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Holy shit, that was cool.
When I got to the movie theater, I saw this dude running to
catch his friends. As he was calling attention to himself
by yelling and waving, he tripped and fell on the tile floor
of the lobby. I mean, he fell hard. It sounded like someone
had been smacked on the ass with a wooden paddle—frat
style. Every person who heard the sound stopped moving. Every
person who actually saw him fall down breathlessly waited
to see if he was okay. The guy was on the floor for, like,
thirty seconds. Across the lobby of the movie theater, I saw
one particularly worried young lady reach for her cell phone.
As she began to dial 911, the guy on the floor jumped up without
a mark on him, and ran into the theater, hiding his face.
Then the laughter started. And it continued into the night.
Ha-ha, loser!
Then I saw a big Hollywood disaster movie called "The
Day After Tomorrow, which happened to do really well at the
box office this past weekend. It was second only to "Shrek
2," and everyone knows you can’t stop Shrek, you
can only hope to contain his painfully aggravating Scottish
accent. Don’t get me started.
If you don't know the plot, "The Day After Tomorrow"
is a very, very realistic story centering around the idea
that another ice age is on the way (possibly sponsored by
Mountain Dew because it was totally extreme) and everyone’s
gotta make choices. Cue voiceover: "WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO DO WHEN MOTHER NATURE GOES APESHIT ON YOU?"
Jack Hall (Dennis Quaid) plays a saucy climatologist who discovers
a warming trend and predicts the arrival of another ice age.
The thing is, his calculations show its arrival in, like,
a thousand years. Turns out, the ice age was moving very quickly
for your run-of-the-mill ice age. And wouldn’t you know
it? Jack’s brilliant son, Sam (Jake Gyllenhal), is trapped
in Manhattan when the shit hits the fan. Of course, Jack has
always been a busy climatologist and he seizes the opportunity
to hike from Washington, D.C. to New York City to save his
son.
What I really paid to see was a CGI extravaganza with actors
in it, and that's exactly what I got. The CGI effects were
realistic and quite frankly, it was worth it to see that Lady
Liberty chick get smacked by a 2,000-foot tidal wave. Come
on, dude, I love America as much as the next guy, but the
Statue of Liberty has had it coming for awhile now, what with
her sanctimonious glare and all. She’s so self-righteous.
French bitch.
Let’s be honest, "The Day After Tomorrow" is
a disaster flick and I didn’t go see it expecting some
kind of Laurence Olivier performance, nor did I expect to
be moved to tears by the poignant, but inevitable death scenes.
All I really expected was an excuse to destroy a lot of shit,
while at the same time attempting to ignore the morbid irony
of horrific disaster which actually took place in the New
York just a few years ago.
There were side romances and stuff, but nothing worth mentioning.
No breasts were shown and the male characters actually had
to act like they had feelings for the chicks. If you really
want to see tits, go see "Shrek 2."
In the end, you get what you pay for and nothing more. Turn
your internal expectation knob down as far as you can and
enjoy the ride. Or if you just want to see stuff get destroyed,
turn your expectation knob up…almost all the way up!
If all else fails, trip some asshole running through the
movie theater lobby. That’s good entertainment too or
so I've heard.
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