dear Debby,

I am studying psychology from a good university and I have to say that your advice is horrible. I think that a minor in psychology from a lousy community college does not make you an expert. Maybe you should consider becoming a beautician. Start with putting some concealer on your fat, meaty nose. Oh, and I actually have a boyfriend. It's because I'm not a dimwit.

Taylor, Sophomore, University of California Santa Barbara

Dear Know-It-All-Skank Whore,

I'm not going to get upset by your immature insults because I'm not insecure enough to let it bother me. Let me ask you a question though. Do YOU have an advice column? Huh? Do you?? I didn't think so.

Wanna know why? Because you are a mean skank whore who doesn't understand that my psychology experience is one part education and three parts life experience. And also one part good genetics and intelligence that God gave me. I bet you can't even write poetry or play the organ. Well, I can! So screw you.

Also, everyone knows that the girls at UCSB are skank whores who fill volumes of those "Girls Gone Wild" videos. I'm guessing that the only reason you have a boyfriend is because you showed him your boobs on the first date. I respect myself way too much to do something like that. And it has nothing to do with the fact that they're somewhat lopsided. I'm not bothered by superficial stuff like that. But I bet you are!

I think if you were a little kinder, you might actually find out we have a lot in common. We might even be friends. Maybe even best friends who might hang out together in bars and go shopping together at the mall and say funny things about guys and then give each other advice and beauty tips. But now you can just forget it. You blew it. Unless, I get an apology sometime in the next week.

You Asked,

Debby

P.S. If this is my mom, you're not funny.

******

Dear Deb,

I am a very attractive homosexual male. Needless to say I have quite a few straight female friends who I like to go shopping and gossip over coffee with. Recently, however, a couple of them have been a cause for concern. You see, I love my female friends and I feel I can talk to them about anything but a couple of them have expressed interest in sleeping with me. Now at first I was flattered, however, since I have technically never been with a woman (I mean, I've been to Hooters and stuff when I was in the closet with my heterosexual guy friends) how do I know I am gay? Should I take my friends up on their offer and try to have mind blowing heterosexual man/woman sex with them or should I trust the fact that I am really only sexually attracted to muscle bearish Bruce Willis types who are hung? I've tried to watch straight porn in order to see what I would have to do if I were to be with a woman but I find myself only staring at the men. Can you please help me?????

Dave
Tampa, Florida

Dear Dave,

Well, this is a very good question and I happen to have a LOT of experience with it. Many people think that you're either born gay or straight and it's purely biological. I don't think that way at all! Maybe you saw a vagina when you were a small boy and it scared you away from vaginas from then on. Sometimes vaginas can look a little scary -- especially in the 70's or 80's when people didn't do any kind of waxing down there. I know when I was a little girl, I used to have nightmares after seeing my mom's vagina. I was afraid of her for years after that.

More importantly, I have dated many, MANY guys who suddenly told me they were gay right before things got serious. It was super frustrating because it was right before we were going to "do it" or after I spent a month telling my parents about them and they were finally going to come over to have dinner with my family.

Sometimes, I would follow them in my car and see they were kissing other girls. When I confronted them they told me they switched back to girls and would have called me, but they were either too embarrassed or lost my number. Or lost my email. Or sometimes all three. The point is that guys can change their minds just like girls!

I don't know how to tell you for certain if you're gay or not, but maybe if you pinch yourself every time you see a male penis, then maybe you won't be attracted to male penises anymore. It's called "conditioning" and we spent three whole days studying it in my Intro psychology class. Then, if you eat yummy ice cream every time you see a vagina, maybe you'll like that better too.

You Asked,

Debby

Dear Debby,

I'm dating this guy who's a bit of a wimp. He cries in movies, always want to cuddle with me and is overly emotional about everything. He always wants to talk about his feelings and all that crap. Plus he writes me poetry. I thought it was cute at first but now it's just annoying. Anything I can do to change it -- or him?

Controlling Cara in Camden
Camden, NJ

Dear Controlling Cara,

I don't know what you're complaining about. He sounds like a dreamboat. Men who show emotion are probably the best men you can find because they're just like girlfriends except your mom won't accuse you of being a lesbian. I think you should count your blessings that you can find a guy to share all your innermost thoughts with instead of having to tell your stuffed animals. Most importantly, if you really care for him, you'll accept all of his faults because obviously he accepts the fact that you're an ungrateful bitch who doesn't deserve him.

You Asked,

Debby

******

Hey Debby,

I went to a party awhile ago, and me and this guy I've liked for AGES were getting rather close. Nothing serious happened, we were just fooling around. We're pretty good friends, and we have been for a long time and I sorta thought this was the beginning of something. So of course I was really disappointed when he didn't call, or even mention what'd happened. How do I bring this up and tell him what it meant to me without scaring him off?
Any help would be much appreciated.

Dazed and Confused
Sunshine Coast, QLD

Dear Dazed and Confused,

Ah yes, one of those wonderful, magical nights when love is in the air and you're at a party and having fun and finally IT happens with the guy of your dreams. It's the best feeling in the world. If only we could recreate that special moment and put it in a bottle so we could relive it again and again -- you know, afterwards, like when he doesn't call and you're curled up in the fetal position on your bed.

I remember one time it happened to me, and when the guy didn't call I was just devastated and confused. We had such a wonderful night of romance and he promised he would call me for a date, but that phone call never came. A few months later when I saw him walking out of a bar, I was able to confront him and find out the reasons he never called me. I felt SO much better when he told me he lost my number. I had all this anger stored up inside me, but thank goodness it was an innocent mistake. I then asked him why he didn't call information to get my number or just ask one of our mutual friends, but he explained that he got amnesia after falling down and couldn't remember my name or anything about me. I felt SO BAD for yelling at him and sticking pins in a special voodoo doll I made.

The point is he MEANT to call me and I was so happy and excited when I finally confronted him. Unfortunately, he said was joining the Army and leaving the next morning. So guess what? We got to recreate our night of magic for a few hours in the parking lot before he left for South Korea. I can't wait until my first letter! I sure hope he's staying safe.

Anyway, it sounds like you weren't lucky enough to get closure like I did. You need to keep making yourself available at other parties that he attends. For some reason I always seem to have better luck when I arrive late and the party is winding down. I always seem to have a bunch of guys hitting on me right when it's time to go home. One of my girlfriends said it's because they're drunk and horny but what the fuck does she know anyway. She's just a jealous bitch. Anyway, guys really like women who are confrontational and forward and don't mind cleaning vomit stains off the carpeting.

You Asked,

Debby

Dear Debby,

I had this girlfriend for 2 1/2 months that I had a crush on in high school since my freshman year and finally we started dating after high school. We seemed to have the most romantic and perfect "Disney" relationship. She was in love with her boyfriend she had before me and then cheated on me with him. She cried to me and said he was an asshole and begged me back. I don't know if I should take back a cheater. What do you think I should do?

Eric

Eric,

My first thought is "once a cheater always a cheater," but she did apologize. Hmmm. I must admit, I don't have a lot of experience with sincere apologies like that. Hang on a sec, I'm going to ask my friend Tricia (she's really smart and super popular). She's helping me pick out new, stylish clothes.

Okay, Tricia said something about you being a big f***ing loser who doesn't understand your exgirlfriend is just rebounding with you because it didn't work out with the other guy and now she's sad and lonely. Tricia thinks you're stupid for even believing for one second she won't cheat on you once she gets over the loss and feels better about herself. She called you a bunch more names and I won't repeat them because they were rude and insensitive and pretty gross.

Don't listen to Tricia necessarily. I think you should try to trick your girlfriend by calling her and disguising your voice like that other guy. Be REALLY nice to her and beg her to come over for some sex. (This works by email too). Then if she goes for it, you know she's a cheating whore. Although according to my friend Tricia, she's a cheating whore anyway.

You Asked,

Debby

******

Dear Debby,

Hi there I just recently got engaged to my boyfriend but I'm not sure if he REALLY loves me. What are some questions I could ask to find out if we are going to be together or if we are going to break up? I don't know what to ask him at all I need your advice ASAP?

Thank you

Sheila Anderson

Dear Sheila,

I always believe in being upfront with your boyfriend. Getting married is the most special moment in a girl's life. It's something we dream about from the time we're very young and then later when we finish college and want to move out our parent's house into a much bigger house with a better backyard that's like three times the size of our parent's house and they're somewhat jealous. Marriage should NOT be taken lightly. There are lots of people out there that get married and then breakup and it's horrible because they may have saved themselves until the wedding night, and then if they get divorced, the girl can never get her virginity back without outpatient surgery at the vaginal rejuvenation clinic, which is probably very painful and expensive.

You need to talk to your boyfriend and find out how much he loves you, even if he says over and over that he doesn't want to talk about it. It's really important that you find out as much as you can about how he feels about you. Ask things like "if I were to fall down and have an aneurysm and be bedridden and get all gross and bloated, would you still love me?" Or you could just accidentally show up to his office without any makeup and see if he introduces you to his coworkers as his girlfriend or just ignores you and pretends you're the UPS worker delivering toner.

You also have to find out about his previous girlfriends and what went wrong. Don't get upset if you find out they're prettier or thinner than you. He's with you because he loves you, unless, of course, you're a rebound. In either case, you need to find out all you can about his previous girlfriend's faults and remind him again and again about them. It's a pretty good sign he still thinks about previous girls if he still keeps their pictures in his email mailbox in a special folder marked "invoices." Don't delete them or he'll get mad. Just try to use Photoshop to make them slightly fatter if possible.

Other than that, there's really nothing you can do to guarantee that he loves you or your marriage will work. You need to trust him when he tells you how he feels. Also, make sure you don't get caught with the Photoshop thing.

You Asked,

Debby

******

Dear Debby,

I'm a huge fan and love your column but you all but disappeared during the last several months. I'm curious where you've been. Is everything okay? Are you still with Enrique? Have you guys...umm...done it yet?

Huge Fan in Cambridge

Dear Huge Fan,

Thank you for your nice comments. I realize I've been missing for a long time. Maybe next week I'll give you a longer explanation but I will say that I was dealing with some personal issues and needed to spend some good quality time with myself. Enrique and I happen to be on a break right now but I am confident that we will get back together soon. I do want to keep my personal life private so I can't really talk about our relationship here, but I will say that I have nothing but respect for Enrique and I completely forgive him for everything he did to me. Some of it wasn't really his fault. And the stuff that was his fault just doesn't seem like that big of a deal right now. Anyway, I don't really want to talk about it here, but if he IS reading this, he should know that everytime I pass by Medieval Times, I think of him and wonder how he's doing. I also want him to know I wasn't hiding under his car to spy on him. I dropped something. I understand why he wouldn't want to visit me in the hospital because at the time he didn't realize he ran me over twice. I know it wasn't done on purpose. Also, he should know that Jennie K. has herpes. I just thought he should now because Renaissance Fair employees don't always practice safe sex. He may think she doesn't have herpes and I'm just saying that because of the rumor I spread last summer, but I've done a lot of research and diseases like that go into remission. I'm really sure she has herpes and probably crabs as well. If you don't believe me then fine, but if you get some disease from Jennie K. and break up with her, don't come crawling back to me because I probably won't take you back.

To the rest of my readers, please forgive me for my prolonged absence. I promise I will help you with your problems and never leave you again. I feel really great right now, I've even signed up for a rughooking class and scrapbooking, and not just to forget about Enrique and get my mom off my case. I'm really excited and reengergized about coming back to my column, so please send your questions!

Debby

Dear Debby,

There's this guy I've been dating and every time I tell him I'm going to go work out or if I mention I'm dieting, he discourages it. He lets me eat anything I want and brings me fast food and ice cream all the time. It seems weird that he seems to want me fat. Is this normal? Should I just let myself go like he seems to want?

Chunky Chased

Dear Chunky,

Wow, that does seem pretty amazing. Are you sure about this? I've heard about these so called "chubby chasers" but I've never actually spoken to anyone who dated one. Personally, I think if some guy doesn't mind that you're eating gallons of ice cream and not running into the closet immediately afterwards to purge into a jar, then you should stick to him like mayonnaise. However, that doesn't mean that you should listen to him and ignore about how you feel about yourself. If you want to go off to the gym and spend all that time and energy making yourself skinny, then you should do it. So he really doesn't care at all what you eat? Hmm.

Anyway, bottom line is you need to be attractive for yourself, not to make your boyfriend happy. Not even for family members who might snicker behind your back or make comments at restaurants to the waiter after you've just ordered something with a lot of butter. You need to ignore all that because what's important is that you're happy with yourself. BUT, if your boyfriend really, REALLY wants you fat and you love him, then you might wanna just give into his demands a little bit. After all, relationships are about compromise and as long as your mother keeps her big trap shut, then you can both be happy.

You Asked,

Debby

Dear Debby,

Do you ever feel like maybe you're not qualified to give advice? At least Dr. Phil has a degree. I feel sorry for the people who listen to you.

Just curious in Portland

Dear Curious,

First of all, I have taken every single psychology course that my college provides and I've volunteered countless times to be part of clinical studies and focus groups. Though I admire Dr. Phil and find him somewhat attractive, just because he is on TV does not make him an expert on everything. As a young women, I have insights into things that Dr. Phil doesn't. I give practical advice based on my experience. And my experience tells me that you're a fat cow.

You Asked,

Debby

******

12.2.04

Dear Debby,

I think in order for you to be a more successful columnist you should leave out certain elements of your life, such as your chronic yeast infections, horrific dating experiences and your relationship with your sadistic mother. Don't you have anything positive in your life you can talk about? And try sticking to the point!

Amy Briarly, Chicago, IL

Dear Shut Your Ugly Piehole,

That's the dumbest question I've ever heard and it's not even a question. I share my good experiences as well as my bad ones because that's how people learn. Duh. I could tell you how successful I was at rughooking or hip hop dancing but how would that help you? I could tell you about my new boyfriend Enrique and how special he is and how much he really cares for me, but how would that help? In many ways you are just like my mother because you only focus on the bad stuff like my cellulite problem and meaty nose and refer to my boyfriend as "the imaginary boy from the carnival." I don't care what everyone says, Enrique might look like the guy from that Dungeons and Dragons dream I used to have, but he's very very real. Once his schedule permits, he will definitely come to my house and stay over for dinner and not leave right away. He'll say things like "I love your daughter and I want to spend the rest of my life with her."

You, on the other hand are a spiteful bitch who can't see that I'm trying to help people. And yeast infections are very common and are treatable if you detect them and that's why I mention it. I guarantee you that because of me, fewer people walk around with itchy, inflamed vaginas. If I can help just one person with an itchy, inflamed vagina, it will all be worth it.

You Asked,

Debby

Dear Debby,

My boyfriend said he wants to perform cunnilingus on me but I have no idea what this is. Should I be scared? It sounds scary.

Lisa Brady, 14
Twin Cities, MN

Lisa,

I have to admit, this does sound a bit scary. I want to be delicate because of your age, but cunnilingus involves a very special kind of kiss that a boy gives a girl. I've heard stories from several of my girlfriends about how absolutely wonderful it is, but I really don't think it's very common that guys do this, because when I've brought up the subject to my past boyfriends, they look really confused or shocked and some of them have told me they want to save it for a special day, like my birthday or Valentine's Day. Since I always seem to have fights with my boyfriends right before my birthday or Valentine's Day or other holidays involving dinner at my parent's house, it never happens. Tell you what, I'll let you know as soon as I know, okay? But if your boyfriend does do this to you before I get back to you, please send me an email as soon as possible. I'd really appreciate it. Don't forget.

******

Dear Debby,

I have a kinda problem I guess. I don't have trouble finding and dating girls, the problem I have is penis size. Things seem to go great till we start getting closer and start fooling around. After they get a look at it they say "there is no way I will let you put that in me," I was looking around trying to see if there was some kind of surgery that I could get to reduce size, and just be a normal guy. I see these web sites talking about making it bigger but nothing on making it smaller, please help!!!

P. Wilson

Dear Pee Pee (get it?? Hahaha!!!),

You have a rather unusual problem and it does sound kind of scary I guess. What you need to realize is that every person is physically different and just like you have a freakishly-sized penis, some other women might have weird physical attributes too, so you should remember that and not make fun of them.

As far as your problem, I've read many books on the subject and they all say that a woman's vagina is a very elastic-y organ and it was designed by God who knows that some men have enormous penises. I think that God knows what he's doing and and most men will fit just fine. I realize that sometimes it might be a little scary at first, so maybe if you are about to get romantic for the first time, you should just turn off the lights and then talk about how much you love and adore her. While she's distracted, WHAMMO! You might want to practice your aim, because otherwise it won't work and she might get angry.

You Asked,

Debby

Dear Debby,

I recently got married to a wonderful guy. The only problem I see is that he has friends that want to do nothing but drag him away from me to watch the game at a bar, or go out to eat, or go to parties. Yes, he does ask me to go with them sometimes, but I don't think he really wants me to ... I think he just asks so I won't get angry. Should I be concerned?

Mixed up in Michigan

Dear Mixed Up,

This is a good question. I think you need to count your blessings because getting married to a "wonderful guy" is something many women dream of. If he wants to hang out with his friends, that's normal and you should try to be supportive. Next time he wants to watch the game with the guys, you should make him a really yummy guacamole dip or finger sandwiches. This works great for many reasons. First, he will really appreciate it and his friends will be envious and say nice things about you instead of focusing on your negative qualities, as men often do when they don't know you're listening nearby. Also, if your man is as nice as you say and knows how hard you worked on preparing the snacks, he'll invite you eat them too. This is where using guilt and making pouty faces sometimes works (be careful not to overdo this because they could use it as a reason to break up with you).

I learned a long time ago that men would often rather hang out with their guy friends then with their girlfriends or wives. It only becomes a problem if it happens on special days like your birthday or Valentine's Day or your two week anniversary. Men get nervous around those holidays and you can't add to their stress by crying or begging. You need to stand tall and count your blessings and let him go play with his friends. Or you can always make really lousy snacks.

Debby

Dear Debby,

Are you still with that Enrique guy or what? I think you could do better. Also, is there any way you could send me a photo of you wearing those leg warmers. I'm not a pervert or anything but I'd love to see it.

Barry M of Missouri

Dear Barry M,

Yes, I am still with Enrique but we are having some problems we need to work through at this time. As you know, Enrique is part of the staff of the Renaissance Fair and he really needs to focus. He is performing as the mudman 3 days a week and then a backup jouster the other two. He's really excited about the jousting since that is a big promotion that almost never goes to mudmen. That means that he spends a lot of time with the other Renaissance Fair people and not me. Sometimes I get jealous because he is so close with the wenches from the show but then I realize how dedicated he is to his craft, and I feel better. Right now we are in couples therapy and it's going really well. Hopefully soon, Enrique will have the time to attend the sessions with me. But I usually tell him what I learned and he seems really interested in our growth.

As for your question about the leg warmers photos, no problem and thanks for asking!

Debby

* * * * *

Dear Debby,

Ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted to be either a singer or dancer but my parents aren't very supportive. They think it's immature and I should have more realistic goals. Is there anything I can do to convince my parents I can do it?

Jenna O.

Dear Jenna,

Everyone has dreams and they are so important! No matter what your parents or friends say, you need to ignore them and follow your dreams. I can't tell you how many times I've had a dream and then a family member said something to try to convince me I couldn't do it. Sometimes I wish I hadn't listened to my mother when she told me I "wasn't the ballerina type." Who knows what would have happened if I had kept taking lessons. Ballerinas come in all shapes and sizes and even though I was in the 3rd grade, my teacher said I was one of the best dancing tree trunks she had ever seen. My mom didn't understand my dream and during high school when I wanted to try out for the dance troupe, she cut large holes in my tights and leg warmers so I couldn't wear them. Unfortunately, I didn't see the holes until it was too late and I was really embarrassed when everyone started calling me "super hairy chick." I was even more mortified to see my mom in the audience videotaping the whole thing. I think she must have said something to the dance coach because I never made the troupe all four years.

Then, after I graduated, I was going to just pick up and move to New York to follow my dreams but my mom brought out the videotapes again and everyone in my family laughed at me. I cried and cried and threatened to run away but I was an adult at that point so it really wasn't the same. Also, because I was so upset, I had gained some water weight and my favorite purple tights and legwarmers didn't really fit so well. I still have them as a reminder to always follow my dreams and never give up. You shouldn't either!

Debby

* * * * *

Dear Debby,

I want to go farther with my boyfriend (if you know what I mean) but I'm a bit scared. What if he doesn't really love me?

Ruthie Hastings
Sarasota, FL

Dear Ruthie,

That's a GREAT question and I'm really glad you sent it because it's something I'm asked about all the time. The most important thing in a relationship is honesty and communication. So before you're about to "go farther" with your boyfriend you should ask how he feels about you. I know it's awkward sometimes because it can interrupt things but you'll feel much better knowing the truth. Hopefully, he will say wonderful things like he loves you and he only wants to go farther so he can show you how much he cares about you.

If he says he just wants to be friends or tells you to get the hell away from him then you at least know you have an honest friend. Maybe if you're lucky he'll snuggle with you on the couch as friends sometimes do. So don't be afraid to ask!

Debby

* * * * *

Dear Debby,

I'm a big fan of your column and wish you would update it more. I was wondering if there's been a problem since you haven't written in weeks

Sandy W.
Oakbrook, IL

Dear Sandy,

That's a very good question and I do appreciate your concern. A lot of people have written to me wondering if everything is okay. Everything is just fine, thank you very much! Though this is TOTALLY unrelated to why I've been away, I do I think it's appropriate to spend this week's column discussing an extremely common and very important condition called bipolar disorder with obsessive compulsive tendencies.

Since this is something I've heard affects lots and lots of young women I thought I would put my minor in psychology to good use. Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is something that affects thousands and thousands of people and It doesn't mean you're not smart or healthy or will never ever be in a healthy relationship with a man. It just means that you might have an inclination to obsess about small, meaningless things and not be able to stop until your boyfriend is so sick and tired of it he threatens to break up with you or destroy a beloved keepsake like a stuffed animal you might really really love. Of course, that only happens if your boyfriend is a selfish, insensitive asshole. If he's sweet and caring and compassionate like my boyfriend Enrique, then he would stand by the girl no matter how silly she may act -- even if she secretly follows him around in her car while he's supposed to be getting a haircut. And he certainly wouldn't threaten to sleep with a good friend, even if she works out a lot and doesn't have any cellulite.

Anyway, bipolar disorder with OCD tendencies can affect motivation and make everyone around you think you're lazy and just want to lay around the house watching television and not bathing very often. Mothers in particular, can be very judgmental and say horrible things about how no man would ever marry a smelly girl who doesn't get off the couch. This can cause horrible arguments but you must forgive her and understand that she's ignorant and doesn't know what she's saying. She might look at your friends and say stuff like "why can't you be more like them?" or "get off your fat ass and do something with your life." These are just examples.

Luckily, for the millions and millions of perfectly normal girls out there who suffer from bouts of bipolar disorder with OCD tendencies, you can seek help and get better! Eventually you can get back together with your boyfriend and beg his forgiveness, and not get too upset if he may have slept with a couple of your friends when he thought you were "on a break." When it comes to bipolar disorder with OCD tendencies, forgiveness is a must!

To finally answer your question Sandy, I've just been busy with my super full life. Having fun with my boyfriend, rughooking and watching a bit of daytime TV. Nothing to worry about. I'm a person who is in control of my own emotions so I am happy today. Thanks for asking!

Debby

* * * * *

Hiya Deb,

Some girls are so dumb, no matter how badly I treat them they just keep coming back for more. I'm not trying to be arrogant but I am considered very good looking and I know I can get almost any girl I want. What is wrong with girls? The worse I treat them the more they won't leave me alone.

I'm not sure why, but this letter really bothers me. Those girls must be really stupid to be suckered by a guy like you just because you're attractive. I can't believe girls would be that stupid but I guess they exist. Although...

Did you ever think that maybe a girl just saw a sensitive side to you? That maybe she looked at you and saw a diamond in the rough and just thought maybe she could change you into her knight in shining armor?

Instead of trying to figure out why girls are dumb, maybe you should try to figure out why you're such an evil bastard. Before you get intimate with a girl for the first time and she asks you if you love her, instead of saying "yeah baby," maybe you should tell her the truth. That you are just, you know, superattracted to her physically and would definitely be in a relationship with her but you have commitment issues and are still in love with a previous girlfriend. That way you could both cuddle instead and hopefully you'll get over your exgirlfriend and slowly fall in love with the new girl. That's just an example, of course.

Hey Debby,

This is Susan. You know -- Janine's friend. She told me I'd find you here. I hope you won't take this the wrong way but she asked me to tell you if you would stop calling her and leaving messages on her machine. I don't really want to get involved but I thought I'd pass on the message.

I'm not going to get angry and call you a meddling bitch, as that would be immature and unprofessional and I'm certainly not going to use my column to say things like Janine isn't really your friend and she talks about you all the time behind your back, because that would be indiscreet.

You can tell Janine that the only reason I leave messages on her answering machine is because she told me she wanted to be friends. Friends call each other and leave messages. They invite each other to parties and they talk about boys. It just so happens the reason I was trying to call her was to tell her about this fantastic party I was going to. It was the best party ever and there were a bunch of hot guys and even some celebrities. So her loss! HA HA!

As for you, I don't have anything against you. In fact, I think you and I have a lot in common. If you and I were friends, I guarantee I would never say things behind your back. I would never call you mean names or tell anyone about the sex videotape you made with Peter Broman that she made copies of and sells for $12.99 apiece on Ebay. It would be our secret!

I'm sorry, I really don't want to say anything bad about her, but I just want you to know that you can trust me and that Janine is a stupid bitch who can't keep her trap shut!

Dear Debby,

When is the right time to get married. I'm 31 and very successful careerwise but there are still no takers. Should I be worried?

The simple answer is YES. You're damn right you should be worried! Did you know that with every year after your 25th birthday, you produce fewer and fewer eggs? Did you also know that girls over thirty tend to be older-looking and tend to retain more water weight? It doesn't matter how much cold cream or Oil of Olay you put on at night, guys have a sixth sense about older women. It's very instinctual because they want a girl who is super fertile. I'm lucky, because even though I'm still young and youthful-looking, I've been told by many many people that I have perfect child bearing hips. Guys see my hips and instinctually know that I can have lots of babies without a problem.That's why I tend to wear cute shorts and skirts that accentuate my hips.

As for you, you need to accentuate other things like your career and money. Guys really like when a girl pays for dinner and buys expensive present for them after you have fights. If you are successful you can probably use that to your advantage. Don't overdo it though because you don't want to be taken advantage of -- or marry some golddigger, but a really good expensive present like a computer or Sony Playstation can extend your relationship even after he insists that it's over. That gives you a little time to figure out what went wrong in the first place and to try to correct it. Also, try to stay away from the "m" word for at least a month because it tends to scare men away. Instead, say things like, "I would never do kinky things in bed unless I was married. Then, watch out, I would be like a CRAZY animal." That should really get him curious.

Dear Debby,

I'm a 23 year old gay man. I am currently working in mortgages and really want to sleep with Nick Valensi from The Strokes and Orlando Bloom (Legolas in the Lord of the Rings movies) at the same time. My only problem is I am not sure if they are gay or not. How do I find out and perhaps make my fantasy come true?

Hard Times in Jersey

Dear Hard Times,

From what I understand, it's very difficult to tell if a man is actually gay until you get serious with them. If I had a nickel for every time a guy admitted he was gay right before we were going to be intimate for the first time -- or when it was time to move our relationship to the next level -- I would be a millionaire!

Unfortunately, most of my previous (gay) boyfriends are obviously too scared to admit it and I'm forced to drag it out of them after weeks of unreturned phone calls and letters. I usually run down the list of other possible problems first -- I might ask if they find me ugly or it bothers them if my nose is sort of meaty. If that's not it, I might ask if they are cheating on me with one of my friends or even a stranger. If they say no, I might then ask if it's the very SMALL amount of cellulite I have on my thighs and buttocks. Or if it's a problem with my personality or behavior. If they continue to say no after three or four more questions like this, I pretty much figure out that they're gay. But it's interesting because the moment I ask, they must feel like a weight has been lifted off them because they practically scream YES and keep repeating, "that's right, I'm gay" again and again.

Now, I have no idea if those celebrities are gay but you certainly have your work cut out for you. I would suggest first a letter writing campaign. This probably will take awhile since they're famous. If they ignore your letters, don't worry. Just find out where they do their dry cleaning or grocery shopping and hang around until they show up. Once you see them, you need to be brave and ask them politely if they would accompany you for dinner and dancing. If they turn you down or ignore you, then you can pull out your (pre-prepared) list of questions just like mine. You'd be surprised how candid people are when you ask the right questions.

Or just wink a lot when you're buying cucumbers or bananas. That should work too.

Last year my boyfriend broke up with me on Valentine's Day. I'm just starting to get over him, but I'm having trouble forgiving him. Now,it's almost Valentine's Day again. He wants to be friends. Can I forgive him? What should I do?

That's a tough one. It's hard to forgive and forget when guys treat us so badly. My first high school boyfriend dated me for 2 weeks and then had the nerve to dump me on my birthday. To make matters worse, he told his new girlfriend, Kelly and everyone else in biology class that I had given him chlamydia! He tried to make me feel better by telling me that negative attention was better than no attention at all, but I'm not a total idiot. I tried to set the record straight by running for class treasurer to expose the truth, but I was disqualified before the election because of my campaign slogan: "Debby for Treasurer, She Doesn't Have Chlamydia." Then, after the campaign, people began referring to me as "chlamyidious," ( a combination of chlamydia and hideous). Thankfully, that only lasted a few months. I have to admit, it was sort of cool having a nickname, but I'd rather have one like Deb or maybe DeeDee.

As far as your situation, I would demand that giant box of heart-shaped chocolates he deprived you of last Valentine's Day. Then, at least the next time someone dumps you, you'll have a box full of yummy memories.

Dear Debby,

There's a guy I really like a lot but he's my English Lit professor. He seems to be flirting with me but I'm not sure and I don't want to make an ass of myself if I'm wrong. How do I find out if he's interested?

Alice B.
University of Texas, Austin

Dear Alice,

Actually, I had a crush on my one of my high school teachers, Mr. Lobianco and I used to leave anonymous love notes on his desk. If you leave notes for your professor, make sure you write at the end of it please DO NOT read in front of the class. This is REALLY important. When Mr. Lobianco discovered my feelings for him, he was very flattered and understanding and explained that there were dozens of reasons he could never love me in addition to my age. I found out later he was having an affair with Ginny Kramer who rode the short bus to school and had spittle in the corners of her mouth. The point is you should be really careful about getting involved with an older man especially if he’s your teacher. Also, I've learned from experience that no matter how cute English professors are, they always turn out to be gay. It really stinks too because I've ALWAYS been turned on by sweatervests or those sport jackets with the cute patches on the elbows, which I'm told are there to prevent rug burn. Yuch!

You Asked,

Dear Debby,

Where are good places to meet men? I won't go to bars and am really tired of internet dating. I have tried dating services, singles events, etc. Any ideas? Thanks for writing me. Looking for love!

I've always said that the best places to meet men are in places where you have similar interests. Unfortunately, unless you're a skanky Nascar watching, pool-shooting beer slut, it's hard to find good men. Sometimes I go out of my way to try out new hobbies or places where I know men congregate. I even joined a gym last year and wore my brand new workout clothes hoping to meet a big strong athletic man who was impressed that I can do so many leglifts in a row. Note to newbies: Always towel off the bench of the workout machines after you use them, especially if you have hyperactive glands which, though perfectly normal, still cause you to sweat more than the average girl. This is really a key issue. Also, leave your leg warmers at home, even if they have a really pretty winter design which you knitted yourself. These are very out of style apparently. Same with headbands with your name on them. It's so annoying being trendy!

I know what a lot of you readers are saying -- that you don't hang out in bars or hockey games or poolhalls, but that's okay. There are lots of men out there with similar interests, I promise. If you want to know my secret place, you need to look no further than my current boyfriend Enrique, whom I met last summer at the Renaissance Fair. That's right, the Renaissance Fair is the absolute BEST place to meet the quality kinds of men you won't find at the gym or outside the adult bookstore. It's my secret place but because there are Renaissance Fairs in towns all across America, the odds are you won't show up at mine and try to steal my boyfriend. You probably wouldn't recognize him anyway because he plays the mudman on Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays, but he answers to Enrique... or mudman, but just know HE'S TAKEN, so hands off, bitch! (I'm kidding) But seriously, we're in a committed relationship so leave him alone. Thanks.

If the Renaissance Fair doesn't work, try the bus station or outside the adult bookstore. Both are good places without much competition. But wait outside and pretend like you're looking for directions or just lost your contact lens or you'll come off as too desperate and you may scare them off. Then kind of bat your lashes at them while you're squinting and pawing at the ground searching. Men love that! Hope these tips help you to become as lucky as I am!

This is a silly question that I shouldn't even bother answering but I will anyway. Anything German or foreign. Or cute. Or has a cute name or color. Or is sexy and fast. Like a Saturn.

Personally, I don't look at superficial things like what kind of car my boyfriend drives anyway. He happens to drive a Buick station wagon, which on the surface might not be sexy and attractive, but it's got plenty of room to hold his juggling equipment as well as his laundry. Sometimes it's even sexier when your boyfriend drives an inexpensive car because you know that he's working really hard at his job and he's probably using up all that extra money for a brand new engagement ring!

As for picking up girls, I think you need to understand that the kinds of skank ho's you get with a super expensive car are not really the kinds of girls you want anyway. You want someone who will appreciate you for who you are inside, not because of some big fancy expensive car. Some of my friends might disagree, but they're skank ho's and are just looking for guys with giant penises anyway. Some women never learn.

Dear Debby,

There's this girl at school that I really like, we have good communication between each other, but there's one problem. I'm not sure how to approach her and ask her if she likes me without sounding stupid. Help me out her name is Tessa.

Troubled in Tacoma

This is a question I've often been asked and so I'll finally answer it here. A lot of times guys are interested in girls at school but are afraid to approach them because they don't want to be humiliated. This is perfectly normal and it happens to girls too. When I was in school there was this boy named Billy Skundin that I liked a whole lot. I wanted so badly to ask him to a school dance but I was afraid he would laugh at me since I was a bit heavier back then and unfortunately I was known as "the girl who had shingles" and was out of school for six months. So I finally summoned up the courage to ask him to the dance and even though he laughed at me a little, he told me he would really like to go to the dance with me. Anyway, to make a long story short, Billy liked to spit a lot (as boys often do) and a big glob accidentally hit me in the face while I was telling him my feelings. Unfortunately, he must have been sick because I got mono soon afterwards and couldn't go to the dance with him. I missed the next 3 months of school and by that time, he was dating my former friend Andrea.

The point is that he actually did like me and I didn't wait around for him to ask me out. In your case, don't ask the girl if she likes you -- tell her how YOU feel! Get it? And don't spit on her or invite her to your hottub or ask her if she's ever done a three-way. The answer is always no -- unless she's a skank-ho like my former friend Andrea.

Dear Debby,

First of all, I just want to let you know that I love reading your column. Okay, my problem: There is something that I want to talk to my mom about but it's REALLY embarrassing. I think that she'll think I'm absurd. I know this is really vague because I'm not even describing the situation, but what do you do when you want to talk to your mom about something embarrassing? What are some good approaches? Thanks in advance!

I consider myself an expert in mother-daughter relationships so here's my advice: Your mother is there for you and despite the insulting things she might say to you when she's angry, she does it because she loves you and doesn't want you to end up alone. You can tell your mother anything! My mom and I used to have secrets, but then one day she read my diary behind my back. We got in this big fight and she screamed at me and called me "a dirty whore," but after that we finally got everything out in the open. Now I tell her everything and she no longer wants to read my diary even if I leave it open on my bed. Sometimes I even tell her the intimate details about my boyfriend Enrique, even though we still haven't "done it" yet. My mother always has good advice even though some of it is gross and I would never do those things --unless I was married and he showered really well beforehand.

Anyway, the point is that until you start opening up to your mother, you're not going to know what "teabagging" is or why you should avoid it.

Hi everyone! Sorry I've been gone for so long. I had a little fight with my boyfriend Enrique and we broke up for a little while and I was too depressed to write anything here or answer questions from readers. After a few weeks of tears and depression and throwing rocks through windows (his) we finally got back together after he understood that there were certain sexual things I wasn't willing to do until I have that ring on my finger. Unfortunately, he said some rather nasty things to me during a big fight that I had a hard time forgiviing -- he actually called me a stupid fatass and I should be lucky to have him! I was so mad at him but my mom convinced me to forgive him because there were certain things that men require sexually and if I didn't do them, he would probably find someone who did. My mother was very understanding during this period and we've become much closer now that Enrique has taken me back. We still haven't done that sexual thing yet because when I tried to do it I accidentally vomited just the tiniest bit. I told him that I had bad Thai food for dinner otherwise I think he would have broken up with me again. The best news is that he took back his comment about me being a stupid fatass. He said he was just angry and promised me that the next time he felt like calling me a nasty name, he would just keep it inside.

The only downside to all of this was that it all happened during Christmas and New Year's so he didn't participate in all the fun activities my family does during all the holidays and I never got a Christmas present, even though I still bought him a new $400 Ipod. He did tell me that he wanted to buy me a beautiful new designer dress that cost $500 but since we were broken up, he thought I would just get mad. I think it was super sweet of him to think about buying me such an expensive Christmas present. I can't wait until Valentine's Day!!

Dear Debby,

My girlfriend and I have been going out for about ten months now, and we have been best friend for about four years. We love each other very much, unfortunately though we are not able to have sex because she has an unusually thick hymen that can only be broken by a surgical procedure. Normally a girl would have this procedure as soon as possible but the problem is that we are both in high school and her parents don't see the need for her to have the operation. I DO. So does she. I don't know what to do. I want to stay with her but I also want to have sex really bad. Am I an asshole for considering ending the relationship for other girls? This probably seems like a weird question to you. I feel weird for asking you.

Some Guy,
Some Place

Yes, I think you are an asshole for considering ending a relationship with a girl you love very much. Just because a girl has a enormous hymen and can't have sex is no reason to dump her. You need to be patient and wait until she's ready to have the procedure. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked to surgically alter a part of my body or my face and I would NEVER do it. Even when my mom makes comments about the back of my thighs or my meaty nose, I ignore it. If men won't like me as much, then I'll find a nice guy who will. Like my current boyfriend Enrique who happens to be the one not quite ready for sex but he says he will be soon (it will be magical). And you don't see me breaking up with him do you??

Sex is something super special that should be saved for a time when it's right for both of you. I certainly hope you're not considering just jabbing it in real fast when she's not expecting it -- that trick never works no matter how much they tell you it's just like getting a shot at the doctor's office when he distracts you so you won't see him jam the needle in your arm. Plus, it sounds like her hymen is gigantic and might not work. I can't tell you how many times some guy has tried to do the "blind jab" in the dark which ends up being painful and embarrassing for the both of us because trust me, they always miss--especially when you're wearing underwear, which they never seem to even notice.

I was surfing and saw your advice deal. I'm a single Mom with a 19 month old daughter. Should she be part of my introduction to new dates or when is a good time to tell them about her?

I always say that it's important to be honest with someone you are interested in from the very beginning. That way, there are no surprises and disappointments. I know it's not the same thing, but sometimes when I'm dating a new guy, I let the guy know if I happen to have a yeast infection at the time, even though I explain that we won''t be having sex anyway until we get to know each other better. By then, hopefully, the yeast infection will have cleared up or he can wait until it does. Having a great relationship is all about honesty. I find that talking about awkward female things like yeast infections shows him that I'm honest and open and the reason for my itching is perfectly normal.

So as far as your toddler, I think the time is right at the very beginning even if it's uncomfortable and you're not sure who the father is. Men like nurturers and I think if he's a nice guy he will appreciate that you've given the gift of life even though you did it with someone else and he may be thinking that you are saggy and have lots of stretch marks under your clothes. Also, make sure to tell him that you're taking extra time out of your busy schedule to see him and you've had to spend all that money on a babysitter just so you can be alone. That way, he will feel a little bit guilty and maybe treat you better and not make you pay for everything.

On a sidenote, if you don't know who the father of your child is, tell your date that it's someone richer and better looking than he is. Like Robert DeNiro or someone like that. Men will probably be nicer if they think you are taking care of Robert DeNiro's baby then just your plain old regular fatherless baby.

I've only been married for 5 months and last night I found an condom in my husband's pant pocket and when i confronted him about it he said he didn't know how it got there. Please help what should i do?

Gosh, I'm not a detective but that looks pretty bad. I know that men like to carry condoms in their wallets to be prepared for emergencies but obviously if you're married, that shouldn't be the case. I know the first impulse is to scream at him and accuse him of cheating but the important thing is to remember that he's your husband and he may just want to use condoms with you to prevent pregnancy or diseases. Although I suppose that doesn't explain his bad excuse. One time I found a bunch of condom wrappers at my ex-boyfriend's house when I was digging through the garbage and he told me some crazy story about how he was bulgarized and the robbers left the condoms there. I was so angry because the burglars also stole my purse. He finally admitted he had been sleeping with one of my friends and needed money from my purse to buy her gifts. At first I screamed at him and started shaking and vomiting, but we were in church so I had to bite my lip and finish the hymn. Later he explained to me that the reason he was having sex was because he was a man and he had needs. I felt terrible but since we just met at a party the week before, I just wasn't ready. We got in this huge fight and then he slept with another one of my friends. Finally, I decided to sleep with him so he wouldn't feel the need to sleep with my friends. I bought a brand new new nightie and even wore the rootbeer flavored lip gloss-- which I only break out for special occassions since they don't make it anymore. To make a long story short, we started kissing and doing some heavy petting and then suddenly he said he can't make love to me because he didn't have any condoms. I told him I had some that I got from the free clinic when I had my yeast infection, but when I got back, he was gone.

So the point is it's important to always have condoms nearby and your husband is probably sleeping with your friends.

Hi Everyone, I'm back from summer vacation! I know it's already October but I needed to unwind a little before I got down to business of giving out advice.Otherwise I would be a little more cranky than normal and you wouldn't like that now would you? I posted a picture of me all dolled up at the library. Did you know it's an awesome place to meet men? But not quite as good as the Renaissance Fair, which is where I met...drum roll please...Enrique! That's friggin' right, my new boyfriend! What do you have to say about that one? All those letters trying to tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about and I got myself a real man! Ha Ha Ha! Screw you!

Sorry about that. Anyway, for those of you who read my column and don't write nasty, hateful letters, I will tell you just how I met my knight in shining armor. At the beginning of the summer I got in a terrible fight with my mother. I came home one day and there were like 10 messages on my answering machine from that TV show "Extreme Makeover." My mom got the entire family and all her friends to start a letter writing campaign where they told the producers I needed liposuction, new breasts, a chin implant, rhinoplasty and a labial reduction (whatever the hell that is). Anyway, I was like, "what the @#$@#?" My whole life my mother told me that I was special and that my meaty nose meant I was smart and my wide hips were absolutely perfect for child bearing. Now, all the sudden, I find out that she thinks I'm some sort of freak!

Anyway, I was so mad that I stormed out of the house and was going to never come back. I was walking on the highway in the baking sun for hours trying to hitch a ride but nobody stopped. Finally, I did a sexy pose like I see in the movies sometimes and someone finally screeched to a halt. After he apologized for throwing trash on me, he got out and it was love at first sight. His name is Enrique and he's a regular performer at the Renaissance Fair just off Highway 88. He saw that I was all hot and dehydrated and so I sat in the back of the truck because I was all sweaty and he didn't want to ruin his seats. But through the window he handed me a giant turkey leg he brought home from the fair. We nibbled on it together just like in the that movie with the dog and the meatballs. It was so adorable. And then I threw up because I hadn't had any solid food in a while. Anyway, he brought me to the Renaissance fair and and hosed me down and we've been together ever since!
Our summer at the Renaissance Fair was absolutely magical. At first I was a little upset when I didn't get the job as the princess but I realized it was much more fun to work at the wench booth, because I really got to work on my acting. Enrique played a handsome knight of the roundtable, although sometimes he was that guy covered in mud. But either way we were in love! Every day I would run over to the jousting matches to watch him perform and every night he would come over to the wench booth and see me doing all kinds of wench stuff!

Now, I know you want to hear all the juicy gossipy stuff, but I really need to keep the private stuff private. I will tell you that we haven't had sex yet. I am a little disappointed about that one but I realize he is very traditional and wants to save it for marriage. We did get really really close to doing it one time and then he suddenly screamed, "get it off me!" I was a little shocked and hurt when he pushed me away, but at least I know he respects me. He calls me Princess and I call him my Prince. Or I call him Mudman. Depending on which day of the week it is.

Anyway,, you've heard enough of me babbling. I would like to say thanks to Scott for allowing me to have my job back. Now, finally, back to the advice!

Dear Debby,

I really don't have a question it's more a comment, You really should look into getting that hair cut or something done to it, it looks horrible, it is not natural curl it's called natural fuzz and no celebrity would pay big bucks to look like a cottonball head, so don't kid yourself and get something done with it.

Beck

Have you ever read the book, "I'm OK, You're OK"? Well, just about every therapist I know has it on their bookshelf and there's plenty of reasons why. It's obvious the snide remarks about my hair is just a random lashing out -- I've been doing this column long enough to not fall into your trap of getting angry and upset and calling you an ignorant bitch. I'm going to take a deep breath and try to really listen to the underlying message of pain and insecurity in your note. Perhaps the pain of a childhood where your parents were overbearing and critical of every aspect of your life? Well believe it or not, I know what that's like! Sometimes I have to stop myself from making fun of others, no matter how superior I feel. For example, there's this girl in my rug hooking class who has major B.O. and her rugs are super ugly, but instead of insulting her, I say things like, "I bet you could sell a million of those!" and I hold my nose when I'm around her. See, that makes both of us feel better.

By the way, I do want to briefly mention that my hair is naturally curly and I've been told by plenty of hairdressers that celebrities pay a lot for what God has given me free of charge. It doesn't matter but I just wanted to tell you that.

Anyway, all of us have our faults and we need to realize that it's okay that some people have different hairdos or meaty noses or their thighs make funny noises when they walk. It's what makes all of us individuals and we need to respect and love each other. Also, I do want to quickly mention that my "natural fuzz" as you call it has gotten me plenty of interest from very attractive and successful men. If you'd been paying attention to my column you may have read all the notes from guys HITTING ON ME AND MY HAIR. People sometimes even get mad at me for wearing a baseball hat because it covers up the curls. Just FYI you jealous whore.

I sincerely believe you are just reaching out to me because you know deep in your heart that I, more than most, can understand where you are coming from. And I know in my heart this has nothing to do with my hair. It's about needing love and acceptance and a few words of encouragement. So I apologize for the "whore" remark.

If you don't mind could you please write me back and just let me know if I'm on the right track or if you really meant that stuff about my hair. I would really appreciate it.

I have never read the book,”I’m OK, You’re OK”. Those remarks had nothing to do with what’s going on in my life, I really just think you need a hairdo. My up bringing was awesome, I love my parents, I’ve had a great life and it just keeps getting better. I will be married next year and probably have a baby in a couple of years, I love my job, I have a wonderful sister and a great brother in law, so me talking about your hair has nothing to do with the way I feel, I have great self esteem and I also have naturally curly hair that celebrities would pay big bucks for, you don’t, and I am not a whore, I have a fiancé who loves me very much and loves tomake me happy, so I am sorry if you can’t except the truth that you are ugly.

Well, well, well, don’t you think you just have the perfect life? Just because some guy gave you that 1/3 carat diamondelle that he got for $19.95 on QVC doesn’t mean he’s actually going to marry you! And people say I’m naïve! I showed your letter to my mother (who, by the way, also thinks you are a totally conceited skank-whore) and she said that men only “get engaged” so they can have SEX whenever they want. They never actually marry the girl they are “engaged” to! She said that they make a big deal out of giving a girl a ring and letting her think they are going to get married so they can have all the skanky sex they want and then two weeks before the wedding they leave town with the maid of honor and all the wedding gifts. Haven’t you ever heard the expression, “He’ll never buy the cow if he can get the milk for free”??

And what did your “fiancé” get you for Valentine’s Day, huh? Oh…nothing…? That’s too bad. Well maybe he’ll get you a belated gift if you threaten to stop having sex with him. If he does, I hope he gets you a rope because you are going to need it to hang yourself when you find out you are pregnant with his bastard child and he has flown the coup for the Bahamas with the NICE girl he met while he was pumping quarters in the gumball machine, trying to get your ring out!

As for my hair, I think you are getting totally obsessive about this. Did you ever see “Single White Female”? You remind me of the crazy girl who cuts her hair like Bridget Fonda and kills the puppy only I don’t have red hair and I prefer cats. Please seek professional help.

Dear Debby,

Thanks for answering my question regarding how to strengthen my pimp hand! Now, the real question is will you out with me sometime? I have this little obsession with "meaty" noses and I was wondering if you might be willing to be my girlfriend? I love your hat too!

Steven :)

Good to hear from you again, Steven. Some people might think I'm responding to your letter because I want to prove a point to readers and my mother that I do get asked out, but I answer these letters randomly and it just happens to be a wonderful coincidence.

I do appreciate your nice letter and I'm glad someone likes my hat. Just this morning my mother was telling me that she thinks my "thinking cap" is stupid and makes me look sort of man-ish and I told her to mind her own f***ing business. Of course, then she got really mad and threw my cap in the toilet. We had a huge fight and she accused me of being a lesbian and then told me (again) how she almost died in labor when I was born because I was so fat. After a couple of days, we finally made up and she even fished my cap out of the toilet and rinsed it off good as new.

At any rate, this has nothing to do with me turning you down for a date. But like I've said before, I have to maintain a professional distance with my readers.

P.S. - If readers DO decide to send me anything, make sure to sign the card, "FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND WHO LOVES YOU AND KNOWS YOU'RE NOT A LESBIAN." I know this seems silly but my mother is really nosy and I think this will help.

I have been married to my lovely wife for 3 years. Since we've been married, money has always been an issue. She likes to spend, I want to save. When it's time to pay the bills, we have the same discussion about our money situation. Right now we owe $78,493 to the credit card company! How can I get her to see things my way and save our money and our marriage!

Steve
Michigan

Dear Steve,

I'm flattered that you trust me giving marital advice. Obviously you have recognized my keen insight into women and how they think. I will try not to let you down. First of all, here is what you and the rest of men don't know about women: mostly everything. You see, we are the nest featherers, you are the hunters; we are the nurturers, you are the bowlers; we are the have-lunch-with girlfriends-and-then-get-our-nails-doners and you are the overachieving-workaholic-heart-attack-complaining-about-sex-getters. And furthermore****

-- Okay, this is a bit embarrassing. I just found out my mother was messing around on my computer this morning and wrote that top part. I can't believe she did that and I totally apologize! Don't worry, I explained to her that this isn't like my diary where she can just break the lock and read my innermost thoughts and then play tricks on me like saying that she ran into Greg Hopkins at the grocery store and he wants to ask me out -- when she just read that I was having recurring dreams about him the week before. Even though I'm sooo mad, I am an adult and I will try not to let her behavior affect my answer to your serious question. This column may seem silly but it's a great responsibility and I don't need that bitch going through my stuff. Oops. My mom is looking over my shoulder and laughing right now. Hang on...

I'm back. Sorry again. I had a huge fight with my mom for the second time today but I think everything is okay now. She apologized and said I could wear her new cashmere sweater tomorrow at work, even though she's worried I will stretch it out -- which I won't! Anyway, my mom agreed to keep her meaty nose out of my computer if I give you HER advice.

She says you are cheap and need to get a better job if you can't support her needs on your current salary.

I want you to know I think this is WRONG!!!!! I've dated plenty of struggling actors and computer programmers with a lot of big dreams, but very little money. I understood that, so I didn't mind paying for all the dinners and movies and helping them with their rent and utilities and medical bills when they were broke and eventually got fired from their jobs. I learned that there are lots of inexpensive things you can do to save money and still have a blast. Renting a movie only costs $4 at Blockbuster and cuddling on the couch is always free. Dinner at Bennigan's is always fun and inexpensive -- especially if you share a dinner and maybe eat off each other's plate. This has the added benefit of being romantic. I recommend the chimi changa's, although I'm not sure I've spelled it correctly. YUM!

Also, I spend many days during the summer at the public swimming pool which costs almost nothing, and other than the minor bacterial infection I got, it is otherwise just like spending a day at a resort. I know that because I saw the pictures from my ex-boyfriend's trip to Club Med and the pool looked exactly the same. The point is she needs to stop the all the spending and expensive vacations and instead learn to appreciate the cheap, inexpensive things, like taking a walk or playing a game at home like Boggle or Pictionary. Hang on a sec, that's the phone.

YOU CHEAP BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Debby,

I'm in my late 20's and I often find myself attracted to younger men. My parents and friends tease me and call me a pedophile but I don't care. I just go for whoever I'm attracted to. Does age really matter?

Susan T,

Tempe, AZ

This is a great question. Age doesn't matter at all. I've dated plenty of younger men and I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. Younger men appreciate older women because they are interesting and have lots of experience in life and all that stuff. One time I met this really nice guy outside a convenient store who seemed a lot younger than me. He was super good-looking and came right up to me and said that he liked my hat. I, of course, told him it was my "thinking cap" and he thought that was totally cool. When he asked me if I wanted a back massage a few minutes later I knew for certain he was flirting with me. He was totally astonished that I was still single. He couldn't believe a hot girl like me (his exact words) didn't have a boyfriend. Then he invited me to a big party he was throwing with his friends and asked if I would be his date. Since I was just going to spend the night watching the first season of Dawson's Creek on DVD, I decided what the heck. Unfortunately, he suddenly realized he couldn't find his cash or his ID, and he would be in big trouble because it was his job to buy all the alcohol and food for the party. I totally offered to pay for everything because I know ho much it sucks to lose your wallet.

So we showed up to his party and I ended up being the only girl there! At first, I was a bit nervous but everyone was really nice and they all wanted to talk to me even though I was much older then them. They all said how much they love older women and how shocked they were that I was single. They treated me like a queen and were attentive to my every need. Everytime I turned around someone had made a drink for me, which I thought was very gentlemanly. Guys my age never do that!

Anyway, I had a little too much to drink and they were very responsible and insisted that I take a nap and not drive until I was more sober. That was probably a good idea because I barely remember anything from that night. All I remember was waking up the next morning in the middle of the driveway. The guy who brought me to the party saw me and explained that I must have been sleepwalking and stumbled outside. That was sooo embarrassing. I was worried that he wouldn't ask me out after that, but he said he didn't care, and after we found my pants, he was nice enough to give me directions back to my car.

To make a long story short, those guys called me whenever they would have a party and even made me the chairperson of the food and alcohol committee. I learned many things from that experience but most of all I realized how nice it is to be put on a pedestal by younger guys who will listen to all of your stories and even mix you drinks that barely taste like there's any alcohol in them at all.

Dear Debby,

I was wondering how you feel about homosexuality? I noticed the website was poking fun at Clay Aiken last week. I realize that you don't always agree with your editors so I was wondering how you feel about gay people and if you have any gay friends?

I absolutely love gay people and I've been searching for a gay best friend for years. One of my favorite TV shows is "Will and Grace" and I can't tell you how long I've wanted a gay best friend just like Will. He's so funny! Sometimes when I watch it, I pretend that I'm Grace and and Will is actually my roommate and then one day he sees me and suddenly decides that he doesn't want to be gay anymore. That's like one of my biggest fantasies.

It's really strange but I guess I'm sort of a gay magnet because a ton of guys I've dated end up telling me that they're gay right before we're alone together for the first time and it's the perfect opportunity to have that exciting first makeout session. I have to admit, it can be a little disappointing. The thing about gay people to understand is no matter how nice your new bra is (Jaclyn Smith Collection) or what flavor lip gloss you are wearing (root beer), they are just not interested in hooking up. Apparently they're not interested in just watching a movie or cuddling on the couch either. That part was a bit surprising. Gay people are apparently very concerned about getting up early for work.

Anyway, the most important thing is to educate small minded people that gay people are exactly like you or me except they are a genetic aberration. My mother constantly makes snide remarks accusing me of being a lesbian, even though I'm not. This all started