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I knew it. I’ve been trying
to make porn for like, three years. And then this movie comes
along with a completely viable concept and I was, like, wow!
I mean, the teenagers in the movie figured out how to make
a porn movie and the idea was right in front of me all along—I
need girls! Hot girls too, not the fat chicks I'm usually
surrounded by. Preferably hot chicks like Elisha Cuthbert
who plays Danielle Of course! Hot chicks need to be videotaped
too!
In case you’re a bit slow, I’m being sarcastic.
You see, “The Girl Next Door” relies on a certain
level on intelligence to make the film work. But they didn’t
fool me. I’ve got education coming out of my ass! Like
every teen comedy, there’s a repressed guy who needs
to boogie. For repressed guy Matt Goodman (Emile Hirsch),
the need to boogie comes in the form of a porn star who conveniently
moves into the house next door. Immediately, I like the premise.
What teenage guy hasn’t hoped that would happen? Forget
teenager, it's a universal fantasy crossing all nations and
ethnicities. Especially, you filthy degenerates who read this
website.
Anyway, Matty really does want to do the right thing. That
is to say, he wants to cut loose, but he doesn’t want
to loosen his grip on the pole up his ass. He’s worked
so hard as student body president that he forgot to have a
good time in high school. He forgot to get drunk before class
and throw up on his math teacher. He forgot to bribe a cop
over the small matter of a friend’s corpse. He forgot
to take ecstasy and run butt-naked back and forth on his friend’s
front lawn with his ball sack pulled up to his chest while
yelling, “I’m a kangaroo! I'm a kangaroo!”
I miss high school. But I digress....
So the porn star teaches Matty to not give a fuck, which I
think is ironic because, well…she’s a porn star
and that’s what they do. Anyway, if the whole “not
giving a fuck”thing sounds familiar, well it is. It,
just like every other plot/character device could be construed
as a blatant rip off from "Risky Business", but
for the sake of the review, let's just call it a sublime homage
to the classic 80's romp, written and directed by a creatively
bankrupt plagiarist. There, I feel better.
“The Girl Next Door” comes suspiciously close to
telling people not to objectify women, which is really irresponsible.
Most of the women working in the adult industry are from troubled
backgrounds. The girls are taken in, brushed off and given
a place to fuck. They can’t make a living if we don’t
buy their movies. If we don’t buy their movies, they
don’t get paid. If they don’t get paid, then they
get thrown out of their mansions and their corvettes are repossessed.
Then what do we have? That’s right, more homeless people.
Buying pornography helps the country. In short, not purchasing
pornography means you support terrorism. So I ask you, what
do you have against our boys in the Middle East?
Did I mention that part of Matty’s moral dilemma involves
$25,000 that would be used to bring a Cambodian prodigy to
America. Inevitably, like the glass egg from “Risky Business,”
the money is taken by a sleazy porn producer. And when the
chips are down, Matty’s porn star girlfriend humps into
action. A film is made. Things happen. In the end, everything
is okay.
Overall, the movie is mildly entertaining for something
so obviously the epitome of the word "craptastic."
Matty’s nerdy friends provide ample comic relief and
the porn stars are hot. My tub of popcorn magically shifted
in my lap a couple of times, which is always a unexpected
benefit when seeing a movie with my mom and sister.
I am particularly fond of costar Sung Hi Lee. Hi, Sung Hi
Lee! Look, I mentioned you in my movie review! I like threesomes
too! I’m hung like a horse! Call me!
Okay, so the the movie had holes in the plot the size of
a gape shot. If you’re the type of person who can ignore
a pile of shit in your bed, you'll have no problem with this
movie. If you’re the type of person who would ask a supporting
actress in a craptastic teen comedy to marry you in the middle
of movie review, stay home—the fantasy is better when
it’s left in your head.
Oops. Spilled my popcorn again.
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Top:
The poster now above my bed. Below: Emile Hirsch and Elisha
Cuthbert in "The Whore Girl Next Door"
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