10. Horrifyingly Unphotogenic Televised Poker Players

When someone tells you, "you have a face for radio," you should be slightly insulted. When someone tells you "you have a face for a semiprofessional, round-robin-style, televised poker tournament," you should really think about ending it all. These reality stars of cable programming filler make the undercard of the professional bowler's tour look like Calvin Klein models after a week-long spa vacation on St. Barts. No amount of jewelry, dark sunglasses, or baggy, ill-fitting Sears clothing can hide the hideousness of these rogaine-slathered, nicotine-stained, blinged-out Homer Simpsons, who can actually be heard sweating (yes, heard), and grunting and actually "quack-quacking" on cable television almost any night of the week. You can almost see their body odor. It's not a coincidence that much of this programming has been supplanted by celebrity poker tournaments, featuring such hotties as Andy Dick and Jason Alexander. Compared to the non-celebs, these guys are like the "good looking" kids at fat camp. It just goes to show you that million dollars in chips won't get these guys laid even by the Thai hooker pouring the drinks.

9. Apple-Envious PC Users

We at BFA, without wanting to endorse one product over another, will retreat from a direct comparison of the two top computer platforms by instead leaving you with the following thought: one is a girl you desperately want to bang despite the fact that you can barely afford her, and the other is the wrinkled up shrew you find yourself in bed with in a south Texas trailer park after 30 years of a loveless marriage and several retarded kids. Let's face it, there's only one thing worse than being a PC user, and that's being a PC user by choice. Whether or not you're part of the Mac-bashing, Bill Gates-pooper-sniffing crowd, you must certainly acknowledge that Apple Computer invented the consumer desktop, originated the windows-based interface and took the leap from green blips and computer code into something that if it had legs and a larger serial port, you would screw all day and all night -- because that's the only thing you will be sleeping with, you Zune-carrying virgin losers! PC, YOU SUCK. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Re·tard
Function: noun
1. re-tard: a retarded person; also : a person held to resemble a retarded person in behavior
2. fuck-tard - someone who is retarded beyond belief.

There's one element which always separated Westerners from the illiterate Arab savages slightly undomesticated foreigners of the Middle East and other third world countries, and that was our sense of logic and reasoning. We don't give credence to dimwitted conspiracy theories and totally inane gossip unless it involves Richard Gere and some gerbils. For those pinheaded dolts who still cling to the belief that thousands of government employees, Pentagon workers, demolition experts, airline controllers and that pesky Jewish cabal all plotted together to commit mass murder on 9/11 so we could control a few thousands barrels of Iraqi oil (and make Israel happy), you are beyond sad and demented. Thankfully, we have an established system of checks and balances in this country. We have the best journalistic organizations in the world. Add to that the fact that nobody in our government can keep a fucking secret for a week. It's not a perfect system but it's better than say...anywhere else on the planet. And we certainly don't use pseudo-science and hidden agendas to demonstrate how a 110 story tower would collapse via jet fuel and gravity had Bush not pushed the "explode" button beneath his desk. Your arguments are retarded, your proof is retarded, and yes, you are totally and completely fuck-tard-ed (a newly created word), and should be banished from this day forward. Pressing "explode" button now.

 7. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad/Hugo Chavez/Paris Hilton (tie)

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez: "The grand destroyer of the world, and the greatest threat ... is represented by U.S. imperialism"

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "We thank God that our enemies are idiots."

Paris Hilton: "That's so hot!"

'Nuff said. It's a three way tie and possibly a new sitcom!

Obligatory celebrity couple-bashing aside, TomKat has been turning stomachs way before Cruise threw himself a "I just made Operating Thetan Level Seven Bukkake Party" at the Scientology Celebrity Centre. What started as an innocent crush on the Top Gun heartthrob quickly turned sad and pathetic, like Cruise's plummeting box office receipts. Still, we're going to refrain from making gay jokes (he is), or ridiculing his previous failed relationships (all of them), or the antennae he straps to his head in the bathroom so he can listen to L. Ron Hubbard giving him career advice from outer space.

Katie Holmes participated willingly in this publicity stunt/enslavement/cloning experiment and the baby is just the innocent satanic offshoot of that unholy union. Suri, herself, finally photographed by Vanity Fair in "animatronic holding pattern number 3," is as cute as you would expect from something less barren than say Nicole Kidman. We know it's wrong to hate a baby so we will instead hate her for her existence of wealth and privilege and access to the underground mountain lair/tanning spa/luge track where she will receive life lessons from her holographic parenting machine. We resent her for her predetermined future of drunken, goth-attired, rebellious teenage years where, one day, in a meth-induced paranoia, she will shave her head and finally see the sign of the beast on her scalp. Or she'll just become a weird asshole who will run away to Bahrain and marry Blanket Jackson. Whatever. We hate her already, and in about 15 years, the rest of the world will too. The Cruise robot family ranks in at #6.

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