I’d
barely recovered from squinting through the first Paris Hilton
sex video (as featured, uh, everywhere) when word on the dirty
boulevard that is the internet came down that yet another Paris
Hilton sex tape is circulating. This time Paris, former Playmate
Nicole Lenz, and (I-barely-remember-him-as-an-MTV-VJ/now-you're-telling-me-he's-an-actor-too?)
Simon Rex are featured joining in tripartite sexual congress,
activities otherwise known by the technical term "three-way."
Inevitably and regrettably, all of the hubbub surrounding the
hotel heiress and her appetite for videotaped coitus will soon
reach the computer screens of America's classrooms, language
labs, and lightly-supervised, unstructured after-school programs.
And it's our responsibility as caretakers to equip the young
with the knowledge they need to navigate this tricky time.
To that noble end, please distribute the following information
immediately.
How to Talk to Your Kids About the Paris Hilton Sex Video
1. Start from the Beginning
Explain to your children that when two adults love each other
very much, they need a special way to express that love. This
explanation need not involve a graphic description of how exactly
adults go about expressing their love. But it is important to
tell them that when the two people that love each other are
a party-girl heiress socialite with an upcoming reality television
show and a guy who's been burned by a short-lived marriage to
a sexually voracious celebrity who coincidentally also had ties
to FOX, sometimes you need to capture that expression of love
on video and leak it to the public so that people will know
there's nothing wrong with your manhood, okay? If your child
is particularly precocious, you may choose to inform him of
the merits of bringing a lawsuit against the other participant
to make it look as if you didn't pass anything to Page Six or
TheSmokingGun.com.
2. Patiently Answer Their Questions
Expect that children are going to have a lot of questions; the
period after watching the video is a very confusing time. Matter-of-factly
answer their queries about why Rick is leaning against some
pillows and rubbing himself while Paris is catting around on
the edge of the bed (a guy needs some time to recover when he's
going all night), whether it's OK to answer a cellphone call
when you're about to be taken from behind (it's not, it kills
the mood if it's your parents calling), and why you might leave
the television on in the background while taping (watching Ralph
and Norton always helps you go longer, get off my back already).
Children will appreciate your honesty and patience with their
curiosity.
3. Prepare Them for the Future, When You Might Not Be Around
Let's face it, you can't be everywhere with your children to
shield them from the realities of modern life. It's better to
arm kids with knowledge so that they can make informed decision
when you're not there. All of this attention for the Paris tape
is going to lead to a flood of sex tapes of other celebrities
trying to get their names back onto the public's lips. Let them
know which tapes are worth their time -- Russell Crowe and Nicole
Kidman, yes; Billy Baldwin and the overly-muscular chick with
the hyper-thyroidic eyes from "Paradise Hotel," take
a pass.
And when it's time for your kids to engage in a little healthy
experimentation in front of the camera, let them know that a
bed bathed in the gentle, warm glow of candles is cinegraphically
more desirable than a grainy, green, night-vision effect. They'll
want their tapes to look more like an Adrian Lyne film than
a Gulf War smart-bomb video. And don't micromanage on the subject
of positions. Your guidance is important, but there are some
things that are better left to trial and error. |
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Above:
Paris Hilton
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