5. The Know-It-All Assholes Trying to Steal Our Delicious Transfats

We recently realized that transfats are completely unrelated to "fat trannies," which is a shame actually, because both offer a feast of epic proportion, involving sitting with your pants unbuttoned and a stranger offering to supersize you for an extra buck. Turns out transfats are those artery clogging man-made chemicals that make McDonald's French Fries so good we will eat them from between the seat cushions months later without a second thought.

Now, entire cities have jumped on the bandwagon and New York, more concerned with saving our arteries than the million pounds of cockroach intestines that make up the diet of Korean grocery store salad bar customers, have banned them completely. It's hard to know who to believe. Remember those Florence Henderson commercials? Well, we've got Wessonality, biatch! We want to continue to smoke and club baby seals and continue to eat bovine growth hormones while talking on our cell phones for hours at a time. We at BFA are planning to open a transfat speakeasy, where you can gorge on paint chips and huff glue and wear fur and clone each other, with all the tranny fats you desire. Know-it-alls stealing our fries rank in at #5

Are you aware that your "space" on Myspace is horrible? More often than not, it's a totally unreadable, poorly designed, seizure-inducing mess of colors and overlapping text and photos. Not only do we not care what kind of music you like, or what movies you watch or what books you read, we certainly don't care about your new photo (yes, you're fat in that one. And that one. And that one) or your trip to Cancun or, God help us, your kitty who just did something adorable. And how about that inane blog you update four times a year with your poetry and ramblings about how your parents just "don't get you?" Your "survey questions" aren't remotely funny, mildly interesting or even titillating, so stop passing them on to us. Your messages are vapid and mostly ignored, and by adding flashy images with holiday greetings, it makes us want to drive your head in the ground with a steel-toed boot. And for those of you who "collect" friends, you are probably painfully aware of the direct correlation between high numbers of Myspace friends and your total lack of social life. If you have 300 or more friends you are sitting at home on Saturday night stroking it until it hurts. I know we are.

 3. Dancing with the Stars

In the world of entertainment and publicity-desperate Hollywood whoredom, even bad attention is considered a good thing. Enter "Dancing with the Stars," also known as "I Will Now Be Publicly Neutered in a Career-Ending Spectacle No One Will Soon Let Me Forget."

America has voted and surprisingly, the best, most entertaining piece of programming on television during the past year was watching former Blossom star Joey Lawrence appear baldheaded and sweaty, donning a spandex jumpsuit, and doing a twirly whirly thing with a rhinestone-covered hardbody he met just weeks earlier. Nothing against Joey or his now fully documented trainwreck ending of his career, in painful high resolution video. Nor do we have anything against Mario Lopez, Emmit Smith, Jerry Springer or any of the other horrifyingly desperate C-Listers looking to maintain any kind of public image, no matter how goofy they look prancing and spinning and trying to hold back tears of joy when they're told they will move on to the next round of the last round of their career. We're trying to be mature here. Dancing is cool and these people are not. Dancing former celebrities arrive at #3.

 2. George W. Bush/People Who Won't Shut the Fuck Up About George W. Bush (tie)

Yes, he's not the smartest or the most capable President we're ever had. Yes, we are getting ass-raped in Iraq. Yes, other countries kinda hate us right now. Yes, our government is no more equipped to handle a terrorist threat or a natural disaster than it was five years ago. Yes, he's not particularly fond of gay people or liberals or leftists or environmentalists. Yes, he can't get through a simple speech without a screwup. Yes, he was a spoiled, pampered rich kid who probably got carried through Yale and the National Guard. We get it already! You either don't like him or you "hate his fucking guts." At best, you think he's stupid, arrogant and misguided. At worst, you think he's the devil incarnate, whose sole purpose in life is to screw you, your family and everything that is holy to you. You think he's here doing the bidding of neoconservatives or Israel or Lucifer or the deranged voices in his head. Yes, we get it. Now how about this? Why don't you shut your fucking piehole already, huh? In 2008, the vast majority of you complainers will forget to vote and you'll get stuck with the next guy or girl. And guess what, they will suck too.

Carmen Electra would be pretty cool though. Just FYI.

After much debate, the editorial staff here at BFA decided to follow the example of Time Magazine (sorta) and name You as the person most deserving to be banished forever from the face of the Earth.

Let's face it: you're insecure. You're needy. You're never satisfied. You complain about everything. You spend all your time 1) on the internet, 2) on the couch, 3) in front of the refrigerator, or 4) at work.

You're too fat. You're too lazy. You're not smart enough. You're not tall enough.

You make videos on YouTube and pages on Myspace, where you spend your time talking with strangers doing exactly the same thing you do. Which is nothing.

You play video games. You build simulated worlds online. You write blogs. You spend all your money on drugs, or rent, or alcohol or invisible music files to be played on your magical IPod. You watch Desperate Housewives and Lost and Dancing with the Stars and TiVo all of them.

You can't sing. You can't dance. You're not famous. You're not rich. You're tits/penis/ass are too big or too small.

Your parents don't love you enough. You have no discernible skills. You have no goals. You have no motivation or ambition.

Yes, you do really suck. But we still love you, and thankfully you can all suck together in one big, joyous, never-ending worldwide suck-a-thon. We'll provide the beer and whores.

So congratulations, readers. You get the coveted #1 spot.

Happy Holidays from your friends at BFA

CONTINUE READING #20-16,   #15 - 11,   #10 - 6,   #5 - 1

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