Scientology boasts celebs like Tom Cruise, Kirstie Alley and John Travolta, but Kabbalists have Madonna, Britney, Demi, Ashton, Paris and Lindsay Lohan. That's an asskicking if I've ever seen one. Many argue that Kabballah isn't really a cult, it's basically advanced-level Judaism, reserved for older male students who actually took Judaism 101 and didn't just jump right into graduate school just so they can hang out in the faculty lounge and sleep with the professor. While Kabbalah may simply be for Christians who aren't satisfied with all the "fun holidays" and must now get the big Bar Mitzvah party they never had when they were 13, others are just doing it to piss off the Arabs. For those interested in Kabbalah but want to avoid all that pesky studying and adherence to religious rules, you can spend $50 for a Kabbalah kit, replete with red string to ward off the "Evil Eye." Everyone hates the dreaded Evil Eye, a.k.a., the look people give you when they realize you've just spent $50 on a red string. We at BFA have our own Kabbalah kit: Mix one part Madonna, two parts Lindsay Lohan (the good parts), then add cream of Ashton Kutcher. Grow beard and move to Israel. They'll make fun of you there too.

19. The F.C.C./Nipple Ornament Wearers (tie)

It's so hard to decide who is worse, an overzealous FCC led by Colin Powell's son Michael or the slightly-less-freaky-than-Michael, nipple- adorned pop star Janet Jackson. Therefore, we rule it a draw. It's hard to remember the days when nipple ornamentation was once a back alley practice nobody spoke of until the fateful day in early 2004 when Superbowl family fun included a "wardrobe malfunction" and nipple decoration sales skyrocketed -- especially among the middle school set. Try as they might, the F.C.C can't legislate morality but it can slap a big fine against anyone who displays their metallic mammaries or even broadcasts an unedited version of "Saving Private Ryan," with all the cursing, cigarette smoking and dying. Thank God there were no nipple ornaments on Omaha Beach. Or were there? The FCC and nipple decorators are ranked at #19.

 18. People Who Insist They Can Multitask

For those who think simple multitasking is effortless, just get behind a female driver on the highway as she applies her makeup and shifts lanes to the exact cadence of her argument with her boyfriend on the cell phone. People just can't multitask no matter how many times they type it on their resume (read: women can't drive and do anything else simultaneously). For those who will scream gender discrimination, just remember that Brady Bunch episode where Marcia and Greg battled it out on who was a better driver. Okay, Marcia won, but that was a shitty, poorly-written television show created in the days before cell phones, when women only drove to get groceries. Fuck women's lib. Car phone gabbers rank at #18.

17. Beer Throwing Sports Fans

Last year it was Cubs fan Steve Bartman, this year it's "regular guy" John Green who single-handedly initiated one of professional sports greatest -- I mean most obscene-- brawls. We will all pretend how outraged we were when they were beating the crap out of each other and we watched it on TiVo again and again to our delight -- I mean disdain. In the end, there were five suspensions and Pacer Ron Artest is out for the season. Turns out that John Green has a lengthy police record including four DUI's, and some kind of anger management issue. How else would you explain tossing a $9 beer at a total stranger. This wackjob gets more unwanted but totally deserved exposure on our list.

16. Liza Minnelli/Michael Jackson (tie)

Best buddies and freakshow partners Liza Minnelli and Michael Jackson are tied on our current list. Both suffered yet another tabloid-filled year of sexual depravity, delusions of grandeur and annoying haircuts. Both are involved in lawsuits, where we will eventually be forced to hear the sickening minutae of their sex lives. Michael spent 2004 hiding stashes of Blue Boy magazines and giving DNA samples, while Liza battled a lawsuit brought forth by her equally crazed milquetoast ex-husband David Gest as well as a brand new lawsuit filed by her former driver/body guard, who claimed he was forced to sleep with Minnelli repeatedly in order to keep his job. There is no job worth that kind of degradation. Let's hope in both cases, the lights were turned off. Liza and Michael are tied at #16.

CONTINUE READING #25-21,   #20-16,   #15 - 11,   #10 - 6,   #5 - 1

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