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I can see why everyone hates
Michael Moore. As soon as I entered the movie theater, I was
welcomed by a line longer than the shores of Kennebunkport.
The man is obviously a hazard to society, creating a movie
that draws that so many people to one theater. What about
localized overpopulation? Obviously, this documentary is part
of a convoluted plot to gather Americans at shopping malls
and small independent movie theaters for the benefit of the
commie-pinko terrorist organization, located here in the United
States. You see, as people gather at centers of commerce to
see this movie, they aren’t spending money on the beneficent
corporate organism (Why organism? Because greed is natural!).
Therefore, if a person stands in line for this movie the terrorists
have won. Oh yes…and Michael Moore is a terrorist too.
Luckily for me, my daddy bought me my tickets.
But this story has a personal side as well. I have personally
felt the damning wrath of Michael Moore’s tyranny. I
remember that the concession line was also so very long. Parched
with thirst and aching with hunger, I approached the counter
hoping to find sustenance. But the lower middle-class, pock-faced
lackey who greeted me would have none of it. First, he asked
me what I wanted. Isn’t it obvious, dear sir? I want
freedom and equality for people in the highest social strata
of the United States. And a bottle of Evian. The boy told
me they had sold out of bottled water, what with the huge
success of Fahrenheit 9/11 and all. Again, Michael Moore’s
maniacal grasp on America left me in awe. There is no water!
The man is not only a terrorist, but he has managed to ruin
the environment as well!
With ticket in hand, I entered the dark, mysterious theater,
unsure what to expect. Would these raging liberals try to
disorient me with their hacky-sacks and marijuana smoke? Would
an orgy spontaneously break out in the middle of the movie
or would they fling their feces at each other in some bizarre
ritual only superliberals are privy to. I knew not the environment
I entered. Rest assured, if my friends at the yacht club could
have seen me, they’d have welcomed me home to a hero’s
parade. The lights dimmed, the previews ran and the feature
ran its course.
I’m not sure what else to say.
Unfortunately, I have nothing humorous or sarcastic to say
about Fahrenheit 9/11. Well, actually I do, but I don’t
have it in my heart to say it. Therefore, I will say this
one thing: go see this movie. Whether or not you agree with
the Bush Administration and its actions in Iraq, each American
should see this movie, because every American will find something
that will either enrage or enlighten. You might ask, “A
movie can do all that?” Yeah, I guess so.
While of the information presented in Fahrenheit 9/11 is
not new information—we've read stories in magazines about
the Bush family’s connections to Saudi Royal Family or
heard some really interesting accusations about the attacks
on September 11th. Whether or not they are valid or just circumstantial
arguments, Michael Moore has at least done us a favor and
gathered all the information and presented it in a format
that anyone can understand. He also had the courtesy to splice
in scenes from "Bonanza," which is a great trick.
He also included a clip of John Ashcroft singing some god-awful
song named, “Let the Eagle Soar,” which was by far,
the creepiest part of the entire movie.
So, what about the people who think Michael Moore not a documentarian,
but an overweight propaganda machine pushing his paranoid,
conspiracy-laden liberal agenda? Go see the movie.
The fact of the matter is there is no truly reliable source
of information in the United States. I cannot say that everything
presented in Fahrenheit 9/11 is true, and I can certainly
say it would be painfully naïve to believe that everything
is completely true. Nevertheless, the information presented
in Fahrenheit 9/11 deserves the common courtesy to be viewed
and questioned whilst enjoying a delicious family sized box
of Junior Mints.
If you still don’t think you should see this movie, let
me make one last point: This movie is marks the first time
a documentary has been made that speaks out against a sitting
American president. That’s huge! You know why this movie
is allowed in theaters and why it has been sold out everyday
since it opened? The Bill of Rights, that’s why! This
movie couldn’t have been made in the former Soviet Union,
in Iraq or in North Korea. It’s called Freedom of Speech,
bitches. And the greatest thing about the Freedom of Speech
is the same argument can be applied to really fucked up hard
core porn.
Most people are using this film as part of as a political
platform—however, partisan politics aside, the most startling
revelation that comes out of Fahrenheit 9/11 is that we all
failed. There’s a lot of responsibility being placed
on George Bush’s shoulders for this whole hullabaloo
in Iraq. Equally as important, is that the movie adequately
communicated how the Democratic Party failed to mount much
of a resistance after the Florida re-counts, and then went
on to vote in favor of the war in Iraq. The movie adequately
communicated that we did not ask enough questions before we
went to war. The movie adequately communicated that no important
questions were asked by the media before and during the war.
Above all, it was adequately communicated that we, the people,
failed and because we failed, our system failed.
If none of the above-mentioned reasons sparks your interest
in Fahrenheit 9/11, then there’s always "White Chicks."
And having only seen the previews, that movie seems much more
unsettling.
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Above:
Filmmaker Michael Moore looking like my homeless uncle.
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