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When I saw the previews for
“13 Going on 30,” I got a flashback of every personality
exchange movie from “Trading Places” to “Big”
to “Freaky Friday.” More surprisingly, for such
a seemingly dumb idea, the anticipation surrounding the movie
by the female population was palatable. Whilst trying to pick
up chicks with my smooth "Craptastic Movie Reviewer"
credentials at the neighborhood bar, I found out the girlies
were really excited about seeing Jennifer Garner in her first
starring role on the big screen. So was I, but I hoped it
would be more like an NC-17 version of "Lady Chatterley's
Lover" —but set in outer space. I like space chicks.
At any rate, I saw the previews, I experienced the endless
media onslaught, and I watched a 13-year-old girl interview
Jennifer Garner on the Ryan Seacrest show. Sickening, I thought.
Totally sickening. Not only does the movie encourage women
to force their boyfriends to sit through this crapulence,
but Jennifer Garner’s 13-year-old naiveté made
me question my own lascivious and depraved feelings for her
tight little body— sans the baggage and bitterness of
most single 30-year olds I try to date. And the last time
I fooled around with a 13-year-old…I was 19. But I digress.
I was planning on avoiding this movie, hoping beyond hope
that the editor wouldn’t “fag out” and ask
me to review it. Then he did. To make a short story long,
he wasn’t really “fagging out" as much as he
was pandering. Did you know BFA has a female demographic?
Me neither. Hi foxy mommas! I’m now going to review this
movie for YOU! Here goes:
Struck by terminal teenage awkwardness, Jenna Rink (Jennifer
Garner) wants more than anything else to be part of the in-crowd.
She has a good heart, but in the course of her social climbing,
she is humiliated at her own birthday party, causing her to
wish she was “30, flirty and lovin’ it.” With
the help of some wishing dust (I like to call it cocaine),
given to her by her best friend Matty (Matt Ruffalo), Jenna
wakes up the next day, 30 years old and living in Manhattan.
She’s the editor of a hip but struggling fashion magazine.
She’s dating a professional hockey player but boning
married guys on the side. She only cares about herself and
would step over her own mother to get what she wants. In essence,
she gets her wish: she’s a shallow, conniving little
bitch.
However, her implanted pubescent attitude about life and morality
guides her through the corporate jungle, through her personal
demons and, above all, love. That’s when it happened:
I passed gas. What does that have to do with anything? Nothing.
I just find that it happens at inappropriate times.
Anyway, after the smoke cleared, I was crying. It was something
more powerful than a steak burrito. It was compassion. And
an erection. Jennifer Garner’s nipples are really pointy
in this movie!
I realized in this crazy, mixed-up world and in our hurry
to get to the top of career pile, sometimes we forget who
we are and what’s really important. Personally, I’ve
been struggling with my own identity—a brash movie critic
or a sensitive, caring sociopath who wears the mask of misogyny
because he’s too shy to reveal his true self? You decide.
I, too, have tried to climb the career pile, having people
tell me I’m not talented or I’ll never know what
it’s like to be a woman. And yet, I persevered. Those
people never knew I plagiarized other people’s work or
that I enjoy lying in front of a mirror with my pee-pee tucked
between my legs. The point is: we all have to figure out who
we want to be.
Most of all, the movie made me think about the possibility
of true love. It made me realize that, mmmm mmm…I
needs a woman. Preferably someone who completes
me, but I’ll settle for someone who puts out. Therefore,
if you live in the Chicagoland area, or will be in the Chicagoland
area for a [very] brief period of time, like longs walks on
the beach, Black Sabbath, conversations about your feelings
while I pretend not to stare at your chest, feel free to send
me an email. I’m 30, squirrely and totally single. Go
figure.
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Above:
Jennifer Garner and Judy Greer in a movie forced upon me by
my editor. I would never review a movie like this if I wasn't
threatened. Honestly.
SEND THIS ARTICLE TO A FRIEND!
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