|
Initially,
I went to see "Hero" because I heard there were some
hot Asian chicks in it, and everyone knows how much I like hot
Asian chicks. But then I realized I was seeing the movie because
I was totally drunk and slightly stoned and had nothing better
to do on a Sunday morning while the rest of my family was at
church.
The good news is, there’s lots of kung fu in the movie.
The bad news is, the movie is disguised as an action movie,
but it’s really a love story. The worst news is, the
love story is not between two hot, Asian chicks who know kung
fu!
Set in ancient China, the King of the Qin territory (Chen
Daoming) wants to take over all of China. To do so, he wages
war against his biggest competition, the Zhou territory, along
with the other provinces. But three assassins, Falling Snow
(Maggie Cheung), Broken Sword (Tony Leung Chiu-wai), and Sky
(Donnie Yen)—prevent the tyrant from winning the war.
As the war rages on, it is suspected the three assassins will
storm the castle and kill the tyrant. In order to protect
himself, the tyrant offers cash and prizes to the person who
kills the three assassins for the Zhou territory. Enter Nameless
(Jet Li), bearing the weapons of the three assassins and blabbity
blah blah. Did I mention the hot Asian chicks?
What we have here is an action-drama that actually works.
However, it does go on a bit long, making some of the dramatic
scenes kind of funny. You know when two lovers are torn between
their love for each other and their fate as individuals--
I’m talking lots of fist clenching, looking up at the
sky while either swearing revenge or wondering what they could
have done differently kind of hilarity. Ha ha! Those poignant
death scenes make me laugh every time!
Because the movie unfolds through a series of flashbacks
that are derivations of the same basic story, the movie drags
a bit. Although I think it’s great the two lovers, Broken
Sword and Flying Snow, are kung fu masters, their maudlin
displays of emotion are just a little over the top. Kind of
like those Japanese soap operas I watch on those obscure UHF
channels. Personally, I thought it would be much more interesting
if they were to kick each other’s asses over the toilet
seat being left up, or the cap on the toothpaste not being
put back on, or why Broken Sword forgot to call when he was
out with his friend, Staggering Lummox.
Okay, but seriously, this movie was fucking beautiful. And
the fight scenes? Flawlessly choreographed. Furthermore, to
enhance the natural beauty of the landscape, each version
of the legend is told through a different color scheme, giving
the movie a feel that would make the guys from "Queer
Eye" want to spend even more time at an Asian bath house.
Even more importantly, because of this movie, I have been
practicing my kung fu moves in the mirror all day. So when
this dude cut in front of me at the local convenience store,
I told him he had insulted my honor. After kicking his ass,
I took my rightful place in line and purchased copious amounts
of pornography. Actually, I got kicked in the sack and he
took three dollars out of my pocket. And it wasn’t a
guy, it was an old lady. And I think she touched my package
when she grabbed the three dollars out of my pocket.
She wasn't even Asian.
|
|
Above:
Jet Li in "Hero"
SEND THIS ARTICLE TO A FRIEND!
|
|
