15. Tom from Myspace

Why would anyone want to ethnically cleanse a handsome 30-year-old multimillionaire and cofounder of one of the world's most popular social networking sites? Jealousy, plain and simple. Tom Anderson is, by almost any quantifiable reasoning, the most popular dude in America with, at last count, 144,783,010 Myspace friends. Now granted, only a small percentage of them are real friends. Perhaps only a small percentage would, say, drive his ass to the airport or help him move some furniture into his new apartment. And what about dating? Let's just say for argument's sake that only one percent of his female Myspace friends would sleep with him if he asked really nicely. That's a million girls, give or take. Now let's further imagine that out of those one million girls, only one percent are unbelievably hot, and not only would sleep with him but would also do his laundry and feed his cats whenever he left town. Starting to get the point?

Bottom line: We may be jealous but until Tom gets off his lazy, rich, oversexed ass and fixes that piece-of-shit website that is constantly offline, constantly giving error messages, and is constantly being "upgraded," he will remain on our list of people we'd like to cleanse from this Earth.

You know it's time for a good old fashioned ethnic cleansing, when, after more than 20 years in the movie business as an actor, director and producer, your defining moment and contribution to the humanities would include the unforgettable gem, "what are you looking at, Sugar Tits?" We at BFA, known for our sweet tooth, cling to the hope that this line, along with his racist meltdown and egregious jewbaiting was just some throw away dialogue from a early draft of Lethal Weapon, and not how he really feels. Except, that we also abuse alcohol enough to know that that's exactly how he really feels. Maybe Gibson was channeling Al Capone when he told the veteran cop he "owns Malibu." Can you imagine the fear that statement must have induced in the tanned, chino-wearing highway patrolman who heard that one? Mel may be foreign-born but he wears a mullet in his best movies, which makes him just an old fashioned American redneck.

It also came as no surprise that Mel came to quick defense of Michael Richards, who, turns out, was completely sober when he became unglued and hurled a cluster of N-Bombs at The Laugh Factory after being heckled by some black audience members. Richards tried to make amends by appearing unglued on David Letterman, appearing unglued on Dateline and appearing unglued during counseling sessions with professional racists Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.

In the immortal words of Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along? Where's my fucking limo?!"

If you thought you were safe from perverts and internet predators in your upper middle class neighborhood, you haven't been watching the eight-times-per-week installments of NBC Dateline's comedy hit, "To Catch a Predator," also known as "America's Funniest Home Videos Featuring Your Cousin or Uncle." You know the drill: reporter Chris Hanson rents out a house, installs some hidden cameras, while a network of temporarily deputized "volunteers" troll internet chatrooms, pretending they're teenagers. Apparently, they're really good actors, because after trading penis shots and blowjob fantasies, a stream of slightly broken, occasionally deranged lonely guys comes a ringing at the door. Then the magic happens. SURPRISE! We're filming a story about middle-aged perverts and you're now on national television! And that's not all: you're also going to be viciously tackled by police the second you leave this house, and we're going to rerun this show at every single sweeps week opportunity so as to prevent other perverts from doing the same thing while making our sponsors happy with boffo ratings! And all of that will happen without a lawyer or a trial or any of the things that you're supposed to be allowed under the Constitution. Thanks for playing along!

Okay, we're not ones to condone having sex with minors (unless they're really "mature" and willing and promise not to rat you out on Montel Williams) but even we, the most cynical of reporters, think that everyone involved in this show should be sharing the same bucket of astroglide. Perverts and Dateline producers bone in at #13.

12. Exxon-Mobil

As annoying as the autocrats running those ass-poor terrorist countries in Middle East and parts of South America, they don't need to worry about votes or elections or popular support. They run their countries on oil profits and teenage prostitution and that's that. Meanwhile, our "wealthy" country, sitting on vast reserves of oil sitting beneath our feet allow one company to control the price, gouge the consumer, and do all kinds of other deceptive and super mean horrible things that we cannot prove but seems to be the case for the purpose of these awards.

In 2006, Exxon-Mobil had a record year (again) and continues to be the single largest company in the entire world by both volume and revenue (again). It is a company with a gross income of $400 billion (yes billion) per year. Gas prices during the past year were at record prices, BFA staffers are forced to ride mopeds and Mobil stations always seem to be out of Camel Ultra Light 100's. Worst of all, the bathroom always has an "out of order" sign, no matter how bad you have to go or how nicely you ask. If that's not an example of the practices of evil corporate monopoly, we don't know what is. Exxon-Mobil ranks at #12.

11. John Mark Karr

Creepiness got a new poster child this past year, when globe-trotting schoolteacher and preoperative "weekend transvestite" John Mark Karr stunned the world with his admission that he was involved in the unsolved murder of JonBenet Ramsey, and we realized for the first time that the average pedo corpse humper wears a buttoned-to-the-top golf shirt, khaki trousers and is void of facial hair or testicles. The Boulder, Colorado district attorney's office, in a desperate attempt to turn around ten years of bumbling leads and poor excuses, didn't mind spending tens of thousands of dollars to grab Mr. Karr in Thailand and send him back to the States to meet with Hollywood producers and the same stylists who reworked Clay Aiken. After all that, it turns out Karr had the wrong DNA, although it was a perfect match for Johnny Depp. Karr is reportedly back home in Atlanta, writing a Shirley Temple biopic and dating Tara Reid. John Mark Karr touches us inappropriately at #11.

CONTINUE READING   #20-16,   #15 - 11,   #10 - 6,   #5 - 1

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