Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth managed early in 2004 to set the bar high for ruthless, backstabbing TV opportunists. While Omarosa may be just a blip on the radar screen of shrew-like reality show quasi-celebs, the first season Apprentice star still managed to alienate most of America in a stunning display of delusion meets evil meets brazen laziness. After her Norma Desmond-inspired media junket following her brutal removal from from The Don's boardroom, this business woman/pageant model/actress/political appointee (read:unpaid intern with fake tits) also enjoys, according to her own bio, "working as an image consultant." I swear we're not making this stuff up. Flashing her pearly whites to Katie Couric, she spoke of television offers, a new clothing line and maybe even a movie career. It's nearly 2005 and we're still afraid. But not nearly as afraid as her husband.

24. People Who Drive Hybrid Cars And Won't Shut Up About It

Okay, you drive a fuel efficient car that runs on electricity and gas in some kind of horrible Earth-friendly compromise that makes no sense to anyone. Fine. See if we care. But can't you just shut up about it? To all the vegetable-eating, do-gooders driving them, the idea of a hybrid isn't new. The moped was the first actual hybrid, using a combination of footpower and a gas engine. At least with a moped you can still look like a big homo without spending all the cash and annoying your family and friends. Sure, we all want to get off the Arab oil nipple, but can't they design something that doesn't scream "I'm an assclown." Even John Kerry drives a Land Rover. Outspoken hybrid drivers rank at #24.

23. Conservative, Middle-Aged Talk Show Hosts with Horrifying Sexual Proclivities

Bill O'Reilly has a big mouth. He has an even bigger penis, if you believe what he repeatedly told former "O'Reilly Factor" producer Andrea Mackris between tales of happy endings with Vietnamese masseuses, Thai sex shows and the shock when foreign-born cleaning ladies realize he's not hiding a stack of ones under his towel. Look, we understand that outspoken, middle-aged television millionaires like O'Reilly can debate vibrators, oral sex and masturbation in much the same way they debate the war in Iraq or whether or not Jon Stewart and his "audience of dope-smoking burnouts" can possibly thrill a woman like he can, but gross is gross and Mackris deserved whatever money she got. Conservative America needs a new voice and the rest of us need a long, hot, collective shower.

22. Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil McGraw has a hot wife. He's got two well-adjusted sons, plays in charity tennis tournaments and gives pragmatic advice to hateful couples, wifebeaters and sociopaths who he exploits for 12 minute segments before they're sent back to the trailer park to find their "authentic self." By "authentic self," we mean "big fat loser." Now, in the second season of his own show sans Oprah, multiple self-help books and a gazillion dollars, no amount of witty, down-home Philisms are going to get these people to stop banging the married chick in the next doublewide. So why would we want to ethnically cleanse a guy that seems to want to help average schlubs who can't afford real therapy? We resent anyone who is happy, content, smart and rich. You can just imagine him on the sidelines of his kids soccer games. Nobody should have a father that loving and supportive. So when he says, "how's that working for you?" or "it's time to get real," it makes us want to ram that tennis racket up his keester. There's a Philism in there somewhere. Dr. Phil ranks a respectable #22.

 21. Star Jones/Women of "The View"

The once enticing soccer mom/MILF fantasy of cohost Meredith Viera has since been overshadowed by a solar eclipse-size wake left by Star Jones and the rest of the women of "The View." Dino-journalist Barbara Walters blushes as her younger contemporaries (now that's funny) spend each morning pondering life and their [sexually active] place in it. Faking illness and staying home from work or school used to mean a happy, stressfree day of Barnaby Jones reruns, Judge Judy and rampant masturbation. Now it means a window into the world of how middle-aged dunces talk when there are no men around. The only thing worse is a frank discussion of Star Jones' wedding and honeymoon. There are not enough meds to dull the pain.

CONTINUE READING #25-21,   #20-16,   #15 - 11,   #10 - 6,   #5 - 1

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