10. Freakishly Smart and Completely Uninteresting Game Show Millionaires

Not since Herb Stempel cheated his way to into the hearts and minds of ordinary, uneducated Americans in the 1950's quiz show scandal has one game show contestant captured so much money combined with a complete lack of attention from anyone with breasts. Ranked somewhere between Screech and Rush Limbaugh in overall sexiness, even $2.5 million in prize money won't get this guy laid. Although it will probably get him beat up when he goes back home. Ken Jennings ranks at a respectable #10.

 9. Kofi Annan/U.N. (tie)

Secretary General of the United Nations Kofi Annan spent much of 2004 under attack for corruption, kickbacks and a longer-than-comfortable embrace with PLO leader Yassir Arafat. Then, just recently, Iraq's food for oil program came under scrutiny when it was learned that Saddam Hussein and his thugs spent half the money on weapons and the other half on Annan's new wardrobe and Park Avenue condo. Add to that his wagging finger, hatred of all things American and his unflagging support for terrorists and rigged elections. Kofi and his band of talking windbags at the U.N. need to pack their bags. Let's give the U.N. building to Trump. The U.N. can hold their meeting at the YMCA. Or better yet, the J.C.C.

 8. Nick and Jessica

America's favorite retarded couple makes the rest of us see how beautiful marriage can really be when muscles and good hair meets great tits and ... well, great tits are enough in a beautiful marriage, aren't they? Adorning the cover of dozens of magazines, the "it" couple of 2004 even made avoiding premarital sex seem quaint. In 2004 the newlyweds appeared all over television, even hosting a Nick and Jessica Christmas Special. By "special," we mean shitty singing surrounded by not-quite-as-attractive and just as retarded cousins. It's destined to be a holiday classic. Rumors abound that the happy retarded couple aren't that at all. Some people say they're just retarded. They rank at #8.

 7. Ben Affleck's Agent/Ben Affleck (tie)

We refuse to jump on the "we hate Ben Affleck" bandwagon before equally jumping on the "we hate Ben Affleck's agent" bandwagon (which we've just now invented) Sure, Ben is not the greatest talent to come out of Hollywood, but this beer-loving Celebrity Poker playing Red Sox fan never asked to be posted on every tabloid and magazine, week in and week out during the past year. He just wanted to be left alone to bang J-Lo and Jennifer Garner —both very, very good choices, we might add. Ben Affleck can pick hot celebrities, but he just can't pick good movie roles, which is precisely why he gives millions of dollars to his agents and managers. How they happened to send him the scripts for "Gigli" or "Surviving Christmas" is beyond understanding and will likely be a study in agency ineptitude for years to come. So Ben Affleck, 10-percenter Patrick Whitesell of Endeavor and publicist Ken Sunshine can all share the blame equally. Unfortunately, no amount of blame-shifting will reduce the culpability of Matt Damon, who, strangely enough, tends to date down.

 6. Totally Ungrateful Iraqi Insurgents

Iraqi insurgents running around screaming "Allahu Akbar" before they kill a bunch of their own citizens are given the #6 spot in this year's ethnic cleansing awards. If it weren't for the fact that these people are dangerous killers using human shields to hide from Coalition Forces, these track suit-wearing idiots would be almost laughable. Invariably posed with the oversized RPG (the Iraqi rebel's equivalent to our electric guitar), the one-size-fits-all head scarf (to keep bugs out of their mouth), they seem more concerned with photo opps then considering the stupidity of their plight. Would someone please tell them we don't want to be there. The idea of us sticking around to steal their resources is almost as absurd as sticking around to steal their women. Get a fucking job!

CONTINUE READING #25-21,   #20-16,   #15 - 11,   #10 - 6,   #5 - 1

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