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THE BOB DIARY

BOB AND COREY SPECIAL JOURNAL EDITION

Dear Journal,

Since this has been my most exciting day since I moved into the transient hotel at the corner of Hollywood and Cherokee, I will tell you exactly what happened step by step. It just so happens that the prick editor from the website must have gotten past the security in my building because he left a message with my hooker friend, Paprika that I could possibly see Corey Feldman and his new band perform in a free concert on Sunset. Though my first instinct was to find him and kick his ass, he left a half pint of cherry-flavored NightTrain at the door — which I have to admit, was a pretty nice touch. All is forgiven...for now.

So I went over to Tower Records at around 9 am because I wanted to make sure I got a really good spot in line. I had a wallet full of dollar bills just in case I had to bribe a roadie or two, and a thermos filled with said NightTrain (you can't bring bottles in the store) Outside I met lots of interesting people. Some were fans of Corey's and some were homeless people who couldn't care less about the music — they just wanted to bug me for my NightTrain, which apparently they could smell on my breath from down the block.

After a few hours, the line and the crowd got larger, but for the most part people were cool about my personal space issues. Then, around 3pm, this total geek started making trouble. He was waving around a rare Corey Feldman 1st edition book and bragging about how he had one of the only copies in the world — and I just lost it. Remember that scene in the movie "Misery" when James Caan takes his scorched manuscript and jams it down Kathy Bates throat? Well that's sort of what happened. I don't normally condone violence, but that guy really annoyed me so I didn't get too upset about kicking his loser ass all over the sidewalk.

Finally after what seemed like hours, they let us in and I immediately walked up to some roadies to ask them if they needed help. I was relieved to find out that Corey was not expending energy lugging amplifiers and plugging in dangerous electric cords all by himself. While the band was setting up, I spent time checking out some new records and magazines.

Then, just like a big arena show, the lights got dark and we were waiting for Corey to come out. At this point, I was somewhat distracted because there was this girl who kept bothering me about this and that. I told her to back off and leave me alone, despite the fact that she was very attractive and obviously more interested in flirting with me than the concert. I humored her for a good ten minutes and told her to meet me in the parking lot after the show and I'd introduce her to Corey (this was a lie -- I didn't actually know Corey at the time).

Then Corey came out and the crowd went nuts. He was wearing this big floppy hat and it was hard to tell if it was actually Corey, but then I heard his voice and it sounded exactly how you might expect Corey to sound, except totally different. He started playing music from his new album while he took off various articles of his clothing, and although I didn't recognize any of the songs, I totally rocked out in the front row (Actually there weren't rows, it was in the middle of a record store). But I started rocking out anyway, and I started doing that "slamming against other people kind of dancing" until the record store manager asked me to stop. Plus, that girl I was talking to kept getting knocked on her sweet, sweet ass.

After a bunch of songs, Corey began playing this song called Megaloman or something like that.Apparently, the song was written about his former friend Michael Jackson after they had a falling out. I was hoping this was the case because all of the sudden Corey began doing this Michael Jackson dance and it was as if Corey had been practicing this dance in front of a mirror for years! I mean it was almost like watching Michael Jackson himself, except Corey is white and somewhat shorter. Later I found out he only knew these moves because he was mad at Michael for kicking him off the tourbus or something to that effect.

I was having such a great time at the show, Corey noticed me standing there and I flipped him that hand sign that means something satanic I think. It was really cool and I use this expression when I'm having a good time and I'm not sure what else to do with my hands. It's a nice variation from clapping which is boring after awhile. I want to stress at this time I don't actually worship Satan.

Then believe it or not, Corey looked right at me and sang to me— but not in a gay sort of way. The girl next to me insisted he was singing to her — if that's what she wants to believe, then that's fine with me.

Finally, after about an hour and a gallon of sweat (mine) the show ended. Corey mentioned that he would stay to sign autographs for people who purchased his CD, so I raced to the store counter and bought a whole bunch.

Here's where it got a little weird. Remember that annoying girl who kept flirting with me throughout the entire show. She wouldn't stop and only later did I find out it was Corey Feldman's fiancé! Can you believe the nerve of a girl trying to hit on me while her boyfriend is backstage toweling off? Though it was tempting, I decided that it would be wrong to go behind Corey's back and steal his fiancé. I don't even think Corey Haim would have stooped so low. Plus, she wasn't really my type so I just nodded a lot and took her phone number (which I promise I will throw away later).

I had a couple of minutes of heavy thinking about whether I should tell Corey about his naughty naughty girlfriend, but I felt it was my obligation to save him possibly years of grief. Also, this would be a perfect opportunity to do some of that bonding stuff that happens between new best friends. While I was thinking about this and waiting for Corey to come out, I decided what the heck, and went to the darkened parking lot to meet Corey's fiancé. Women can be so pushy.

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