October 14, 2004

Dear Friends,

I have been told that more than 2.5 million of you have visited my website since last Friday when I self-surrendered in the pre-dawn darkness to F.P.C. (Federal Prison Camp) Alderson in Alderson, West Virginia. I am touched by this outpouring of support.

The camp is fine; it is pretty much what I anticipated. The best news -- everyone is nice -- both the officials and my fellow inmates. I have adjusted and am very busy. The camp is like an old-fashioned college campus -- without the freedom, of course.

I'll be making postings now and then, but thank you for the concern and good wishes expressed in the thousands of emails you have recently sent to this website. I am also touched that supporters have already sent hundreds of letters to me at Alderson in my first week here.

Sincerely,

Martha Stewart

October 15, 2004

Dear Friends,

Okay, I lied. The truth is things are a bit difficult for me here at Alderson. The other inmates keep calling me "Fresh Fish," referring to my status as a newly-interned, uninitiated inmate. They also call me "Cunt". I've never been called that before by a stranger and it's very disconcerting. I suppose it's sort of like sorority hazing and eventually they'll warm up to me. I have found the best remedy to this kind of aggression is to smile and offer a friendly outstretched hand. Right now I'm covered in spit. Prison spit is difficult to describe but it's not entirely pleasant. I do have to go right now. I will try to write as I'm able.

Sincerely,

Martha Stewart

October 16, 2004

Dear Friends,

I'm happy to report that after one day I've already made a couple of new friends. They still refer to me as "Cunt," but they don't seem to be quite as angry when they say it. They briefly stopped spitting on me as well, but I think it's because I made a speech during lunch where I explained that I understand their initial mistrust of me and soon they would see that in many ways I am just like them. I said that I would love to get to know every single one of them individually and hoped we would become friends. I also let them know I wanted to be treated like any other inmate. I did not realize at the time that feces-hurling was a traditional welcoming gesture for new inmates. Sadly, I must wait until tomorrow to be allowed in the showers. It's the small things we need to look forward to.

Sincerely,

Martha Stewart

October 17, 2004

Dear Friends,

After my second delousing procedure, I was allowed to finally take a shower. Needless to say, showering with other women is difficult to get used to. It seemed like everyone's eyes were upon me during what is usually such a private moment. I suppose it's just shyness but when 12 other women are pointing and saying mean things about your genitalia, it can be very hurtful. I tried very hard to remain composed. I smiled and laughed along with their jokes. This is how I handle my everyday non-prison life and I know that it will work here as well. It may take some time for me to be accepted here at Alderson, but I'm sure it will happen eventually. I am excited that tomorrow I will be given my work assignment. I'm hopeful that it will help make the days more interesting and go by quicker.

Sincerely,

Martha Stewart

October 18, 2004

Dear Friends,

I have finally gotten my first work assignment. I can't say I'm terribly pleased but I am in prison and there aren't a lot of choices. I submitted forms explaining I would prefer to work in either the garden, the kitchen or the prison library. Based on my lifelong work in those areas, I felt that I could really do a great job and help other inmates as well. One prison guard (Officer Stella) told me I was on "shitter patrol" until further notice and if I didn't like it, I could "suck her dick" I just don't understand the language here. I tried nicely to explain that it wasn't one of the top three preferences I submitted, but she didn't seem to care much. So "shitter patrol" it is. Just like everything else in life, I will do my best. I think there are a lot of things I can do to improve the latrines in this prison if she would only give me some soap, a mop and a double-sided scrubbing brush.

More later.

Sincerely,

Martha Stewart

Dear Friends,

I'm a bit sad to report that Stella the prison guard appears to already want to make an example of me. She seems to delight in saying mean things and dunking my head in the toilet or pushing me down the stairs. The other inmates are noticing this and expecting me to stand tough and not be a coward. They are now calling me a "Scaredy-Cunt" instead of just "Cunt." I really wish they didn't have to use such vulgar language. My name is Martha, not "Scaredy Cunt" or "Potpourri Cunt" or "Richy Rich Cunt." I don't want to make trouble after only being in prison a short time, but I'm told that I will lose respect of the other prisoners if I don't stand up for myself. During dinner, the guard stuck her fingers in my mashed potatoes and then proceeded to smear them all over my crotch area. I wasn't sure how to handle this because all the other inmates were watching. I tactfully said, "what is your problem, lady?" I was trying so hard to act like the other prisoners. Then the guard replied that she wanted to see me lose my "famous temper." I tried to explain that it was a myth. I treat everyone I know with kindness and respect. When I am accused of being tough it's only because I'm tough on myself and expect others to work as hard as I do.

No matter what mean things she says or does to me, I will not lose my temper. I will not let spiteful people get the best of me. Not ever.

Sincerely,

Martha Stewart

October 20, 2004

Dear Friends,

That fat bitch! Needless to say, I lost my temper a little a bit and threatened to tell the warden and get Officer Stella fired. Then she punched me in the face and the all the other prisoners just went nuts. Everyone was screaming "kill her, kill her" and it took me a few seconds to realize they were talking to ME and not the guard. I didn't have any weapons and I certainly wasn't going to kill her, but I did act tough and take a defensive yoga stance until the other guards grabbed me and dragged me back to my cell. Now, I'm off to "the hole."

I really feel for the first time I belong!

Sincerely,

Martha Stewart

October 27, 2004

Dear Friends,

I apologize for the lack of communication during the past week, but as you know, I spent my first time in "the hole" for being involved in a minor prison altercation. The hole is much like a prison version of a "time out," and, as always, I was determined to make the best out of what appeared to be a bad situation. To me, "the hole" was not just a cement-lined vault filled with the uncirculated stench of a thousand women who proceeded me, it was a place for solitude and reflection. A time to take stock of my life and figure out what I may have done wrong or who I may have hurt along the way. After about five minutes of that, I spent the rest of the time combing my hair and having a conversation with a pile of rat droppings, crudely constructed into a bust of Larry King. Even in prison, creativity cannot be stifled.

Sincerely,

Martha Stewart

October 28, 2004

Dear Friends,

While I'm happy to be out of "the hole", I realize I have many new challenges to face, as I'm attempting to get in the good graces of both the guards and the prisoners after such a shaky start. My cellmate is a very nice African-American woman and she's trying very hard to help me acclimate to prison life, while appearing to "own me" among the other inmates so that she may protect her reputation. We have long talks and play board games after lightsout. While many of you have written me that you are concerned about the possibility of prison rape, this kind of behavior does not happen at a place like Alderson. Here the vagina is used less frequently for sex and more often as a convenient place to hide your Scrabble tiles.

Sincerely,

Martha Stewart

October 29, 2004

Dear Friends,

I'm sad to report I woke up this morning and realized someone has stolen my Scrabble tiles.

Best wishes,

Martha Stewart

October 30, 2004

Dear Friends,

Apparently, I've been the talk of Alderson since my confrontation with Officer Stella. I have tried my best to keep a low profile here but now people are wagering on who will get stabbed first. I could never imagine being angry enough to stab someone, even during shitter patrol when someone urinates on my freshly washed floors. I am thankful that my cellmate has provided me with a "shiv", which is very sharp homemade prison knife and considered illegal contraband. I feel terrible that I must resort to carrying a concealed weapon. Plus, it really hurts when I walk.

Sincerely,

Martha Stewart

October 31, 2004

Dear Friends,

Today is Halloween and as most people know, it is one of my favorite times of the year. Normally I would be busy preparing a child's costume or a ghoulish window decoration, but here in prison there is no trick-or-treating, no cookie-making and no costumes. I tried to convince everyone that it would be fun to dress up, but then a huge fight broke out when everyone on my cellblock wanted to be Rosie O'Donnell. Why can't we all just get along?

Sincerely,

Martha Stewart

November 2, 2004

Dear Friends,

Not much to report today except I experienced my first kill. She deserved it.

Best wishes,

Martha Stewart

November 25, 2004

Dear Friends,

Here in prison we only earn about 15 cents per hour for our work detail, which is just fine because money is pretty useless here. Everything in prison is done in trade. .Just the other day, I traded three candy bars for a pack of cigarettes, and since I don't smoke, I turned around and traded the cigarettes for something called a rimjob. I assume this has something to do with helping me clean the toilet bowl, which will be a great help, since I'm still on shitter patrol. See, there are so many benefits to not smoking!

Sincerely,

Martha Stewart

December 4, 2004

Dear Friends,

I'm very excited that my daughter will be visiting me today. I've been talking about her nonstop with the other inmates and they really seem excited to meet her. I know that my daughter is worried that prison will change me somehow and I might become more violent or mean, but that's just silly. I tried to tell her I'm exactly the same person I was before entering prison, but I don't think she believed me because she curled up into a fetal position on the floor and babbled something about wire hangers. God, I really miss her.

Sincerely,

Martha Stewart

Dec. 8, 2004

Dear Friends,

I had my second kill before lunch today. After which, I was finally invited to pledge a gang. Right now I'm learning towards the Daughters of Hitler, but I'll let you know what I decide.

Thanks again for your support,

Martha Stewart

January 10, 2005

Dear Friends,

I must apologize for my lack of communication during the past couple of months. As always, I have really tried to keep myself busy to make the time here go by faster. I sincerely hope you had a wonderful holiday season with your family and loved ones. I had the good fortune of being involved in a Christmas decorating contest which you may have read about in the media. I came in second place and I was proud of that honor. Unfortunately, the woman who won the contest has been "punished" by a rival gang. I would like to state unequivocally that I had nothing to do with her injuries and I did not hold her down and sodomize her with prisonyard potpourri, as I was accused. Apparently, the Daughters of Hitler were just watching my back, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Best wishes,

Martha Stewart

January 15, 2005

Dear Friends,

I'm happy to report things are going fine for me at Alderson. I'm reading a lot, doing chores and learning to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. I have made many new friends and have taken on a role as leader on my cell block. People look to me for answers and I do my best to provide them. Sometimes I have to hurt people, but just like with my daughter, I always explain WHY I'm doing it. It makes the pain just a tad more bearable.

Best wishes,

Martha Stewart

January 18, 2005

Dear Friends,

Being a leader here in prison can be difficult. I have to appear tough and angry sometimes in order to earn respect. Last week a "fresh fish" was introduced on our cell block and it was my task to work her over with the broom handle. While I'm proud that they have come to respect me enough to take charge of these kinds of activities, I still had my doubts. Those feelings of insecurity and wanting to be liked never leave no matter how successful you are! So I did my best and as the guilt set in and my arm began to tire, I thought of my college days in the sorority and how years from now, I would only remember the happy times and not the ugly memories. By the way, in case you were wondering I used the same technique with the broom handle that I use when churning butter at home. See, my butter churning skills were not wasted, even in prison!

Best wishes,

Martha Stewart

January 28, 2005

Dear Friends,

Officer Stella is up my ass again. I don't know what that bitch's problem is but she has it in for me. Every single day, she calls me into the middle of the common room, makes me strip naked and does a cavity search in front of everyone. Obviously, I can no longer carry illegal contraband on my person and so I must rely on my cellmate to hide all my personal property. It's sort of having a giant black purse that follows me around, except I have to ask permission everytime I need a cigarette and you know how I am about germs.

Best wishes,

Martha Stewart

February 10, 2004

Dear Friends,

In less than one month, I will be leaving prison and I couldn't be happier. As many of you have read, I will be working very closely with Mark Burnett, the successful producer of Survivor and The Apprentice, on a new show that will feature me reacclimating to life outside the walls of Alderson Penitentiary. For six months I will be under house arrest, which simply means I will be stuck in my 20,000 square foot Connecticut estate. There will be no shitter patrol, no laundry duty and no public cavity search unless I want to do it, which I highly doubt.

Just a couple more weeks of staying out of trouble and I'm home free..I have to go now, Officer Stella is greasing up her forearm and looking very angry.

Best wishes,

Martha Stewart

February 18, 2004

Dear Friends,

I just spent one more week in the hole because of a little altercation with Officer Stella during a routine cavity search. When she found a hidden bottle of imported olive oil she started beating me in the head with her baton. As a reflex, I found myself suddenly grabbing the bitch's hair and shoving her face in the toilet. Martha don't play that shit. Of course, when the other inmates saw this, they began to chant "kill, kill kill" just like a few months ago. Again, I wasn't sure who they meant, but when I realized they meant Officer Stella, I felt emboldened. I didn't kill her because I only have a few weeks left to my sentence but I'm pretty sure I did some intestinal damage. Unfortunately, I never got a chance to try the olive oil.

Best wishes,

Martha Stewart

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