5. Paris Hilton/Olsen Twins (Tie)

Paris has really grown as a performer during the last year, adding to her resume yet another installment of the semiscripted "fish-out-of-water" reality show "The Simple Life." By semiscripted we only mean that Paris is unable to memorize anything but her tan lines. During 2004, Paris developed a clothing line, handbags, perfume and even had time to appear in another amateur sex tape -- although we're not sure it's fair to refer to it as amateur porn anymore. While some people see Paris as the new Marilyn Monroe (not the young vibrant version of Marilyn who married a sports legend, but the slightly older, no-longer-alive corpse version), we, at BFA, see her for what she truly is: a savvy, no-nonsense business woman in the same vein as Martha Stewart. Both of whom will most likely spend time on all fours this year.

In another year of overexposure for perhaps the richest and most famous of all strangely sexy, monkey-faced girls, the twins became perfectly legal monkeymeat in 2004. But now it just doesn't seem like such a treat. Somehow after removing the pixie-pedo fetish, all we're left with are two actresses who, after a lifetime in front of a camera, still can't act or carry on a particularly interesting conversation. Both are now sharing their public woes on the NYU campus, where Washington Square's homeless population fight tooth and nail for Mary-Kate's regurgitated lunch while offering advice on how to get over silly body esteem issues. It remains to be seen whether either twin can balance Prada bag shopping and college classes in order to actually graduate. We're not saying the Olsen Twins are stupid, but let's face it, for nine months they shared a small womb with one oxygen line. Even Paris can beat that. Barely.

 4. Gloating Republicans/ Sore Losers Who Threatened to Move to Canada But Never Did (tie)

No need to rehash the results of the 2004 presidential election, but the post-election world of national politics brought the real losers to the forefront and they share the ranking evenly. While Democrats annoyed the crap out of us by accusing the Republicans of gloating over their all-encompassing victory, while brushing off talk of a presidential mandate, Republicans equally annoyed us by actually gloating and actually claiming a mandate to do whatever they wanted. The arguments further escalated by reports of group therapy sessions for depressed liberals who vowed to continue to be a thorn in Bush's side -- or else move to Canada. The Republicans shot back by taunting the Democrats to move to Canada like they promised months ago. It's hard to decide who's worse: the arrogant, environmentally-dangerous conservatives bent on continuing an unwinnable war and making the world hate us, or the sore losers who do nothing but complain, and instead of trying to share a few toys in the sandbox, they jump right out and run for momma's apron. No doubt, it's a tie. They both rank at #4.

 3. Celebrity Political Endorsers

We've always been annoyed by the likes of self-important celebrity activists Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins and Barbra Streisand, who have spent years shamefully pushing their agenda on the American public at the most inappropriate moments possible. The 2004 presidential race saw new lows in the ridiculous posturing by the predominately liberal celebrities who wrongly thought their celebrity appeal would bring millions of votes to whatever guy they were supporting. The Democrats, always a majority among Hollywood types, boasted the unhelpful support of Matt Damon, Linda Ronstadt, P. Diddy, Cameron Diaz, Sharon Stone, Leonardo DiCaprio and Bruce Springsteen. The Republican celebrity minority, while both sad and pathetic, was just as vocal and just as annoying. They boasted the completely unhelpful support of The Governator, comedian Dennis Miller, B-list movie actor Ron Silver, Rick Schroder, Stephen Baldwin and Bo Derek. I think you can see where we're going with this.

CAMERON DIAZ ON OPRAH: "We have a voice now, and we're not using it, and women have so much to lose. I mean, we could lose the right to our bodies. We could lo--if you think that rape should be legal, then don't vote. But if you think that you have a right to your body, and you have a right to say what happens to you and fight off that danger of losing that, then you should vote, and those are the...." (trails off after becoming foggy)

LINDA RONSTADT: "People don't realize that by voting Republican, they voted against themselves...I worry that some people are entertained by the idea of this war. They don't know anything about the Iraqis, but they're angry and frustrated in their own lives. It's like Germany, before Hitler took over. The economy was bad and people felt kicked around. They looked for a scapegoat. Now we've got a new bunch of Hitlers.

P.DIDDY: " I predict record numbers of young people will vote...."

 2. Michael Moore

See last entry. If there was anyone in the entire presidential race who did more to energize and bolster the conservative cause, it was the self deluded, self-appointed liberal spokesman from Michigan. His treatise on Bush and the Bin Laden family teetered the fine line between propaganda and psychosis. Oscar speeches aside, it's any wonder he hasn't learned that slackers won't come out to vote no matter how many free socks and ramen noodles you offer them. The filmmaker who's greatest achievement prior to the election was the 1989 documentary "Roger and Me" sunk to new lows in 2004 and for that he needs to be ethnically cleansed. His greatest post-election achievement? The day when Moore can look down in the shower and see his penis. Expect a movie on it. Michael Moore squats to the bottom of the class at #2.

 1. William Hung

After much debate, the editorial staff here at BFA felt that, more than anyone else in 2004, American Idol first-round contestant William Hung and all who are like him, deserve to be banished forever from the planet Earth. It's not just that Mr. Hung can't sing or dance. He can't. He also can't go away. For those of you who thought the "Disco Donger" ended his 15 minutes of fame last February or March, you obviously missed his studio-released CD, his website, dozens of public appearances and just last week a prime spot in the Hollywood Christmas Parade (okay, Cindy Williams and Erik Estrada were also invited)

Let's face it, we all know that William isn't in on our "little joke." We laugh at him the same way we laugh at those chubby kids at the Special Olympics all those funny comedians on TV.

This past year of horrific torture we certainly brought on ourselves. It's not really even William Hung's fault if you really get down to it. It's societies' fault for putting Hung on the developmentally challenged pedestal he has ridden for the past 11 months. Where are his parents? Who is looking out for his best interests? Who is making sure he's not been exploited by money hungry handlers looking for a quick buck? Why does he keep saying "erection" instead of election? These are questions that must be answered.

Thankfully, we have no fear that William Hung will either 1) find this website or learn how to correctly spell his name in order to, 2) Google himself and discover what has been said and written about him by us. With no fear in bestowing upon him BFA's highest (or lowest) honors, we confidently award William Hung the coveted #1 spot.

Let us never speak of him again.

Happy Holidays from your friends at BFA

CONTINUE READING #25-21,   #20-16,   #15 - 11,   #10 - 6,   #5 - 1

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