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After what seems like the 50th
girl in six months to have dumped me by saying I am “grossly
insensitive," that I lack “the most basic social
skills” and that I have the “sense of humor of a
two-year old," it only seemed appropriate that I review
the latest Adam Sandler movie.
It turns out the movie was pretty good, pretty funny and somewhat
romantic. That's if you like Adam Sandler. If you don't care
for him, then it's a crappy, formulaic mess and you're dumber
for having shelled out nine bucks to see it.
Adam Sandler plays Henry Roth, a veterinarian at a sea park,
who seduces mainland tourists, and whose penis lives on a
sexual diet of one-night stands. He also has ambitions of
going to Alaska to study the habits of Pacific-water sea walruses.
Henceforth and heretofore, he doesn’t want to get “tied
down." Most women would refer to this behavior as “fear
of commitment." Most men refer to it as “paradise."
I refer to it as “common sense."
Anyway, one sunny Hawaiian day, Henry meets a local girl named
Lucy (Drew Barrymore), with whom he exchanges a flurry of
witty banter and a reoccurring joke about his hands smelling
like fish. For those who have not seen Groundhog’s
Day and Memento, the plot is simple: Lucy has no
short-term memory as a result of an accident. She wakes up
every morning with a clean slate, remembering everything up
to the day that she had her accident. Don’t think about
it too much, because it starts to sound “unrealistic."
Whatever. Oh, and Lucy’s situation is irreversible.
Or is it, asks the powers of love and persistence?
Henry decides to win Lucy’s heart everyday, in vain attempts
for her to remember him the following day. At first, Henry
continually tries to pick her up, with varied results—
sometimes it goes well, sometimes it doesn’t. One time,
to avoid his advances, she started speaking Chinese, which
is funny because Drew Barrymore is Korean.
Anyway…most of the time, Lucy finds Henry to be adorable,
so they have breakfast together and build houses and teepees
out of a plate of waffles. Unfortunately, every single girl
in America is now going to whine, “I want a guy who will
build waffle houses with me.” This is why I hate Adam
Sandler.
At first, Lucy’s father, Marlin (Blake Clark), and brother,
Doug (Sean Astin), don’t like Henry hanging around, but
come to realize that Henry isn’t just another guy looking
for a one-night stand. They even let him make jokes about
Doug’s chronic steroid abuse and persistent nocturnal
emissions. No sir, he’s an upstanding member of the community,
willing to sacrifice everything for Lucy. Which seems unrealistic,
because she’ll never remember what the hell he does,
so then he won’t be able to rub her nose in his “sacrifices”
when his life turns to the inevitable shitpile every man’s
life becomes when he gets into a relationship. I don’t
mean that to be cynical. I’m just saying—chicks
ruin everything.
Eventually, every morning, Henry explains to Lucy that they
are, in fact, dating. And how much he loves her. And how they
met. And how he lures her into his lair each and every day,
doing things she will never remember, and acting like an asshole
just to impress her. Nevertheless, Lucy’s emotions aren’t
bound by the limits of memory, so eventually they start doin’
it.
Somewhere in the mix is Ula (Rob Schneider), the pot-smoking
Hawaiian with a cloudy eye, fifteen kids and a monstrously
obese wife. See? That guy’s the window into reality,
because that’s what really happens. Honestly, I don’t
know why this guy was in the movie, but he did make me laugh.
Note to self: hire washed up sidekick.
Besides some annoying hit or miss jokes, there are some relatively
amusing moments in this movie, and the chemistry between Drew
Barrymore and Adam Sandler is undeniable.
But does it really matter? It opened at $40 million. That
can buy a lot of waffles.
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Above:
Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler in 50 First Dates
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