20. People Still Making Brokeback Mountain Jokes/People Still Quoting Napoleon Dynamite (tie)

It's now 2007 and time to permanently shelve any references to Napoleon Dynamite no matter how "flipping funny" you think that dance sequence was. It's finished, you got it? No quotes, no impressions, no Youtube parodies, no Halloween costumes, and for the love of all that's holy, no more retards who insist on wearing a "Vote for Pedro" shirt you bought at the Hot Topic outlet store, you brainless, indie-poser twats! Is this flipping clear? You are over. Done.

As for gay cowboy jokes, read 'em here for the last time. Ever.

“A movie theater in Utah abruptly canceled a screening of the movie ‘Brokeback Mountain because they felt it was inappropriate for the community standards. Instead, they ran ‘Deliverance.’” -- Jay Leno

“Top 10 Signs You are a Gay Cowboy. - 'Number 5: Native Americans refer to you as Dances With Men.'" -- David Letterman

" The big winners were "Brokeback Mountain," "Capote" and "Transamerica." All movies with gay themes. I think this is God's way of punishing Pat Robertson." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was asked if he'd seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' The president said he hadn't seen it, but he'd be happyto talk about ranching. Then he added, 'Ranching still means gay sex, right?'" --Conan O'Brien

19. Donald Trump/Rosie O'Donnell (tie)

When you combine a bloated egomaniac billionaire who stole owns half of New York City and an even more bloated, but somewhat less wealthy, cooter cleaner from Long Island, you know you're going to get fireworks. Apparently, Rosie O'Donnell, cohost of ABC's The View, doesn't like when Donald Trump pimps out 20-year-old coke whores on his Miss Universe Pageant or cheats on his wife. Trump doesn't like being called "a pimp" or a "snakeoil salesman" or a "philanderer." And Rosie doesn't appreciate being referred to as "a fat slob," "a fat pig," or a "pigface." She especially doesn't like being called "a super pig-faced hippopotamus," or a "fat, pig-faced loser with an even fatter, penis-free pair of pork-fed meat curtains." Okay, we made that up, but clearly The Don was thinking it. Worst part was that this exchange bolstered TV ratings and made it clear that The View won't be canceled anytime soon. Rosie and Donald are chubby and even at #19.

18. Plagiarists, Hack Writers, and the Publishers Who Pay Them

What a great year for literature. When James Frey gets reamed in the keester by Oprah on national television for lying about his "nonfiction" bestseller," and chick-lit-phenom-turned-Harvard-outcast Kaavya Viswanathan, whose book, "How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life" had been lifted from multiple sources of other unreadable chick-lit books, you know book publishers have set the bar low. Add to that, Judith Regan's career-busting O.J. Simpson fiasco, "How I Would Have Killed Whitey," and you have a banner year in publishing.

17. Barack Obama

After much research, the crack staff at BFA have failed to unearth anything earthshattering or embarrassing in Barack Obama's past that would cause him to be humiliated and ruined in the eyes of the public should he run for President in 2008. By all accounts, he's the perfect combination of looks, brains, and good old fashioned common sense. Therefore, in the spirit of fair play and equal time, we will just make it all up: Barack Obama has three man-berries. Barack Obama can't play basketball. Barack Obama's real name is Barry Fudgepacker. Barack Obama lied about his grades at Devry School of Technology. Barack Obama once killed a guy in the army on a swift boat, before he deserted and moved to Canada. Barack Obama's first wife was Teresa Heinz Kerry. Barack Obama refers to his female interns as "sperm receptacle #1" and "sperm receptacle #2." Obama and all other would-be Presidential candidates are ranked at #17.

It's been nearly two years and people are still griping about Hurricane Katrina. Blah, blah, blah, we get it: all the water, all the neglect, the corrupt, racist Federal Government headed by the corrupt, racist President Bush. We know you lost your shitty, uninsured house sitting on a shitty piece of swampland, while your entire family was floating down the bayou atop a 50-inch flat screen you pilfered from Walmart. We understand it wasn't your fault: it was a natural disaster and nobody is blaming you for the devastating loss of the worthless crapholes you once called homes. With that said, we certainly can't blame Mother Nature for the nearly $2 billion that was flushed down the toilet on fraudulent disaster relief claims and free ATM cards -- enough money to build 10,000 piece of shit houses just like the ones you lost. Here's a newsflash for all you volunteers, nonprofits and other vocal do-gooders in this country: America wasn't built on soup kitchens, donations or federal handouts. It was built on hard work . Not by us, of course, but, you know, the Founding Fathers and stuff. Hard working people who didn't have websites to run or World of Warcraft to play in the afternoon when it's cold outside. So stop your whining and go home already. Oh wait, you don't have a home. Nevermind.

CONTINUE READING   #20-16,   #15 - 11,   #10 - 6,   #5 - 1

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