|
|
 FROM
THE EDITOR'S DESK
(This
is where I say important stuff)
|
9.22.04—
The Emmy's aired on Sunday and noticeably absent from the winner's
list again this year was...me. That's right, the successful, witty
Editor in Chief of the Los Angeles-based media empire known as Bob
From Accounting Omnimedia.
As
some of you know, I'm film/television writer when I'm not working
on BFA. I decided during our lengthy summer hiatus to really get
back to work on my television writing career, which had been sidetracked
by other projects, including this website— as well as the fact
that producers and agents rarely return my calls. I decided to do
something about it rather than whining and complaining to nobody
in particular. Note: The whining and complaining you're about to
read doesn't really count as whining and complaining because I'm
just getting it completely out of my system, not because I like
to whine and complain. I don't. Well, I do, but not publicly. Unless
I'm asked. Or someone annoys me or says something stupid. Or someone
gets a Emmy that should have gone to me...
I have
a friend -- well, not so much a friend but an acquaintance. Someone
who early on, actually submitted articles to BFA. A writer who eventually
got hired on "The Daily Show" last year. Well, it just
so happens that the "The Daily Show" won the Emmy last
year for best writing. They won it again this year. He has two Emmy's.
I have none.
God
bless him, I thought. He deserves it. But what about me? Was he
doing something I wasn't doing? Was he a better writer than me?
Why does he have two Emmy awards and I have none?
I could
give you a long complicated answer but the truth is much simpler:
God loves him and hates me.
While
I wholeheartedly believe that to be true, I also believe that there
are ways to circumvent "the God factor." When you have
a run of shitty luck, it's your job to change it. I'm a goal-oriented
person and I have a new goals, which I would like to announce here
first:
I'm
going to circumvent God's plan for me this year and 1) get a TV
deal with a major studio, 2) I'm going to get Bob From Accounting
on television-- or at least on film. And 3) I'm going to win an
Emmy. SOMEHOW.
I figure
there are difficult ways to win these types of prestigious awards
and there are easier routes. In film, winning an Oscar is nearly
impossible, and talented people spend their lives trying. According
to statistics, your best shot at winning an Oscar is by entering
a film in a boring category like short animation, short documentary,
etc. Writer's only have two shots at the Oscar (best script &
best adaptation) and if you're a comedy writer, you can just forget
it.
Similarly,
in the world of music, you have your best shot at winning a Grammy
at newer, more obscure categories like "Best Native American
Music." So all you untalented hacks need to paint yourself
up like Sitting Bull and carve yourself a wooden flute and you might
actually have a chance. I mean, seriously, how friggin' hard could
it be to win this category?
In
television, there are no obscure categories. The easiest and most
direct route to winning an Emmy is by latching onto Emmy winning
producers, writers and actors. Unlike in the film industry, a comedy
writer has the best odds in television. If you work on a staff-written
show like "The Late Show with David Letterman," "Conan
O'Brien," "The Daily Show" or "The Tonight Show,"
you basically have a 1-in-6 chance of winning an Emmy. These types
of shows have as many as 14 writers. When they win an Emmy for best
writing, they don't share an Emmy. They EACH get one. All I have
to do is get hired on one of these shows. NO PROBLEM.
I know
what you're thinking, so what about "Bob From Accounting?"
Well, I've been deluding myself with the idea that BFA will help
get staffed on one of the shows mentioned above, which will earn
me an Emmy, and then, with my shiny new Emmy in hand, it's going
to give me the clout to do what I really want. That is, give Bob
From Accounting a second life on the small screen. Okay, the order
isn't important. What's important is that it all happens...soon.
If
you know someone that could help, please
let me know!
So
during the coming weeks, I will keep an online journal of what I'm
doing to get Bob From Accounting on television. That way, when I
do eventually stand onstage to accept my Emmy award, you will feel
like you're a part of it, even though you really won't be.
Doesn't
that sound exciting? Stay tuned.
SHL
9.8.04—
Yes, the summer is over and we are back with our first issue after
our little hiatus. Interestingly enough, when we decided to take
a little rest this summer, we were worried about how our readers
would handle it. Would they abandon us? Would they even care at
all? Strangely enough, our traffic has grown this summer. And not
only that, but we sell more swag and more readers patronize our
advertisers when we don't update. Go figure. It seems the better
the issue, the less interested people are in clicking on the other
stuff. Some dilemma huh?
A lot
of people ask me why I publish this website. I even wrote
about it at length awhile back. After sweating over BFA for
three years, seeing it grow from a couple of friends to thousands
of people a day, including a greater part of the Hollywood community,
the most rewarding part is the literally hundreds of email we get
a week. Sure, there's some hate
mail -- some of it even from family
members. Sometimes we get really
bizarre mail, but for the most part, the feedback is extremely
positive —that is until we decided to take a vacation this
summer and reduce our workload to ...well not a whole lot. Below
is a pretty standard sample:
Dear whoever runs
this shit,
Where the fuck is the new issue? Get off your lazy asses and get
me some funny shit now shitbag.
You guys suck,
Mike Estep
P.S. Where the fuck is Shizzy? Tell that shitbag to get to work
As
you can imagine, I was touched that so many people would care enough
to swear or otherwise insult me. We've been going strong for three
years and we're not stopping now so don't worry. In fact, we are
currently soliciting new writers and columnists,
graphic artists and animators. And yes, Shizzy will be back
next week.
So
thanks for sticking around. Now go make
a donation, shitbag.
SHL
Want to see what I go through on
a daily basis? Then read the following exchange with my mother,
based on the reprint of my "Letter
to My Grandfather"
 In
a message dated 3/5/03 5:11:22 PM, carxxxx@aol.com writes:
Scott,
I just saw that you posted that horrible
horrible letter you wrote to your Grandfather and I am just disgusted.
I know you think it's a big joke but if he actually ever saw that
letter, he would be livid. It's not the least bit funny when you
take a person and make him a part of your trashy humor website without
their permission. If you don't take that down immediately, I'm going
to send him that and trust me, you'll be sorry. Shame on you for
treating him that way!
Love,
Mom
P.S. He smells just fine. Grow up!
This was my reply
Dear Mom,
How many times do I need to tell you that I write satire. This
website is HUMOR. But I still disagree with what you say because
he does stink. If you hadn't burned out your olfactory senses by
wearing all that cheap flowery perfume for all these years, then
you might notice. He's a great guy and I love him, but I start gagging
within 15 feet of the guy.
Love,
Scooter
In a message dated 3/6/03 9:11:16 PM,
carxxxx@aol.com writes:
First of all, Scott. I don't ever wear
cheap flowery perfume. I wear the same scent I've been wearing for
years and I would guess that it costs more than you make in a month
with your website. Please take down the letter to Grandpa right
now as I asked. Your father feels the same way. It's not funny and
to make fun of a man who's been so good to you and is having all
these troubles now. I'm not joking around. You have 24 hours to
take that garbage down.
Love,
Mom
I love my mother, but this is just too good an opportunity
Dear Mom,
I love Grandpa and he knows it. It's not my fault that he's having
troubles. I mean, think about it. People that age don't get divorces,
unless they happen to be living with someone who got hit by the
stink truck. The guy smells like a corpse and I think Grandma had
suffered through it long enough.
Scooter
In a message dated 3/7/03 8:15:10 PM,
carxxxx@aol.com writes:
Scott,
I'm not interested in continuing this
argument. I'm sending him the website information and you'll have
to deal with him yourself. You want to embarrass your entire family
again and again? Go ahead.
Love,
Mom
P.S. You better not put this
conversation on the internet
Here it is folks, the actual letter from my Grandfather.
In a message dated 3/5/03 9:51:50 PM,
carxxxx@aol.com writes:
Hiya, Scott.
Not sure if I have the right address to
send this to. I hope you get this letter. This internet thing is
neat. Its very confusing and my reading glasses are in the study.
How is California? You mother says I should look at some writing
you've done. You'll have to tell me where to look. Nana says hello.
She called earlier to pick up her iron. Maybe i'll hit her on the
head with it. Ha Ha. That's a joke. Her head would probably break
it.
Love,
Grampa
My reply.
Dear Grandpa,
It's really nothing. I've done a little writing but I don't think
you'd be interested. Instead, here's a link that's got some nudey
girls and videos. (type in http://www.thisispriceless.com) I think
you'll like that better. It's free but don't spend all day there
otherwise mom will find out and I'll never hear the end of it. I
gotta go now, Gramps. I'm going to take a long hot bath. Doesn't
that sound nice? A long hot luxurious bath. Nothing like a good
long bath to really feel re-energized and clean. Wouldn't you agree?
Love,
Scooter
11/5/02 - Wanna
know how much trouble you can get in with your parents when you
post their favorite child on the front page of your R-rated website
without permission? Well, here's a deeper look into Scooter's life.
If you want to contribute to my therapy bills please leave a donation.
In
a message dated 10/27/02 4:11:52 PM, carxxxx@aol.com writes:
Scott,
The
reason I didn't call over the weekend is because I didn't get home
until late and I know I can't call you in the morning or you just
scream at me. So stop blaming me for that one. Listen, I need to
talk to you about something because I am very, very unhappy and
the only way I seem to be able to reach you is by email so I'll
tell you it here. Judy called and told me that you put Cindy's picture
up on your website and I'm telling you right now that it needs to
come down immediately. I'm dead serious. This is not funny. She
is your sister and you've written horrible, disgusting things next
to her name. I don't know where you got that picture but it needs
to come down. I want a reply today.
Love,
Mom
This was my reply to my mother's polite request
Dear Mom,
You ever heard of the First Amendment? Why do you think I started
this website in the first place -- to speak my mind without censorship
from people with no sense of humor. Your friend Judy is a fat cow
who should mind her own business.
Scooter
In a message dated 10/28/02 9:21:12 PM,
carxxxx@aol.com writes:
Scott,
I don't need a First Amendment lesson,
thank you. This has nothing to do with the Consitution, it has to
do with decency. The language you use on this website is vulgar
and crass and you need to start showing more respect to me and the
rest of your family. Take the photo down immediately or you can
forget about me helping you with your Europe trip. I'd also like
you to stop saying things about Judy. She's always been very nice
to you and she even bought t-shirts from your website for her nieces.
Love,
Mom
I love my mother, but my rights are my rights and this website
is a group effort and somehow I just can't help antagonizing her
a little longer.
Dear Mom,
I can pay for Europe myself. I have credit cards! Seriously though,
I love you very much and Cindy too, but the picture is funny and
this is a HUMOR website. Get it? H-U-M-O-R.
Scooter
In a message dated 10/29/02 8:45:20 PM,
carxxxx@aol.com writes:
Scott,
I'm not interested in having this argument
any longer. You want to call your sister horrible names? Fine. You
want to embarrass everyone with this juvenile humor on your website,
fine. Do whatever you want. I won't say another word, but I really
hope you will think long and hard about whether this is the right
thing to do. I hope you decide to do the right thing, but I'm not
going to say another word about it.
Love,
Mom
THANK GOD!
Then I got another letter the next day. I should have expected...
In a message dated 10/29/02 10:56:40 PM,
carxxxx@aol.com writes:
Scott,
Judy happened to mention to me that it
is illegal to use copyrighted images on your website without permission.
You took those pictures from MY album. They are MINE and I want
them back right now.
Love,
Mom
A
couple of months ago we published an innocuous article titled Hand
Model Really Nails Audition. It wasn't our best article and
we all but forgot about it buried in archives. When we received
the following email a few weeks ago, I wasn't sure how I would handle
it. Sure I did, but at the same time I battled with my own conscience.
Was this the right thing to do? Would God be mad at me? Would readers
be appalled? The answers were so difficult and God never seems to
pay attention to me anyway, so I did what any egomaniacal editor
might do. I threw caution to the wind with the excuse that I did
it for you, the readers. So God, if you're listening, THEY made
me do it!
In a message dated 9/29/02 5:10:52 PM, cai_xxx@msn.com
writes:
Hi,
My name is Caila Bergstrom and I am very
interested in hand modeling. I have long fingers long nail beds
and no scars on my hands. I am 17 years old and trying to find an
audition or agency. If you could get back to me that would be great.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Caila Bergstrom
And here is my very sincere reply...
Hi Caila,
We would love to talk to you about hand modeling but could you
send us some pictures and tell us a bit more about yourself. We
would need that information to be able to proceed any further.
Thanks.
Scott H. Leva
Editor in Chief
http://www.bobfromaccounting.com
And then I got her response...
In a message dated 10/3/02 2:10:22 PM, cai_xxx@msn.com
writes:
Dear Sir,
I'm not sure what you want to know but I
think I have nice hands and my mother says I would make a great
model even though I'm still in school. I'll look for pictures right
away. Thanks!
Sincerely,
Caila Bergstrom
And then, Lord forgive me, I sent the following letter:
Hi Caila,
The pictures shouldn't be just of your hands but full body shots
(we'll crop them later). They don't have to be professional ones
-- in fact if you have a friend with a polaroid, that would be just
fine. The fingernail pictorial we're involved in is called "Slumber
party at girlfriend's house". Please try to make your photos
stick to this theme. (lots of jumping on the bed with your cutest
friends who are of course dressed appropriately for a sleepover
party) .The more girls the better!
And she actually replied. These letters are getting better than
Shizzys! Oh, the guilt. The guilt.
In a message dated 10/07/02 3:16:31 PM, cai_xxx@msn.com
writes:
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your reply to my letter about
hand modeling. I am very excited about possibly being a part of
your photo shoot but could you tell me why I would have to send
pictures of full body if I'm just modeling my fingernails. Also,
what kind of polish or coating should I wear. I don't have a good
camera I have one of those throw away cameras from Walgreens. Will
that work?
Caila
Okay, what should I do? What should I do. Remember, I'm doing
all this to warn others what can happen when someone takes advantage
of power...
Hi Caila,
Yes, any old camera will do. Please make sure your faces are covered
with pillowcases (we are trying to prevent bias by our advertisers)
Also, very good news here. We've recently acquired the Dairy Queen
Account, so this will require the addition of whipped cream in the
slumber party pictures. They have promised a one year supply of
Blizzards™ if you would cover your nubile young bodies with
some sort of whipped cream. Nuts are not required.
And she responds again...
In a message dated 10/08/02 1:45:03 PM, cai_xxx@msn.com
writes:
Dear Sir,
This sounds weird. I really think I should
get permission from my mom before I do this. I hope that's okay.
Sincerely,
Caila
I was not going to do another thing. I swear. Then I got this
letter FROM CAILA'S MOTHER a week later! I was, well...astonished.
In a message dated 10/14/02 08:18:52 PM,
abrot_xxx@msn.com writes:
Dear Mr. Leva,
I have heard from my daughter Caila that
you have been corresponding with regard to an upcoming slumber party
photo shoot you are having. You have to understand my daughter isn't
really interested in modeling and that's why she hasn't written
you back. I believe, however my daughter would make a simply fantastic
model and I'm trying to get her started now, while she's young and
doesn't make the mistake I made when I was her age. It's probably
too late for me now but maybe not. They always say "never too
late" right? Anyway, I took these photos a couple of years
ago of Caila. (she's really filled out since) I hope they're suitable
for your needs. Please keep this correspondence between us private,
as Caila isn't sure she wants to get involved. But I'm sure if she
gets picked, she will be just as excited as me.
Thank you for your consideration,
Amy Bergstrom
THEN THIS IS WHAT I GOT...(except without the blurred out faces
-- see, I have a soul)
 
I didn't reply to Caila's mom's letter and then, of course,
I happen to receive this last letter.
In a message dated 10/20/02 06:36:22 PM,
abrot_xxx@msn.com writes:
Dear Mr. Leva,
Since I haven't heard from you about Caila,
I will assume you're not interested. That's just as well, she's
busy with Lacrosse at school and of course boys and getting ready
to take the SAT (again!) But if you don't me asking, is it too late
for a somewhat older woman to get involved in modeling? I have a
really nice body that I take care of (I work out three days a week)
and my skin is clearer than Caila's. I know that I'm not 16 or 17
but there must be plenty of magazines and TV commmericals that use
people other than teenagers. Please let me know about this when
you get the chance. Also, I have taken acting lessons at the local
college last summer.
Thank you,
Amy Bergstrom,
P.S. This picture is a few years old also
but it's the best I could do without a professional photographer.
Hope it is okay.
PART 2 IN TWO WEEKS!
READ ABOUT THE LAWSUIT HERE!
I really can't stand religious fanatics. That's
why it's so much fun when they threaten our Constitutional rights!
Shizzy, our brave and tireless columnist, meant no harm by his emails,
but he truly felt there was rampant Satanic imagery throughout the
comic books and artwork posted at Jesusfun.com. Shizzy is very intuitive,
and if he says Satan inhabits Jesusfun.com, then I DEFINITELY believe
him. Now the publisher
of the site, known simply as Cap'n Veggie, is threatening to
sue us -- Below is our correspondence.
From: "Capn Veggie Link" <capn@jesusfun.com>JesusFun!
Comics
"For the Lord is righteous, HE LOVES JUSTICE;
upright men will see his
face." Psalms 11:7
cc: Legal File / Corporate Law Office / webmaster@jesusfun.com
Mr. Scott Leva,
Our corporate lawyer has informed me that your website hosted (URL)
by
register.com www.bobfromaccounting.com is in current violation of
at least
and not excluding two laws, one of which is a federal offence (Copywrite
infringement). I did not "SUBMIT" this information with
the intent for it
to be published to the public for viewing or submit it to you in
any
documented form for public viewing. You have made me and the material
an
unwilling participant in your documented harassment (see page
http://www.bobfromaccounting.com/shizzypage3.html)
and violated my rights by
doing such in a harassing nature.
I have a US. Federal copywrite on my Characters as well as a copywrite
on
their names and the name Capn Veggie Link as well.
This is a clear violation of law in addition to my rights under
law and we
will prosecute to the full extent therein. We ask that you immediately
and
without delay remove all posted emails that were posted on your
web site
without my permission with JesusFun!, JesusFun.com, Capn Veggie
Link or
emails from @JesusFun.com. If this email correspondence or any of
it's
content is posted online the local authorities will be contacted
and proper
legal steps will be taken.
Any delay in removing will be looked at as non-compliance and appropriate
steps will be taken to have it removed not ruling out the cancellation
of
your url registration under penalty of law violations clearly posted
on your
site currently for public viewing. The service I provide at JesusFun!
is
intended for children and not appropriate for adult humor publication.
I would like to settle this out of court if at all possible but
if pushed
will prosecute to the full extent of the law as my rights have been
clearly
violated.
I look forward to immediate action on this subject.
Peter Walker
JesusFun! Comics
www.jesusfun.com
capn@jesusfun.com
Dear Cap'n Veggie,
Thank you for going ahead and alerting the corporate law offices
at Jesusfun.com as you cc'd them in your previous email. It's truly
good to know that despite our hurting economy, a website like yours
can still afford to have its own corporate law office. By the way,
I really like Jesus too and it pains me to see you enlisting cartoon
vegetables to do Satan's handiwork.
No hard feelings,
Scott H. Leva
Editor in Chief
http://www.bobfromaccounting.com
From: "Capn Veggie Link" <capn@jesusfun.com>JesusFun!
Comics
We will start legal proceedings then first thing tomorrow morning.
I will also inform Register.com of your inaction which may result
in the
loss of URL according to their rules of conduct. Your harassment
will be
filed with the LAPD Internet division. In addition a FORMAL COMPLAINT
IS
FILED with register.com. See you in court....
Sorry,
Peter
Capn Veggie Link
>JesusFun! Comics
><http://www.jesusfun.com
Dear Capn Veggie,
That's understandable. I have requested the services of  
either William Kunstler or that other cool hippie lawyer
Gerry Spence-- You know the guy with the really neat fringe jacket
and the cowboy hat. I love that guy! I'm told that he takes cases
on a contingency basis when our holy freedoms are at stake.
Veggie Boy
http://www.bobfromaccounting.com
THEN I RECEIVED THE FOLLOWING EMAIL FROM ANOTHER WEBSITE. IT
TURNS OUT THAT CAP'N VEGGIE HAS DECIDED TO WRITE LETTERS TO ALL
THE WEBSITES WE'RE LINKED TO IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO KILL OFF
BOB FROM ACCOUNTING.
Hi Scott,
I run a little links site and added "Bob From Accounting"
as a humorous
link. Today I received this email below from some Jesus Freak who
apparently doesn't like you very much and is requesting that I remove
your
link. You're probably already aware of this, I found it a bit weird.
Mike
http://www.unclemikis.com
>From: "Capn Veggie Link" <capn@jesusfun.com>
>To: <webmaster@unclemikis.com>
>Subject: Bobfromaccounting.com link remove??
>Date: Thu, 1 Aug 2002 00:06:37 -0700
>X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook IMO, Build 9.0.2416 (9.0.2910.0)
>Importance: Normal
>
>Dear Mikis,
>You have a great website!
>I have a great sense of humor but this Bob site is just straight
illegal &
>bad news and I would remove him from your links on About.com
>Consider below information.....
(HE THEN ADDED HIS "LAWSUIT LETTER" FROM EARLIER)
>
>Thank you for your time and patience,
>
>Capn Veggie Link
>JesusFun! Comics
><http://www.jesusfun.com/>www.jesusfun.com
><mailto:capn@jesusfun.com>capn@jesusfun.com
>
> "For the Lord is righteous, he loves justice; upright
men will see his
> face." Psalms 11:7
 Hiya
Cap'n,
Unfortunately, Kunstler and Spence haven't returned my calls
so I'm going to have to find me a cheaper lawyer. I would try and
get F. Lee Bailey but apparently his law license has been suspended
in a couple of states. I sure hope you're not from Florida, Massachusetts,
New York, New Jersey, Maryland, Illinois or Pennsyvania. Also, do
you have a pic? It would really be helpful if you could supply us
with a photo for the flyers we're putting up in your neighborhood.
As far as taking down the column, Shizzy is very upset and threatened
that if I took it down he wouldn't be my bowling partner on Monday
nights and we just can't have that. Shizzy is so dang militant!
Veggie Boy
http://www.bobfromaccounting.com
THEN CAP'N JESUS -- I MEAN CAP'N VEGGIE WROTE ME AGAIN...
More harassment 'eh?
We both know you had no intention of taking down that information.
It's just a cheap shot. Like 5 cents cheap. I've come to expect
this though, so I'm not surprised. I will email the webmasters of
the sites that link to me, they know the drill. Your not the first
Christian basher ya know....again and always, no worries...
Speaking of worries, you sure are emailing a lot??? Hmmmmm?
Oh well, I'll not correspond with you anymore based on you constant
and boring, uncreative harrasment and your emails will be filtered
into shift delete land...Buh-Bye.
In His service,
Peter
Jesus Fun! Comics
www.jesusfun.com
"I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever." Isaiah
58:13
"Veggie Boy, ha, ha your first funny. (yawn)"
CAP'N VEGGIE THEN DECIDED TO DO A LITTLE DAMAGE CONTROL CLAIMING
THE EMAILS WE POSTED ARE BOGUS.
THANKFULLY, HE HAS RESCINDED HIS LAWSUIT THREAT, NOTING THAT
SINCE WE ONLY HAVE "25 HITS PER MONTH," IT WOULD SIMPLY
BE A WASTE OF HIS TIME. HE WENT ON TO SAY:
Then Mr. Leva emailed more of the same anti-Christian language
and threatening to post all the conversations we had privately (via
email) online with his alterations to make me sound like a mean
person of course (what a shock 'yawn'). He said, “This
way other Christian websites won’t link to JesusFun!.”
I THINK SOMEONE REPLACED HIS HOLY WATER WITH BONG RESIN. LYING
IS A SIN, CAP'N VEGGIE. I LEARNED THAT IN FIRST GRADE. HE CONTINUES...
He did so (in a nut shell: online slander). Some of you have
seen this and that is why you have come to this section of the website.
The emails posted on “Scott from Accounting’s” website
were "half truth" real and some of the sentences are the
same, some taken out of context but the majority of it is just altered
to make us look like the aggressor. NONE of his responses
were ever emailed to me, I think they are put online to just be
mean (shocked? no)& boost his low online traffic. If you
go back and read you can see his obvious anger in his own chosen
words I’m sure if you explore our website (JesusFun!) and/or
email me with your questions you’ll find me to be an easy going
dude with Jesus in my heart.
SO HOW DOES IT END? CAP'N JESUS SAYS THAT HE'S JUST A NICE GUY
AND WE MANIPULATED THE LETTERS. THE TRUTH:
EVERY EMAIL HE SENT US IS POSTED IN ITS SAD, DEMENTED ORIGINAL STATE,
WITH ZERO CHANGES. IT AMAZES ME HOW A MAN WHO HANDLES
RATTLESNAKES IN CHURCH CANNOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FANTASY
AND REALITY. BUT THEN AGAIN, THIS IS A GUY WHO SPENDS HIS DAY DRAWING
HOMOPHOBIC VEGETABLE SUPERHEROES.
THE SHAME HE MUST FEEL. 
SEND A QUICK EMAIL TO THIS ASSCLOWN
8.6.03 -
August
is upon us and that means the summer is almost over. I can look
back and think of all the goals I set for myself this summer and
come to the realization that I'm a giant, lazy failure. I didn't
go to the beach even once, even though I live 15 minutes away. That
means I didn't work on my tan or my abs and I'm no closer to publicly
taking off my shirt than I was in May. I didn't finish the screenplay
I've been working on for months. I didn't listen to an open-air
concert or go to any museums. I didn't have a whirlwind summer romance
with any beautiful Swedish "au pair", who would make all
my fantasies come true for three months with no consequences or
longterm commitments. This summer has been pretty unsuccessful if
I put it in those terms.
Here's what I did
accomplish: I watched seasons 1 & 2 of "The Simpsons"
on DVD, I sexually harassed Media
Whore (she's a babe), I discovered cheap wine at Trader Joe's
($2 Charles Shaw Merlot), I cleaned my closet and I spent $1500
to make my vintage Volkswagen Karmann Ghia go five miles per hour
faster.
I have now rewritten my goals for the last 4 weeks of summer since
I think I've been a bit too ambitious. I hope to: continue to sexually
harass Media Whore, sue my car mechanic, begin a whirlwind romance
with my Hispanic cleaning woman, who has really low standards I'm
told, and finally, I hope to spend the rest of the summer attempting
to match the beautiful olive color of my arms and neck to the rest
of my pasty body. Is that too much to ask? I think not. By the way,
season 3 of the Simpson's is released
on August 26. I can't wait.
7.23.03 -
For
the thousandth time, BFA summer hours means beaches, brothels and
infrequent updates. For people like our webmaster Sam, that means
despite being a computer geek/standup comic, he still managed to
get laid in Catalina. Congrats big guy.
As
for myself, I spent the last two weeks lamenting the fact that my
ex-girlfriend announced her engagement. The
only girl I have ever loved and who I successfully fooled into thinking
I was "boyfriend material" for more than 4 years before
she unceremoniously dumped me for some older man she was shacking
up with behind my back, is scheduled to get married in an outdoor
wedding in October. I
would post a link to the online notice from her local paper but
that would be indiscreet and
more importantly I found out she knows about this website. Too bad
she doesn't know she's destroyed me and the bitterness and anger
you read on these pages is a direct result of her ditching me for
some pinhead from Boston.
I can only take solace in the fact that his name is Ward.
The love of my life left me for a guy named Ward and though I can't
be certain, I'm pretty confident he proposed to her at a hockey
game.
I've
been told that I should consider crashing the wedding like in the
"The Graduate." I could. I mean I know where the wedding
is and when it is. I'm just the kind of person to undertake this
risky kind of challenge. Unfortunately, for some reason, ministers
and Justices of the Peace no longer ask "if anyone objects
to this marriage speak now or forever hold your piece" -- I
mean peace. Why would they take out the most important line
ever written for a marriage? No wedding guests or family members
can really beat the crap out of you if you scream out "I object!"
I mean for fuck's sake, you're just answering a question honestly.
It appears that this line is only reserved for movie clichés,
as a way to conveniently segway into the second act. That's a shame.
The alternative is to show up and hope to God she accidentally says
my name just like Ross did on that season finale of "Friends".
This is a real possibility. There would be plenty of room for error
when he grunts out his plagiarized and/or poorly-written vows. Did
I mention his name was Ward? I think he owns vending machines. I
hope his testicles explode.
The
more realistic approach is to just move on. To show how mature I
am and wish her well and not think about her ever again. That would
be the appropriate thing to do. I think I will just show up at the
wedding and tell her exactly that. I'm sure she will appreciate
how grown up I've become. And I shall pray for rain. Lots and lots
of rain.
Scooter
P.S. I am now available for dating.
Please email me.
Please...
Special Birthday Message
(with new "mom" letters below)
Hello,
my minions. First, I thought I would take the time to answer a question
I'm asked nearly every single day. Please
indulge me for a moment if you will. I've
been thinking about this question a lot in the anticipation of my
birthday (which is tomorrow - buy me a Sony Playstation) and the
inevitable phone calls from my parents who, like the emails from
fans-- will once again ask "The question." It goes something
like this: so Scott, is this really your full-time job? Then
the quick follow-ups in the form of: are you making any money? How
are you paying your bills?
Money? Money? You think I do
this website to make money? While many might chuckle, this website
is, perhaps one of the most important piece of internet real estate
out there. It can't be quantifiably measured like Ebay or Amazon.
Sure, we write humor and much of it is silly and sophomoric, but
there's a larger picture. A message for the masses. Something to
grab hold of and become an active participant in. Okay, maybe not
right now. You're not much of an active participant are you? I mean,
sure, you write letters and all that and very soon -- in a matter
of weeks, we will have a bulletin board. Did you hear what I said?
A BULLETIN BOARD. To
quote the words of the famous Marshall McCluhan, "The message
is the medium." Okay, I have no idea what that means, but I
do know this website is successful where television has failed.
Bob From Accounting is the "global village."
So when you ask me for the
100th time if this is my full time job, mom, the answer is a resounding,
undeniable YES.
While I appreciate your care and
concern, I am not Chelsea Clinton, nor do I want to be. I was not
just offered an...ugh $100,000+ starting salary right out of college.
Must every member of my family send me the clipping in the newspaper
as if just to rub in my face the fact that I, with my blue blooded
upbringing, have failed to measure up? My legacy won't be measured
in dollars and cents. When they find my near frozen, dead body next
to that park bench, they will say -- that's the guy who made a difference.
That's the guy who wasn't afraid to speak his mind. That's the guy
who loved politics, popular culture and fart jokes. That's the guy
who took a real actual person named Bob and turned him into an icon.
And when those permits are approved and The Million Bob March"
is on, you will see a million accountants and insurance salesmen
converging on the Capital, wanting to be heard. And I -- and mostly
Bob -- will take credit for that success. That is my legacy, mom.
So my birthday wish is that you stop
sending me the Chelsea-got-a-job clippings and the news of my brother's
promotion and start giving me the respect I deserve. Also, please
send a check. They're gonna turn off my phone on the 15th.
Scooter
MY PROM NIGHT
Prom. As millions of high school students
celebrate prom around the country, it got me thinking about my own
prom back in the days when I wanted to be Eddie Van Halen and I
wanted to date (gulp) Molly Ringwald. My date Kelly was no Molly
Ringwald. In fact, I barely knew her, but her friends began lobbying
me into asking her by early May, knowing full well that I was her
last, best chance. Okay, no biggie. Girls like that are MORE appreciative,
right? Plus, I don't mind hanging out with a group of friends and
having sex with a near stranger on the most special night of the
year. Unfortunately, because I didn't have the money for all the
luxeries of prom night, I did something that changed the course
of my life forever.
I returned my brand new Ibanez Roadstar
electric guitar to the store where I had just purchased it two weeks
earlier with money I had earned from gutting fish at the local grocery
store for 3 months. So that left me with a whopping $350 which I
thought would surely cover prom and a nice second-hand guitar, which
I had already picked out. After spending $50 on tickets and then
renting my tux ($50) and then being told I HAD to chip in for the
limo (my share: $100), then Kelly INSISTING we eat at the most expensive
restaurant in the city ($100) and every girl NEEDS a romantic carriage
ride afterwards ($50). Prom Total $350. I didn't have sex with a
near stranger that night. I didn't even make out during the carriage
ride. Kelly felt "sick to her stomach." Of course she
felt sick— she ate like a girl who had unsuccessfully dieted
for weeks in order to fit into a horrifying pink taffeta gown. Worst
of all, it was the last time I ever picked up a guitar. My rock
star destiny was stolen from me by some girl I barely knew and all
I have to show for it is a 4x6 photo and an ugly pink garter buried
in the back of a drawer somewhere.
So if anyone knows Kelly Rubin, could
you please tell her I'm waiting for my refund. I'm serious. That's
Kelly R-U-B-I-N. She's from the Chicago area. And while you're at
it, tell Eddie Van Halen he's one really lucky bastard. Really really
lucky.
BE SURE TO CHECK OUT THE PROM PHOTO
OF THE WEEK!
6.5.02
Dear Minions,
If you've read Bob's journal this week you'll see
that he's coming to Hollywood to sell his screenplay and then beat
the crap out of us for exploiting him so badly. We can't wait! Actually
that brings me to my exciting news. All that talk about Bob traveling
got us thinking. So, I am hereby announcing the Bob From Accounting
World Tour 2003. Beginning next week, we are selling locks of Bob's
luscious red hair to sponsors of our tour. For just $5, you will
receive a color picture of Bob, a lock of his hair and a certificate
of authenticity for said hair. If we can raise $100 from your town,
we're coming for a visit in our Winnebago. Get the barn dances ready!
More details to come.
Close
Encounters With Tony Danza
Okay, this is a reprint from the
newsletter, but don't expect this again. So sign up for the mailing
list and let me in your box! Okay, that didn't sound right.
Hi everyone. I've laid off on sending emails for awhile,
but boy do I have a funny story to tell you! Even if you hate our
website, you're sure to enjoy this one. But before I tell you what
happened to me the other night, let me just get this out of my system:
the site has been updated as we now do weekly, but PLEASE CHECK
OUT SHIZZY, our new columnist. He's sort of an equivalent of the
Jerky Boys but for the internet. Honestly, he writes the funniest
emails I've ever read. You'll thank me.
Anyway, here's my story--
Many of you know that we publish our website from
Los Angeles. I'm not an LA native and actually, have only been here
for a few years, but for those of you who have spent any time in
this town, it can often be...surreal. And no matter how long you're
here, you NEVER get used to it.
With that said, this past weekend I was driving home
from a date at about 11pm (yes, I date on occasion). I was in the
Sherman Oaks area and distracted by the thoughts of how badly I
just blew this date. I mean I REALLY made a total jackass out of
myself, but that's another story. So I'm wallowing in the misery
of this experience and I pull up to a stop light.
So I'm sitting there at the red light and from the
corner of my eye I could see someone gesturing to me in the next
lane. So I look over to see who's trying to get my attention and...
It's Tony friggin' Danza!!!!!
I do a triple take and try to figure out what he wants.
He points to my car and then me and then gives me the thumbs up.
He's mouthing "great car." I was flabbergasted.
For those of you who actually read the site, you'll
notice an almost weekly mention of Tony Danza, as he's sort of become
our celebrity mascot -- not by his choice of course. He's Bob's
favorite actor and we love him and all that, but well, we poke fun
at him just a lil bit. Okay, actually A LOT.
So in those seconds where he's rolling down his window
to ask me about my car, my mind is reeling as to whether I should
tell him about the site. He may ALREADY know about the site -- based
on this article we did a few months ago that got passed around town:
TONY
DANZA ARTICLE
So, I didn't say anything. Mostly because I didn't
have the chance. The light turned green and LA drivers like to really
lay on the horn when drivers are having conversations in the middle
of a busy intersection.
That's my story. Isn't it funny how strange life can be? Now I'm
on a mission to get Tony to do an interview for the site. If you
know him or any of his friends, give me a shout.
(By the way, I drive a mint 1970 Karmann Ghia, which
is not exactly a luxury car but it sure is perty!)
All My Best,
Scooter
Editor, http://www.bobfromaccounting.com/
5.4.02
Here's another Tony Danza update just days after the
first one. My friend Jonathan who happens to be a very talented
actor and magician, was at a charity event on the CBS studio lot
where he was doing card tricks for the guests. So when he sees Tony
Danza across the way, he calls me immediately (a lesson to all of
my minions). I tell him to go talk to him and GET ME AN INTERVIEW!
He goes up to Tony and begins a magic trick and Tony
just sort of walks away in the middle. He doesn't say anything,
just walks away.
"What a dick!" Not my quote, Jonathan's
quote
And so the quest continues...
10.9.02
Speaking
of actors with previous substance abuse problems and subsequent
detoxification and rehabilitation followed by long bouts of parental
estrangement, did I mention that I happened to meet Drew Barrymore
last week?? Sure, talking briefly with Tony Danza
was cool, but it was mostly a one sided conversation out my car
window. Well, in this case, I was sitting by myself at my favorite
Los Angeles watering hole known as "The Dresden" If you're
not familiar with the Dresden, which you probably aren't —
then go rent or purchase "Swingers."
Remember that bar scene in the movie where Jon Favreau is trying
to get a girl's phone number and Vince Vaughn tells him to pretend
the girl is a bunny rabbit so he'd have the courage to approach
her -- and then he ends up leaving like 18 messages on her answering
machine? That's the Dresden. Since it's right down the block and
I'm a raging alcoholic, I spend a lot of time there. And the bunny
trick doesn't work unless your really, really hammered. Just FYI.
So I'm about to go home and I go out the back door because I just
stiffed the bartender and I don't want him to see me leave —
and who walks in but that trampy, Tom Green-divorcing, David Letterman-flashing,
bi-curious star of "Poison Ivy." (I hope you didn't think
I was gonna say E.T. or Charlie's Angels). "Poison Ivy"
happens to be my favorite Drew Barrymore movie. She was smack dab
on the verge of becoming a porn star when that one came out and
unfortunately, she had to go and become famous again. Shit. Curiously
enough, "Poison Ivy II" is my favorite Alysa Milano movie.
Go figure.
Anyway, Drew came outside, she pulled out a cigarette and asked
me for a light. Thank God I had matches because I swear I was prepared
to build an Indian bow drill out of toothpicks and my shoelaces
right then and there. But as luck would have it, I did have a match,
and once again, my fire building merit badge went to waste.
Maybe it was because I was shaking, but Drew actually reached over
and GUIDED my hand to her cigarette. She touched it! I'll never
wash my penis again -- I mean my hand. Then suddenly before I could
tell her about my screenplay she would be absolutely perfect for
— the one her manager likely threw in the garbage two years
earlier — her female friend came out. Now it was the three
of us in a tight little smoking enclosure. Sure, the thought crossed
my mind that I was a third wheel, an outsider, an interloper, eavesdropping
on their private conversation, but then, remembering her wild sexual
proclivities which I read about weekly in US Magazine, the thought
crossed my mind I would be having sex with both of them that night.
I listened quietly and held my ground despite a certain awkwardness
-- the kind of awkwardness one feels when one is standing in close
quarters of two hot females and they still don't notice you or make
mention of your trendy JIHAD
SUCKS t-shirt.
My fantasies died quickly though, as Drew's new boyfriend —who
I was sure was some kind of drifter poet— came out in his wool
ski hat (it was 90 degrees outside) and made sure everything was
groovy. After making googoo eyes at my new girlfriend he slipped
back inside -- but not before mentioning that his band, "The
Strokes" had to get up early to rehearse their next gig. Finally,
it was just the three of us again. I didn't even have to crane to
hear Drew talk about how she really connected with him, even though
they've only known each other for 12 hours. She went on and on about
how she's a "first date kind of girl," wakes up every
morning and starts anew, refreshed, and ready to destroy some other
drifter poet in a ski cap.
While all this was going on, the two of them would occasionally
look up and stare at me -- probably wondering when I was going to
leave. Lucky again for me, I had a whole pack of cigarettes and
boy did I feel like smoking! I thought this is a perfect time to
say something clever — to make some profound statement on the
male perspective of relationships. Instead I lit her cigarette again.
She touched me again. I finally broke my silence with a witty comment
on first impressions and how they're often wrong — they looked
up and one of them said "huh?" I repeated myself, forcing
it out more emphatically this time, and following up with a esoteric
reason for my statement. And then I said, 'a
girl will only discover the real person the morning after the second
time she's had sex with him.' Surprisingly,
Drew was the first one to agree. Actually, she said something like
"yeah, I guess that makes sense." I was in! This gave
me the confidence I needed to really push for that three-way I knew
was in our future.
So I talked. They listened. They asked questions. I answered. They
listened more. Who the hell was I kidding, I thought. Then I realized
that Drew Barrymore is just a dumb actress and I'm an important
writer that oversees the most popular humor website on the internet.
I had them both intrigued. I was blowing a lot of hot air. Sort
of like now. Then suddenly they picked up their Coronas and headed
back inside, but not before inviting me back to their table...
Remember
that hilarious scene in the movie "Carrie" where those
mean high school kids dumped the pig blood on the freaky girl at
prom? Remember how afterwards she totally freaked out and started
killing everyone and then came home and killed her even-freakier
mom? For those of you who happened to catch the remake of "Carrie"
Monday night on NBC will understand what I'm talking about. For
those of you who have never seen the original, rent it. At first
I was shocked that a responsible network like NBC would air this
very scary movie during primetime hours when kids are watching.
I mean, sure it was brilliant of them to replace the Amy Irving
character with a thoughtful black girl surrounded by a sea of white
trash. That's always a good move. But when they made the already
horrifying climactic scenes even more violent and graphic, I immediately
thought of the kids. I know what you're thinking -- that I hate
children and I'm usually the source of their nightmares, so why
am I complaining now? Sure, this is true, but when a big, money
making television network does it, it's just not as funny. I scare
and torment young children for the pure, unabashed joy of it. See
the difference?
So
I was just about to write those network honchos a nasty letter they
couldn't possibly ignore, when, like a bolt of lightening, it hit
me -- "Carrie" is not just an adaptation of another adaptation
of a frightening Stephen King book from the early 1970's. It's much
more than that. In fact, I got to to thinking that NBC was doing
society a huge favor by airing this movie. You see, there is an
extremely valuable lesson in between all the blood and gore and
creepiness. And NBC was smart enough to see it: Children need to
learn — once their screaming, piss-in-their-pants nightmares
begin to subside in about six months— that you shouldn't mess
around with freaky people or they might turn around and kill you.
As much fun as it might be to throw tampons at the naked, menstruating
idiot in the high school lockerroom shower, you should instead give
that girl a hug and lovingly instruct her how to use the tampon.
That's what I would do if given the opportunity. If we took the
lessons of "Carrie" to heart we might not have a crazy
sniper or a bunch of school shootings or a deranged postal employee
or a million people named Mohammed that want to kill every one of
us.
Don't
you get it? Everything you need to know in life can be learned by
simply watching NBC's remake of the 1976 horror film adaptation
of Stephen King's first novel "Carrie." I'm sure glad
I watched it.
Scooter
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