|
If you happen to come across
a trailer that is rocking back and forth in a rhythmic fashion,
do not knock on the door. This is the piece of information
that I gleaned by watching Big Fish, the new film by
Tim Burton, written by John August, based on the book by Daniel
Wallace.
Usually, if the aforementioned trailer is rocking, it is probably
because an act of coitus is taking place within its aluminum
walls. However, since Big Fish is Tim Burton’s
attempt at a family friendly movie (the closest thing we get
to sex in this film is two fully-clothed members of the A.A.R.P.
sharing a bath), there was no sex in said trailer. Instead,
what was making the ruckus was an angry werewolf that really
just wanted to play fetch.
The werewolf turns out to be Danny DeVito, which should come
as no surprise. On some level, we all knew that there was
no way that this pint-sized swarthy Jerseyite could be fully
human. However, since most werewolves don’t wear pants,
when DeVito returns to human form the next morning, the audience
is treated to a nice shot of his hairy ass. I had no idea
that a man that small could have an ass that large. This shot
of DeVito’s ass is just one of the miss-steps that director
Burton took in this film. DeVito may have had a relatively
small role, but that ass is going to stay with me for a long,
long time.
Big Fish tells a story of a storyteller. Ewan McGregor
and Albert Finny play Ed Bloom, an egotistical blowhard of
a man who likes to make shit up. Throughout the course of
his life, Bloom has caught the largest catfish in Alabama,
stared down a witch, made friends with a giant, defeated half
of the North Korean army, charmed the pant off of a pair of
Siamese Twins, and got a good look at Danny DeVito sporting
morning wood. It is unclear which of these stories are true,
which are exaggerations, and which are flat-out lies. (The
Danny DeVito erection one has got to be true; what sort of
sick freak would want to make that one up?)
What is also unclear is why Ed Bloom feels the need to tell
these tall tales. My guess is that he was just disgusted by
how ordinary his life really was. “I was just too big
for this small town,” he exposits, early in the film.
So, he goes off into the world to seek his fortune. He uses
every bit of cunning and wile he has in order to achieve his
goal of becoming… a traveling salesman. Which is, as
we all know, the career of a truly great man. Just ask Arthur
Miller. In reality, Bloom’s tales reek of the desperation
of a teenaged girl trying to convince you how “wild and
crazy” she and her friends are. Drinking tequila shooters
and dancing on a table to Enrique Iglesias songs does not
make you wild and crazy. What it does is make you pathetic
with a desperate need to be the center of attention. Trust
me; I know of which I speak.
The only person who isn’t automatically charmed by Ed
Bloom’s spinning of tall tales is his son, played as
an adult by Billy “Golden God” Crudup. Estranged
from his father after a toast went on too long at his wedding
dinner (“It’s my night,” Crudup whines.) Crudup
is called back to Alabama in order to mend the rift with his
father, before the old man succumbs to cancer. Of course,
this means that Crudup has to endure the same stories that
he heard all throughout his childhood. While everyone else
in the film chuckles with admiration when being forced to
listen to these stories, Crudup squirms with embarrassment,
which seems to me to be the normal reaction. Maybe deep in
my heart I’m still that same jerky teenager who is ashamed
to be seen with his parents, but I don’t think that prom
night is the time to have your father regale your girlfriend
with stories of the time that you were born. The movie tried
to make me see that these stories, and in turn their storyteller,
are charming and full of cracker-barrel wisdom. To me they
just seemed to be the rantings of an egotistical blowhard
determined to impress. In other words: an asshole.
Another thing that I learned from watching Big Fish:
you are the only person who is embarrassed by your parents.
You know that thing you mother does? That… thing? That
thing that’s been pissing you off ever since you’ve
been old enough to sulk in your room and write bad poetry?
Everyone else thinks that it’s charming. This is the
case for every annoying thing that your parents do. Everyone
loves it when your mother gives you grief for not being married.
Everyone loves it when your father tries to imitate today’s
rap stars. Everyone but you.
|
|
Above:
Ewan McGregor as Ed Bloom in "Big Fish"
SEND THIS ARTICLE TO A FRIEND!
|
|
