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When I first heard the title,
"Alien vs. Predator," I thought for sure this was
about an alien battling a mysterious entity known only as
the “Pre-dater”—a humanoid capable of pre-dating
people’s checks before appropriate funds are available,
or predating the milk carton, causing us to throw out milk
before we get its full value. I thought, there's no way anyone
would have the nerve to meld that really cool movie franchise
starring Sigourney Weaver and that other one with Ah-nold
and Apollo Creed.
Well, Hollywood found a way. Apparently, this script has
been floating around movie studios for more than a decade.
Turns out, it's not that hard to find a way for these two
monsters to battle it out.
Unbeknownst to the earth, there is an underground hunting
arena in Antarctica, where Predators hunt Aliens. No seriously.
What better place to be than Antarctica? Fortunately for Earth,
a benevolent billionaire discovers the existence of this underground
hunting arena and must hire the best team available to explore
it, all of whom need vast amounts of money, which doesn’t
exactly make me feel like they’re the best at anything.
Of course, the group has a chick leader and other sassy side
characters. And of course, the humans have sticky creepy-crawlies
stuck on their faces, get disemboweled from the inside out
and generally get scared a lot while making pretty stupid
decisions.
That reminds of a joke. An archaeologist (Raoul Bova), a
chemical engineer (Ewen Bremner), a billionaire (Lance Henriksen)
and an environmentalist ice-guide (Sonaa Lathan) walk into
a sacrificial chamber. When an alien busts through the floor
and kills the chemical engineer, the archaeologist says, “Hey
alien-buddy, why the long face?” That’s not funny.
Of course, as it always happens, the team gets separated.
The archaeologist hits on the ice-queen and she kind of likes
him too, but not too much. Everyone gets killed except for
the ice-queen. Some of the people become hosts for the aliens,
so we got that going for us, which was nice. And finally,
the ice-queen hooks up with a Predator to defeat the aliens.
By the way, the Predator’s mouth looks like a vagina
with teeth. Seriously. If that's not scary, I don't know what
is.
The plot seems like it is based on a late-night conversation
between sci-fi stoners, and just about as well-conceived.
The fight scenes are filmed with weird angles and quick cuts,
hiding the sparse special effects and making it difficult
to really see anything. And in order to finally get to the
fights scenes, the audience is forced to tolerate horrible
dialogue and insipid characters. Still, the movie has its
appeal among young males and IT professionals. I'm guessing
the nobody in the audience has ever kissed a girl. Not many
movies can accomplish that kind of sweeping demographic appeal.
Instead of seeing this movie, I would recommend renting the
original "Alien" and "Predator," then
melting the face of one GI Joe action figure and putting dreadlocks
on another.
Or better yet, you can go see "Vanity Fair." That's
where all the girls are, dumbfucks.
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Above:
"Alien vs. Predator
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